Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Where Are Those Motha F@#$%!' Lights!

So this new round of therapy has been really about self discovery for me. I read this book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. It was so enlightening for me. I realized that I was governed by what Bradshaw calls toxic shame. Unfortunately I have never gained the inner confidence needed to live a joyful life. Have I felt joy before? Yes. However I have never felt the joy of self. As a child I needed to know that I had worth. I was a victim of my father's criticism and rage. Before you count out my father keep in mind he was also a victim of the same crimes. The criticism and rage convinced me that I was flawed and a burden. I did have a great loving mother, but it must not have been enough. I'm sure most of her energy was spent on creating an environment that kept my father satisfied. I have never doubted her love for me and never can.
The problem is I don't know how I can let go of this toxic shame. This inner shame has been apart of my life ever since I can remember. It is how I have protected me from the emotional pain drives me to self destruction. Sometimes I am grateful and other times resentful for not succeeding. I can intellectualize my worth but I cant feel it. I want to have a that moment of self realization. A realization that I am worthy of success, I am worthy of praise, I am worthy of self love.
All I have now is my iPod to help me meditate on my life and how I can change it for the better. The only answers I receive are ways to get by. So tonight to get by my iPod will be on repeat till I fall into another colorless nightmare. As I listen to Coldplay's song Fix you, I will be able to get by for now and hope that tomorrow I will have the moment I desperately need to survive this hell that is my life.
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1 comment:

  1. TayFebruary 3, 2010 at 8:53 AM

    That sounds like a fantastic book. I should recommend it to my parents - it seems along the lines of what they are working out.

    A good question to ask yourself is what EXACTLY are you ashamed of?

    One exercise the therapist has my dad do is to think of a negative word to describe yourself and write it down. Then underneath you are to write everything you can think of about yourself that refutes this negative word. This word is a negative core belief about yourself and refuting it helps make it go away. Core beliefs are very hard to let go of. For example, I am boring. Except that I know I'm not, I just can't stop feeling like I am. Because I fear I am boring to others, I become a recluse and don't try to interact with others or make new friends. Just thinking about this is making my stomach clench. Anyway, repeating to myself in mind and on paper that I am a good friend, I am interesting to talk to, I have good ideas, etc, is the only thing that has helped.

    *I am not comparing our difficulties, just suggesting an exercise on core beliefs and how to change them*

    You are absolutely worth praise and self love. Keep telling yourself that. Write it on the bathroom mirror. On your iPod. On your computer. It doesn't matter what you have done or what you haven't done, those things should not be denied you.

    You have our love, too, Mark.

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