Maybe Someone Should Take My Belt and Shoelaces Away

So I should be sleeping right now I am so tired but my mind just started going again. So I decided to blog. Tonight isn't one of my good nights. It wasn't a horrible day, I just was seemed to be depressed and lonely. I think the loneliness got me depressed. I think that the loneliness came because I was searching for housing in the fall. I want to live with my friend Lane, but find it hard to give up what I have here. I think of sharing a room with another person and it stresses me out. Then I think of moving all my stuff it stresses me out more. I really want to live with a friend but I don't know if I can handle living in the ghetto again. Living here in this nice place has really helped me feel better because the condo feels more like a home. I think that living in a really crappy apartment would be fine if I was married. Coming home to a family would make it home, it wouldn't matter what the place looked like.

I don't really have anyone to blame but myself for my loneliness. I have become a hermit. I try to get out there and be social but its just too much energy for me. I have really tried to make friends but I know that I come off as very friendly these days. I am just so shy and insecure. I have reverted back to the days when I was in middle school. I have become more accepting of my lack of social life, but its not easy to live like this. Times like this I just want to bleed out the pain.

It pains me to think of who I once was. I was outgoing, skinny, active and dated. Now I can barely keep a conversation going with my current friends let a lone new people. I try to find refuge in something. I invite my friends that I do over but most of them are married and they don't have the time hang out with me. Then those that aren't married usually want to go do something somewhere else. I become uncomfortable so quickly when I am out of my house.

These are times where I wish I didn't know any better and I could just experience some euphoria again, even if was falsely induced. The closest thing I have is music. I listen and pretty much 24/7, but sometimes it just isn't enough.

So this is going to be hard to read so if you don't want to go on don't. This is why I blog so I can express myself not matter how disturbing, vulgar, or wrong. That was your disclaimer.

I just think of how great it would feel to watch my veins empty and realize it was almost over. Or I think of breathing in the carbon monoxide and realizing its preventing my organs from receiving oxygen and I would wake up in new world. The stress of living in this world would be over. I can't say for sure that the hurt and pain will all be gone but I would be that much closer to being happy.

I realize I can't do that to my family and especially my mom. She has done so much for me, I have to keep myself alive for her. So then I want to at least cause some sort of physical pain so that I could be distracted from the mental and emotional pain. Or a few shots so I could black out and not remember a part of my life. Maybe a shot in my arm to to send me to a place that doesn't exist.

I'm not looking for people to tell me "don't do it" "its not worth it" or "it won't help." I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell my that they love me. I'm not looking for someone to console me. I'm looking to be heard. I just want to be heard. I just have a hard time talking to people about my true feelings. I never really did that most of my life. Its easier because I'm not sitting face to face or on the phone or something like that. That is why I started this blog. I want people to know that I am in pain.