So tonight I'm pretty depressed:( Ever since the whole Bryce thing I haven't been able stay out of this depressed state. I did have a day where I felt so good because I felt so liberated. However I have to see him every day and am reminded of how he has hurt me. I'm so lonely tonight and just want to be with someone, but of coarse I'm not going to get what I want. I know that things could be so much worse for me right now. I am trying to stay focused on that right now.
I currently live in a place that is so very nice. I love it and I have to move in the fall because I didn't sign the contract in time. Even though the contract doesn't even start till the end of August. It is so stupid the way they do it here in Provo. Any way I signed a contract for another unit in the complex and I think its a mistake. I went and looked at it and it was not even close to being as good as where I am now. Also I would be moving in with guys that have been living there for a while. I do not like that idea at all. I want to make the place nice but I don't know if the current tenants would let me change things. I'm hoping that one of the guys that signed to live my current apartment will back out so I can stay right here. I would love that so much.
I guess I'm to emotional right now to even think clearly. My depressed state makes my vision focus on only the stress. Just when I thought I was on my way from recovery I realize that I haven't even changed. I am the same ultra depressed person I was a year ago. I don't know the answers and am getting tired of searching for them. The only thing I know is that I have to remember who I'm living for and its for my family. It is because of my family that I am still here. My family has been so supportive. I just feel like that they are helping me fight a hopeless war. I have dreams and I work hard but the smallest thing throws me off coarse. I have to get back on. But the question is how the hell will I do it again.
I know you've tried it, but you gotta retrain your focus to something that makes you happy. The semester before our wedding, my roommates put me through a very similar thing. I thought they were my friends and would be fun to hang out with, but they totally and completely shafted me as soon as I got engaged, which was a week into the semester. It sucked. Yeah, i had Brian, but that didn't make me feel any better about my situation. It's hard to go home and not have anybody to talk to or who cares about how your life is going. I think you need to get away from Provo for a few weeks. Go stay with your sister (any of them, lol) and refocus your life on what you want it to be. I think you need a little break from your current situation. You can get past this mark. You can. And you will. You've just lost hope and gotta find it again. Start by making yourself do things you know you love?
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