Micheal Moore Thank You

So I just watched Capitalism: A Love Story. It was really good. I was thinking that I wouldn't agree with him as much as I did. Although the documentary may be biased it does pose great questions. What I liked most about the film was that Micheal Moore brings to light that capitalism has flaws. I have believed that for many years. I am tired of people talking as if is a perfect system. History proves that it is not perfect and needs regulating. I get so frustrated when people quickly dismiss me as a socialist or communist because I want to fix the flaws in our economy. We need protection from the rich. Our governments job is to protect us from tyrannical rule, including the cooperate America.

Any way during the documentary I went through many emotions. The best emotion I experienced was joy. I got to re-live Obama winning the election. That was one of the best days of my life. I'm so glad that he is my President and hope one day he will get the respect he deserves. I know that many people do not agree with my political views, but I think that we can agree on a few things. We want everyone to have the ability to pursue happiness.

Adaptation is an Eternal Principle

So I was thinking today about our good friend Darwin and the theory of evolution. Thinking about evolution led me to think about adaptation. There has never been a time in my life where I didn't think that adaptation or evolution exists. To me its a proven theory. Thinking of adaptation lead me to ponder how it pertains to our species. I can see where humans have biologically changed through the course of history on earth, but not sure if I can pinpoint too many in recent years. I can pinpoint many adaptations to our social behaviors. Our social behaviors change rapidly and are becoming more and more global. Everything that we have innovated in the world has some kind of biological convenience. Including the things we later find out are bad for us in the long run... like alcohol, tobacco, fast food, promiscuity, etc.
After thinking about our social evolution I realize that the only way we are able to be so adaptable is because we are highly cognitive. We are highly cognitive because of our divine spiritual nature. Then it made me realize why we are the greatest creature on earth. We are the most adaptable animal on this earth. We can live almost everywhere in the earth's surface. If we can't sustain life there we can visit it. We have created so many choices of lifestyles that every person born can overcome almost every single challenge in life. I've recently learned I have take responsibility for my life no matter who is at fault for my deep depression. Once I take responsibility then I can adapt my lifestyle to trade my deep depression and change it to internal happiness.
Adaptation is the key to any challenge in our life whether its physical, emotional and yes spiritual. Adaptation is the principle that makes our weakness strong. We learn in what ways to change our behaviors to make up for a specific struggle. I think that is how God wants us to live our lives. He wants to realize our strengths and weakness so that we can change our behaviors.
Darwin observed this important principle in such a basic way. But like all the chemistry professors at BYU have stated "if you truly understand the principle there isn't a problem you can solve." I better understand the theory of evolution. Each of us must evolve into something better that is our purpose on this earth. The only way we can evolve into what we want to be is to adapt. Adaptation is the heart of the theory of evolution.

Ha! My friend sent me this...

Not Even Human

There is this new artist that I found. Her name is Angel Taylor. I don't know if any of you heard of her, but she is worth checking out. She has a beautiful voice and is talented. My only complaint is that I wish that she would be more diverse with her subject matter. Only one of her songs are about something other than romantic relationships. Don't let my one criticism deter you from checking her music out.

Any way I wanted to talk about one song that I really like. This song is about a girl who is broken by someone she loved. Even though this song is about a boy mistreating her. The song is called "Not Even Human." I'm listening to this song and my mind wanders to a book that I recently read, "Healing the Shame that Binds You." One of the points Bradshaw (the author) makes is that a person driven by toxic shame often believes he/she is either more than human or less than human. Angel Taylor is obviously thinking of the latter. I not only hear these words I feel their emotion. I could sing this song at points of my life to those who have hurt me. Many experiences have come to mind. Some of the worst experiences where when I was burned by those who I cared the most about, but that is not what I like most about the song.

As I ponder more I realize that I let these hurtful experiences consume me with hatred. Being consumed with hate only brings more hate until it spills into all facets of your life. This song doesn't portray hatred at all the tone of the music is more of disappointment. So further analyzation of the lyrics is appropriate. As I analyze it more I realize that this person, at first appearances, seemed to be a giving soul. Angel Taylor realizes it was all an act. She says that he is "not even human, just a lovely idea of one." That is where the feeling of disappointment comes from. I can relate to that now. My hate is gone but the void is filled with disappointment. Disappointment with those that deceived me and especially with my self.

I could sing this song to myself. So many times I have done things motivated by this toxic shame to hide myself. For so long I have been living a lie. I have deceived myself into believing I was someone I wasn't. Even if the truth is a fault, weakness or natural defect, living the truth makes me human. In being human, life becomes less stressful. If I am less than human I am consumed by guilt and self hatred. If I am more than human I become this eternally hungry ego. If I am human I realize my limitations and accept myself with my faults. That is where I want to be content that I a may make mistakes but willing to work on my faults.

Where Are Those Motha F@#$%!' Lights!

So this new round of therapy has been really about self discovery for me. I read this book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. It was so enlightening for me. I realized that I was governed by what Bradshaw calls toxic shame. Unfortunately I have never gained the inner confidence needed to live a joyful life. Have I felt joy before? Yes. However I have never felt the joy of self. As a child I needed to know that I had worth. I was a victim of my father's criticism and rage. Before you count out my father keep in mind he was also a victim of the same crimes. The criticism and rage convinced me that I was flawed and a burden. I did have a great loving mother, but it must not have been enough. I'm sure most of her energy was spent on creating an environment that kept my father satisfied. I have never doubted her love for me and never can.

The problem is I don't know how I can let go of this toxic shame. This inner shame has been apart of my life ever since I can remember. It is how I have protected me from the emotional pain drives me to self destruction. Sometimes I am grateful and other times resentful for not succeeding. I can intellectualize my worth but I cant feel it. I want to have a that moment of self realization. A realization that I am worthy of success, I am worthy of praise, I am worthy of self love.

All I have now is my iPod to help me meditate on my life and how I can change it for the better. The only answers I receive are ways to get by. So tonight to get by my iPod will be on repeat till I fall into another colorless nightmare. As I listen to Coldplay's song Fix you, I will be able to get by for now and hope that tomorrow I will have the moment I desperately need to survive this hell that is my life.

Mark the Expected vs. Mark the ???

As I am going through this hell that I have been enduring these past 2-3 years, I wonder if I'll ever recover. I question my full recovery because this despair is all inclusive. The deep depression has paralyzed me figuratively and literally. I have learned a lot throughout this process. I've learned ways to cope and push through. Those skills are useful but only heal the symptoms. In order to go back to a sense of normalcy I need to find a solution. Unfortunately a solution is not written out in plain English. God gave his answers in metaphors and generalizations.

Through out this process of healing I have learned a few things. I first realized that I was constantly engaged in a battle with myself. I learned I was dishonest myself. But the most damaging thing that I have learned is... I'm not sure I know who I am. I had created an alternate identity that was everything I thought was expected. I made others interests my own and took control of my environment.

I know all the generic answers to who I am so please refrain from meaningless cliches like "you are a child of God." Even though the cliche statements are often true they lose their effect by overuse.

When I say I don't know who I am, I'm saying I don't know what makes me unique. My looks make me perfectly unique, but my body doesn't define my soul. What are my likes and dislikes. Are my interests only developed to perfect my facade. Who is Mark the son of Donna and brother to 8. I would like to meet him, to know him and let him live.

Thankfully there are some aspects of my true self that I know and love. I know that I love music. Not that poppy crap filled with cheesy one liners and not even the carefully structured hymns (although some apply). The music that lifts me from the abyss is music with emotion. Music that if filled with tonal poetry. Music that uses poetry to tell a story, express an emotion, or bare the soul. I know that for many people music has the same effect, however for me it my only oasis. Nights like this one music is my savior. It brings back feeling to my numb soul. It expresses what I can't. Music even prevents self injury. Music has helped me escape so many dangerous situations including my death. So tonight to keep my heart beating I will let the lyrics rid my mind of thoughts of self destruction.

My First Work of Art... That I'm Proud Of

So this is something that I drew/wrote the other night. It may seem weird but it was very therapeutic for me. I thought it looked cool too. I'm no artist but I hope you can appreciate the art I was trying to make. I made it while I was listening to Dashboard Confessional. These are thoughts I had while I was listening to him. Any way I though someone would enjoy it.