Music Box

So tonight I was thinking about the song music box by Regina Spektor. The song is excellent! Any way I am curious what Regina is really speaking. I don't think that she took meant it literally. She talks about life inside of a music box. I fell like that right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a box that limits my freedom. I am enclosed in this box by emotion. The extreme sadness acts as chains. I feel like no matter how hard I try I have to sing the sam song. I sick of singing my sad story. I just want away from everything that reminds me of my life. I think that's why suicide seems so pleasing at times. I realize I have live inside this box because I am broken. I want to experience things that are outside of the box. I am forced to continue living inside the box. Because the same thing is rehurst constantly i am costanly aware of the forces that keep me in the box. I love the lines, "Start to feel morality, I close my eye and think that I have found me." I feel like I can find myself. Any way I know this didn't make much. I keep dozing off while typing this. The point is I feel trapped and wish I could change it.

I want a six pack

So many know that I've been working on not being fat. Even though I have lost a lot of weight. I still have a lot more to loose. I started a program at BYU called Y be fit. So far I have had all the tests done. One of the test was a bod pod. I found out that I am 50 lb. of fat and 24.4 % body fat. So that means I should loose about 25 lb. of fat. I discovered that I need to improve my HDL levels! Exercise will help that a lot. Everything is normal or in the good category. Today is the day that I will start calorie counting. The good news is that I got an iPhone app to keep track of everything I eat. It also has a database to look up foods. I'm going to start with 1800 calories a day. The app suggested that. I'll have to keep playing with the daily intake. Its about time that when I tell people that I am an exercise science major that I look like it.

I Want to Cut the Red One

So I went on a drive trough the canyon. This always give me the chance to really see how I feel about anything. As I was thinking about how I could improve my mental state. I realized that I explain away too many suggestions from my therapist or ideas I come up with. So this self realization frustrates me. The simple solution is stop explain why something won't work and just try it. The problem with simple solutions is that the "simple" usually refers to the the phrasing and not the implementation.
So I searched for reasons why I can't just try the suggested strategies. I discovered it just came down to hope. I don't believe that I will ever be happy with myself. I don't believe things will change for me emotionally. I don't really have any more hope for emotional improvement then the four times I attempted suicide. The only change that I have made is that now I have made the decision to not let my family go through my suicide. Since my last suicide attempt I decided to try to find ways that I could live my life to mask the way I truly feel. Even though I can create the best mask, I still recognize its just a cover up.
This evening all my energy will go to staying away from the razor, the pills, and the cliff. I will just day dream of what my life could be with out such a f%#@ed up mind. Or maybe I'll day dream about the how it might feel to alleviate myself from the stress of the world. I can listen to some Death cab, dashboard, and rocky. While I listen I can envision my mortal release. Hopefully it'll come soon.

Micheal Moore Thank You

So I just watched Capitalism: A Love Story. It was really good. I was thinking that I wouldn't agree with him as much as I did. Although the documentary may be biased it does pose great questions. What I liked most about the film was that Micheal Moore brings to light that capitalism has flaws. I have believed that for many years. I am tired of people talking as if is a perfect system. History proves that it is not perfect and needs regulating. I get so frustrated when people quickly dismiss me as a socialist or communist because I want to fix the flaws in our economy. We need protection from the rich. Our governments job is to protect us from tyrannical rule, including the cooperate America.

Any way during the documentary I went through many emotions. The best emotion I experienced was joy. I got to re-live Obama winning the election. That was one of the best days of my life. I'm so glad that he is my President and hope one day he will get the respect he deserves. I know that many people do not agree with my political views, but I think that we can agree on a few things. We want everyone to have the ability to pursue happiness.

Adaptation is an Eternal Principle

So I was thinking today about our good friend Darwin and the theory of evolution. Thinking about evolution led me to think about adaptation. There has never been a time in my life where I didn't think that adaptation or evolution exists. To me its a proven theory. Thinking of adaptation lead me to ponder how it pertains to our species. I can see where humans have biologically changed through the course of history on earth, but not sure if I can pinpoint too many in recent years. I can pinpoint many adaptations to our social behaviors. Our social behaviors change rapidly and are becoming more and more global. Everything that we have innovated in the world has some kind of biological convenience. Including the things we later find out are bad for us in the long run... like alcohol, tobacco, fast food, promiscuity, etc.
After thinking about our social evolution I realize that the only way we are able to be so adaptable is because we are highly cognitive. We are highly cognitive because of our divine spiritual nature. Then it made me realize why we are the greatest creature on earth. We are the most adaptable animal on this earth. We can live almost everywhere in the earth's surface. If we can't sustain life there we can visit it. We have created so many choices of lifestyles that every person born can overcome almost every single challenge in life. I've recently learned I have take responsibility for my life no matter who is at fault for my deep depression. Once I take responsibility then I can adapt my lifestyle to trade my deep depression and change it to internal happiness.
Adaptation is the key to any challenge in our life whether its physical, emotional and yes spiritual. Adaptation is the principle that makes our weakness strong. We learn in what ways to change our behaviors to make up for a specific struggle. I think that is how God wants us to live our lives. He wants to realize our strengths and weakness so that we can change our behaviors.
Darwin observed this important principle in such a basic way. But like all the chemistry professors at BYU have stated "if you truly understand the principle there isn't a problem you can solve." I better understand the theory of evolution. Each of us must evolve into something better that is our purpose on this earth. The only way we can evolve into what we want to be is to adapt. Adaptation is the heart of the theory of evolution.

Ha! My friend sent me this...

Not Even Human

There is this new artist that I found. Her name is Angel Taylor. I don't know if any of you heard of her, but she is worth checking out. She has a beautiful voice and is talented. My only complaint is that I wish that she would be more diverse with her subject matter. Only one of her songs are about something other than romantic relationships. Don't let my one criticism deter you from checking her music out.

Any way I wanted to talk about one song that I really like. This song is about a girl who is broken by someone she loved. Even though this song is about a boy mistreating her. The song is called "Not Even Human." I'm listening to this song and my mind wanders to a book that I recently read, "Healing the Shame that Binds You." One of the points Bradshaw (the author) makes is that a person driven by toxic shame often believes he/she is either more than human or less than human. Angel Taylor is obviously thinking of the latter. I not only hear these words I feel their emotion. I could sing this song at points of my life to those who have hurt me. Many experiences have come to mind. Some of the worst experiences where when I was burned by those who I cared the most about, but that is not what I like most about the song.

As I ponder more I realize that I let these hurtful experiences consume me with hatred. Being consumed with hate only brings more hate until it spills into all facets of your life. This song doesn't portray hatred at all the tone of the music is more of disappointment. So further analyzation of the lyrics is appropriate. As I analyze it more I realize that this person, at first appearances, seemed to be a giving soul. Angel Taylor realizes it was all an act. She says that he is "not even human, just a lovely idea of one." That is where the feeling of disappointment comes from. I can relate to that now. My hate is gone but the void is filled with disappointment. Disappointment with those that deceived me and especially with my self.

I could sing this song to myself. So many times I have done things motivated by this toxic shame to hide myself. For so long I have been living a lie. I have deceived myself into believing I was someone I wasn't. Even if the truth is a fault, weakness or natural defect, living the truth makes me human. In being human, life becomes less stressful. If I am less than human I am consumed by guilt and self hatred. If I am more than human I become this eternally hungry ego. If I am human I realize my limitations and accept myself with my faults. That is where I want to be content that I a may make mistakes but willing to work on my faults.