My Brian Never Stops Ticking...

Well today was pretty shitty. I am embarrassed to say that these past couple weeks of binge eating have put me back to 190. Last night I was eating and crying. I didn't want to eat but I couldn't stop my self. I ate until I couldn't take the pain anymore. I woke up this morning stressed. My stress lead to anxiety. What was I anxious about... getting fat. I still consider my self fat, even though people tell me I'm not. So really I'm afraid of getting fatter.

My anxiety turned into a panic attack. My panic attack didn't let up until about a mile into my run. I went to see my therapist and what happened I had another panic attack, this one was a lot worse. I lost control of my body, I started pushing against the floor with my feet as if to push away from my therapist. Then I grabbed my leg and squeezed. I couldn't stop, the harder I tried to stop the harder I would squeeze my leg. My arm and hands were in so much pain, all the muscles involved were basically in tetanus. I lost feeling in my foot and became extremely light headed because of my quick and shallow breaths. I ended it by replaying music in my head and instructed my therapist to not ask questions.

My anxiety is super high right now because as I mentioned earlier F$%@ my parents are coming this weekend. This is more stressful than I think some realize. I know my parents love me but the way they show it is what I'm worried about. I already know that they don't agree with me being gay... I just struggle with same sex attraction. So me dating men is disappointing to them.

I started reading No More Goodbyes... what a great book. The author does a great job of expressing the pain I feel without ever being a gay man who is mormon. I cried of course. I wish my parents understood the dilemma I deal with. The intense pain I feel. I feel trapped. I feel like if I live a celibate life like my father wants me to I will be waiting for death my whole life. I would be lonely and desperate for intimacy. As much as my friends and family are there for me I will never be number one, because they aren't my partner in life. Or I could be gay but live a life full of persecution, complications, and leave the church. Both suck.

Tonight the pain is intense, the anxiety rich, and the insomnia prevalent. My only hope is that my tears will lull me to sleep. But then again I'll probably have a nightmare tonight. So who will reject me and turn everyone against me to night in my unconsciousness. I guess we'll see.

It Sits in My Head, It's Been There too Long...

So I've been thinking a lot about the transition from in the closet Mark and the Mark who lives in reality. I just chuckled... why because I thought of a south park episode where Tom Cruiz, John Trovolta, and R. Kelly won't come out of Stan's closet. I'll post a video. Any way, this transition is full of ups and downs. It has been down since vacation. These past couple of weeks have been filled with eating and TV binges. James (my co-worker/friend) can confirm my orneriness. Poor James he has to put up with all of my bitching. The two things on my mind lately have been "I wish I was straight," and "F@$% my parents are coming."

I just wish I was straight. Why might you ask? Well being gay brings complications. Being gay, mormon, and BYU student... the complications add up. If I was straight I could find a girl, marry her in the temple, have babies, and bring pride into my parents eyes. I wouldn't have to defend my position to my friends and family. I would have all the rights as a straight couple enjoys. My sexuality puts my job at risk. How messed up is that?! Being gay just seems like it will be full of complications. However the alternative is living a lonely life void of true intimacy is something I just can't do.

My parents are coming... Labor day weekend. This will be the first time I will see them since letting them know that I will be dating men. The first thought that came to mind when my dad asked to come visit was that they would hold an intervention. My sister, Misty, doesn't think that is the case. However, I'm not completely convinced. I can accept that my Mom would allow my sovereignty, but my Dad... Hmmm. I can see my Dad walking up to my bishop and wanting to talk to him about me. He's done it before. My relationship with my Mom seems to have changed. There is a significant of awkward silences during our conversations. I know they will always love me but how will things change because of my decision to exit the closet.

I hope tomorrow I can wake up ride my bike to work and eat healthy. I also hope that I can be in a good mood as well... for James sake.

This Old Wound...

Today I went on a date with a great guy. We had lunch and then went to a movie. The movie I saw was Stupid, Crazy, Love. First of all the movie was excellent. I got emotional at times, not only because I'm a sad sap and a sucker for a good romantic story. The movie brought up some difficult feelings.

I have become honest with myself that I am gay and will not be able to have the traditional family I dream of. My mind is full of pain and conflict. I want to be happy that I am moving forward and searching for a life partner to share life with. Its hard to be happy with that decision not because I don't feel its right. The conflict with the church is what makes it difficult for me to move forward.

I want to stay active in the church and be the ideal member. Staying in the church means a life full of dinners for one. A house with one resident. Most difficult would be a life of loneliness. A life outside of the church is scary because it means leaving a life I love. Both decision don't seem to bring the peace I desire.

Right now I am sick to my stomach and I have an intense headache. It doesn't help that I just ended a great vacation with my sister. I was able to reconnect with my sister. I was able to get to know my Aunt Becky and her family. I was able to form a relationship with my cousins. I have never been able to do that. I don't even know how many brother's and sisters my Dad has. We just have never been close to our extended family.

One reason that I maybe experiencing this pain is I took my medication only once for this past week. Tomorrow I will start taking the medication again. I just wish I had someone with me right now to console me. I wish the pain I feel at this moment will subside and I'll be able get some sleep. I have to work early tomorrow.

Heart is Sturdy and Need You to Survive

I just finished a 10 day juice fast. What this means I only had fruit and vegetable juice for 10 days. I made an exception, I had an avocado or two a day. Many questions maybe entering your mind at the moment like, why the hell would a person do that? This fast was inspired by a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.

The documentary is about a guy who is sick, fat and near death... in case you didn't gather that from the tittle. This man decided to do a juice fast for 60 days. He figured since he feed his body crap he had to infuse it with nutrients. The best form of nutrients the body can get are fruits and vegetables. However to get the insane amount of nutrients his body needed he needed to drink it concentrated. Juicing makes it possible to have tons of nutrients without having to eat 24/7. His health transformed.

I began to think that I could benefit from this fast. It would cleanse my body with the bodys form of soap, antioxidants. This could have great consequences. What I'm hoping for is more energy, better digestion, lower allergy symptoms and of course weight loss.

So I made some videos of my experience but blogspot seemed to struggle uploading them. Now that I have eaten a significant amount of protein I can talk about my experience. So the first 6 days were easy and awesome. I was dropping weight so fast and getting visibly skinnier. I wasn't able to workout as hard as I could while eating properly, however, I wasn't hungry. I was craving meat everyday though. I could smell a barbecue miles away.

Day 7 is where it got difficult. I was completely drained of energy. I started eating two avocados to help. The weight came off slower but it still came off. I was working slow and was constantly napping on the drives between jobs. Day 8 was even worse. Day 9 I didn't think I could make it. Day 10 was compounded with frustrating things happening. I even went to a dinner party that I didn't eat a single morsel of food.

Today I ate about 8 eggs and 2 tortillas, a bunch of spinach and a cup of salsa. I went a little over board on the food I know. I feel so full of life now. The life didn't come from the food but the accomplishment. Many of you who know me know that I really struggle when not eating. Although I didn't feel hungry all the time my body thought I was so my mood behaved accordingly.

During the fast I thought a lot about people who "fast" or rather starve involuntarily. I realized how much their lives must suck. Many work very hard for very little sustenance. I work hard, don't get me wrong, but I also have many comforts and enough resources to get to 270 pounds. The best part is the feeling of accomplishment I have. This was one of the hardest things I have done. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I do have some amount of self discipline. I learned that I could go with out comfort food. The best part was that I was feeling more in control with my being.

I plan on doing this quarterly to help maintain good nutrition. I recommend this to everyone. It has great potential for great things. Watch the documentary to see how it helped others. Ask me questions to see how it can help you. Those of you who say I don't want to loos weight... I say its much more than weight loss. You will loose fat any way not a significant amount of muscle mass. I'm glad I did it and I think you'd be too.

You Don't know the Things I've Learned

So this is part of an email I sent to my parents today... I thought it would help better explain what I am thinking abou the whole gay issue.

I'm glad you are reading this book. I think it has/will help you guys understand where I'm coming from. You are right about going back to the basics. That's what I've been doing. I have learned a lot about my self and God through this. My eyes have been open to a more practical and realistic. I have learned that my salvation is 100% percent between me, God, and the Savior. I have learned to separate my salvation from the church too. Although I believe that this is God's church, I do not believe it's the only way to gain salvation. I have learned to realize the ideal LDS path my not me the ideal path for me. I have learned to separate my the Gospel and the Church. I have also learned that judgement can only be made with proper understanding. As mortals with limited experience we are not to judge.

For me it ll comes down to how I learn to love. I have spent too long trying to be the perfect son, brother, older brother and the list goes on. In my mind I thought ( and still do at times) think I have to be the complete opposite of who I am. What I need to be focused on is being who I am. I may not know everything about who I am but I do know a lot. I can use being my self to increase my capacity to love. But as cliche and lane as it sounds I have to love my self to increase my capacity to love.

I can not know the future or make an accurate prediction. I know that I am gay and I know that it conflicts with the church in a big way at the time being. I believe prejudice and lack of understanding will keep many LDS men and women stay in the closet. As of right now I am active in the church and want to be. However I decided that Sunday school and priesthood do more harm than good. So I only go to sacrament. Going to the temple is the same way.

As much as I wish to I could just pray and have faith that I will become straight, I know it's not God's will. That may change but it is hard for me to see that.

I am learning to not only to accept myself but love myself. I have noticed a large increase these past couple weeks. I am thankful for that because I have made some hard choices that don't seem to be what the church would suggest. I stopped going to Sunday school and priesthood. I have started talking more with other gay guys out here and opening the possibility of dating them.

I realize this is most likely difficult for you to accept and understand. I wish I could give 5 minutes of the pain I have been experiencing and the joy I have been feeling as I have been making these choices. Obviously I can't, but please just trust me.

You and Mom have roughy me good things. From Mom I have learned compassion and being aware of others. From you I have learned the value of work and responsibility.

I have a string testimony of the Savior and his atonement. I know trusting me will be difficult because it may lead me to marry another man. That will make me leave the Church. So please just know that I am taking my life seriously, I'm not going through a phase, and my testimony of and relationship with the Savior will guide me.

The Closer I am to Fine

This week has been seriously long. I think what made it feel long is that a lot has happend. There was the 4th, a day with the Kitchens and Wrights, and some new experiences. I started the week great with my sister on the 4th. No need to go into detail due the the previous blog. Then wednesday I babysat the Wrights while Misty and Colby were being convinced to come here to teach at BYU. Later in the morning the Kitchens joined in on the fun. It was crazy! There were 10 kids in my apartment, luckily two of them were pretty old enough to behave more like adults. Any way that day wore me out. Although the visit with the Wrights and Kitchens was more like a tornado of events it was so fun.

Other highlights that seemed to be more significant to my progression out of this hell involved the internet and chat with a friend who definitely is in the best friend category. These things have brought enlightenment and more understanding of self. But I will warn you before hand you may not like what you read.

First the internet. After talking with other gay guys out here I came to the conclusion if I want to meet other guys to date or just be friends with I had to look toward the internet. So I joined one of the many gay online communities. I am very weary of the internet being a way of search for dates and friends but I have been giving it a go. I have talked to some interesting people. I received a message from a guy who happens to be here in Lanai too, so that was nice. I now have someone to sit with at church that I knows I'm gay and understands the conflict. I have chatted it up with other guys too. I still haven't initiated any conversations with anyone, but I will... eventually. These sites have opened up more possibilities for me. I hope to be able to date more. But the most important think I have learned from starting this internet dating thing is that I am definitely gay.

Ashley and I hang out regularly and I love it. This saturday we went out to eat and wondered the mall. The best part of the evening was our talk on the sun deck of Lanai. That talk even beat the run in we had with a mannequin that had some pretty prominent nipples. We talked about many things. We talked about what it would be like when I get married to a guy. What the wedding would be like, how people would respond, and if we would have a couples dance (probably not). The most significant think we talked about was love and understanding.

The older I get the more I realize I just don't understand much. Its my lack of understanding the handicaps my judgements. Poor judgements can be detrimental. Judging others is just as criminal . We need to learn how to love and understand other. The two can't really seem to be separated, a lack of understanding inhibits love and vice versa. However we can love someone just enough to gain understanding and then we love them more. As we love them more we learn more about them and we understand more. So the two seem to work together. As we try to understand others we often grow to love them. However it seems to be best to love first and then understanding seems to come.

In contrast as we judge other we start to dislike others. As much as I think I know so much and have learned so much, I realize I can never understand another person perfectly. I am incapable of that but I can get closer to understanding another. That understanding can not grow with out love. If judgements precede understanding mistakes are often made and that person becomes nature definitive.

I am definitive by nature. I like to know an equation or procedure for every desired out come. However, life's answers are not universal or constant. If you look at the nature of God, he has never exclusively given universal or constant direction in any period of time in the world. There are some few constant principles but the practice of them is so circumstantial. If you look at the evolution of the church just in this dispensation you can see changes in council from the brethren. If you look through the scriptures to see the commandments change as well. Change in policy or commandments does not mean that an organization if following the ways of the world. I believe those changes come from us earthlings being able to make better decisions. The people on the world as a whole have grown and continue to grow in understanding. As our understanding grows so can our love. Likewise as our understanding grows we are better able to make better choices.

The line from an Indigo Girls song has new meaning to me. "the less I think my source to something definitive the closer I am to fine." It hit me while listening to that song is that I have been limiting my self for years. I don't allow myself to change and struggle to let others change. So I will try to work hard to keep out of such a small definitive box and open up my possibilities. But of coarse I'll take God for the ride to direct me.

There is a Light and It Never Goes Out

So I thought it'd be a nice change to talk about some positive things for once. Today my sister Misty ran the Freedom Run with me. The freedom run is one of my favorite races. I was so excited to have someone to run it with. The first time I ran a race it was with my friend Jeff. I have run many since then, but mostly alone. Although I didn't actually run with them during the race I enjoy talking about it at the finish line with a fellow competitor. The bonus was that it was my sister!

Needless to say the best part was I got to spend time with my sister. After the race we came back to my apartment had a good chat over smoothies. Misty is one of my biggest supporters in helping me with coming out and pursuing a relationship with other guys. She has taken charge and is helping those in my family who struggle with my new venture. Its good that they are not only hearing it from me but also from her. Misty is the leader of the family whether she tries to be or not... she is the oldest after all.

As we talked it helped me feel more comfortable about my decisions. It may be shocking to some but I feel the spirit when I talk to her about my future with someone. I have always been comforted by her advice. I am glad that she can lift my spirits. Even better she doesn't have the monopoly on helping me feel better.

I have been so blessed that God has prepared my friends and family. I tried to my part by dropping hints and stuff. However I know that God soften their hearts and people have been for the most part compassionate. So to all of you who are accepting of me regardless of my sexuality and your opinions of my choices... Thank you. It's nice to know that you care.

Thank you Misty for spending time with your at times burdensome depressed little brother. I really value our relationship.