So I went on a drive trough the canyon. This always give me the chance to really see how I feel about anything. As I was thinking about how I could improve my mental state. I realized that I explain away too many suggestions from my therapist or ideas I come up with. So this self realization frustrates me. The simple solution is stop explain why something won't work and just try it. The problem with simple solutions is that the "simple" usually refers to the the phrasing and not the implementation.
So I searched for reasons why I can't just try the suggested strategies. I discovered it just came down to hope. I don't believe that I will ever be happy with myself. I don't believe things will change for me emotionally. I don't really have any more hope for emotional improvement then the four times I attempted suicide. The only change that I have made is that now I have made the decision to not let my family go through my suicide. Since my last suicide attempt I decided to try to find ways that I could live my life to mask the way I truly feel. Even though I can create the best mask, I still recognize its just a cover up.
This evening all my energy will go to staying away from the razor, the pills, and the cliff. I will just day dream of what my life could be with out such a f%#@ed up mind. Or maybe I'll day dream about the how it might feel to alleviate myself from the stress of the world. I can listen to some Death cab, dashboard, and rocky. While I listen I can envision my mortal release. Hopefully it'll come soon.
Instead of the canyon next time, just show up here. You don't have to socialize with me, you can just say that you wanted to go somewhere. Also, please don't feel like you need to hide your feelings and emotions from us. We're not here to judge you for it, but to be your friends through anything and everything. I hope you know that we accept you and all of you, whether we know all the parts or not. OK?
ReplyDeletePlease also know that you are now officially invited over every Sunday.