Cause I Need this Hole Gone

I love Rihanna's new album so much.  The following lyrics is a song from that album.  This song has been going through my mind all week.  After the past few days it has become a song that reminds me of my abusive relationship with the LDS church. Much like my relationship with my father it will always exist I have to learn to forgive and move on without falling into the victim role of the abuse. 

The orange section is the one that speaks the most to me. Any way enjoy this song, I do... over and over again.

A cold sweat hot-headed believer

I threw my hands in the air and said show me something

He said, if you dare come a little closer

Round and around and around and around we go

Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

I want you to stay

It's not much of a life you're living

It's not just something you take, it's given

Round and around and around and around we go

Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

And I want you to stay

Ohhh the reason I hold on
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

I want you to stay, stay

I want you to stay, ohhh

Yeah, I'll Tell You Something. I Think You'll Understand.

This morning when I woke up I was homicidal. As most of you know and not unique to myself, I hate mornings.  Ask Misty... Mary... Tommy... Mat... anyone I've lived with.  Thinks did not go my way so naturally I was pouty.  As the day went on I worked to get myself into a better mood.  I succeeded.  Then a co worker of mine told me to never get married after complaining about going dress shopping with his wife.  I replied with my usual response.  "I can't, its illegal."

A couple things bothered me about my response the first being that it is ilegal.  The second was that my response, while funny and sad, was pointing out my sexuality.  I noticed that it comes up a lot for me, especially in jokes. A good friend and co worker of mine asked me if I was going to be one of those gays that through their sexuality in everyones face.  I reassured him that was not my style.  While It wasn't then, it is now apparently. 

I feel bad always bringing it up to people, talking excessively about my boyfriend.  It's not like I consciously work it into conversations, I am merely conversing.  I have though about why I have become the gay that talks about being gay.  I have a few hypothesis to why that is.

Being gay is huge part of my life, especially right now.  I've only been out for a one and half years.  I only have been comfortable with my sexuality for 6 months.  Its on my mind a lot not just because it's new but also because it comes with complications.  These complications make it something very conscious in my mind.  For example, people are on a spectrum of acceptance.  The demographic causes the population to lean to the less pleasurable side of that spectrum.  Then there is the fact that LGBTQ individuals are not legally protected and denied rights and privileges.  I have to worry about how people take it.  I have to be sensitive to others about what I can and can not do infront of them.  Before you say that its no different than your heterosexual relationship... STOP.  It is not, I will not go into detail... but trust me it is not the same. 

Then there is the fact that the default sexuality is heterosexuality... which means people automatically assume you are heterosexual.  I have learned to love this aspect of myself.  I won't say I wouldn't have it any other way... because that is stupid.  We always take the easy way when we have the choice.  Any way I was born with this sexuality and learned to love being gay.  After years of hating my sexual orientation  I am able to not just love it, but also experience it.  

I tend to talk about things I care about. Sue me, but you'll loose.  We live in a heterosexual world (and right handed ;) world.  So if it feels like the gays are being overbearing with our sexuality.  Ask yourself what it'd be like if you where in our situation.  We are abnormal, statistically  therefore we are noticed.  Heterosexuality is the opposite.  Tell me what you think?  Should I be more apologetic? What is your hypothetical story if you were in my situation?  Please comment. 

Shine Bright Like a Dimond

Usually, this time of year consist people being annoyed by the early onset of zealous Christmas cheer.  I am annoyed with other's annoyance of me and the Thanksgiving Christmas cheer block.  Last year I was all scroogy.  I hated life and didn't have much hope.  I wanted my Thanksgiving to be completely void of people and Christmas could involve people as long as Misty was one of them.

This year is different, in the fact that I am not a scrooge.  In spite of my control of Christmas cheer, I may annoy people with my Christmas tree, or music.  However, those differences are a result of the change that has happened over the past year.  It is really hard to think that just a year ago I was hanging on to life.  The change really happened this spring, continued through the summer, and still continues with less acceleration.

I have a lot to be thankful for and it feels good.

First I would have to thank my sister Misty.  You'd never know that 4 years ago she indirectly and deeply insulted me.  If forgiveness required some sort of payment, she would have paid it off and the 100% intrest it would accumulate.  She has helped me become okay with myself, she has helped my family become ok with who I am, and she has helped others reconcile their understanding of homosexuality.  But the time when I needed her the most... she was there.  When my parents came to visit me that labor day I was felt like I lost my mother and all hope of a father.  Misty kept me in school.  We came up with a plan, she held me accountable for that.  She called me every morning to make sure I woke up to work out.  She called and/or texted through out the day.  All this and more even though she is typical soccer mom of four very active children.  Misty supported me through the darkest time of my life.  Misty literally saved my life.

Like Misty, my counselors deserve respect and gratitude.  They brought the professional help that I needed and Misty could not provide while working through the events, thoughts, and emotions.  I include all the group members in counseling as well.  I needed profesional help and I found it in the BYU counseling center.

Next Kendall and USGA.  USGA was a place that I could go and learn.  At first I just observed others with limited interaction.  I was still very confused and unsure about who I wanted for myself.  After the filming but before the release of the it gets better video.  I had some significant talks with Kendall.  That helped me understand myself and my parents.  Kendall will love this next statement.  I learned what empathy really is and developed methods to use this tool to help my family come to terms with my sexuality.  My understanding and acceptance has been greatly aided by these individuals.  There are specific people from USGA who have reached out to me. I'm talking to you Bridey, Derek, Ellen, Erich, Brent, and more.

Lastly, I have Kevin to thank.  Even though I don't understand it, he liked me.  He liked me enough to accept my invitations.  Prior to us become a couple, I felt incapable of having a romantic relationship.  I felt too broken, too hurt, and unrepairable.  Kevin proved me wrong.  He loves me, even though I get bitchy when I'm hungry.  He supports me when I am hating myself, for whatever reason, but its usually my appearance.  When I am hurting he comforts me.  Before you think its all bad. He dances dirty with me. Kevin will out in the cold snow to enjoy the city.  Kevin laughs at my funny jokes, he watches 30 Rock with me.  Warms me up when I'm cold.  He proved my hopelessness to be a farse.

I am grateful for many others, including my family.  Yes my parents, while they are still struggling with the reality of my life, they are honestly trying to understand it.  I am grateful for that stupid video that made me a minor local celebrity among the LDS gays.  Although, these things just didn't happen, I worked hard to gain the emotional health I have obtained, I am lucky that it worked.  The years of therapy, meditation, medication (including the exercise and diet), difficult talks, stupid vulnerability  and over all work has finally seemed worth the effort.  This Thanksgiving, I have hope.

The Same Fight that Lead People to Walk-Outs and Sit-Ins

You can barf now Becca

I am happy that I am with Kevin, check that, I am ecstatic that I get to date Kevin.  I have never been full of this much joy.  I worked hard for the happiness, I earned it.  Despite that fact that I have never been happier, it doesn't mean I don't have sad times.  I want to share some sad times and frustrations.  Remember how I'm good at that.

Kevin and I have had hateful words directed toward us.  We ignore the offenders. We have been sensitive to other people who are uncomfortable with our relationship and limiting our PDA to be non existant in some cases.  We love each other and we want to do the same, appropriate PDA other couples do with out the negative effects.  However that is not the world we live in.

I am frustrated with apologizing for my happiness.  I shouldn't have to defend my happiness because someone seeing my relationship as a sin.  I am tired of dismissing the hurtful words directed at me personally and at my fellow LGBT community.  I am tired of being denied validation for my personal definition of happiness.  I am tired of contemplating if I'll come out to someone at work by simply having a conversation about my weekend. I am tired of hearing people use the word gay as a synonym for stupid.

Today at work during the anti discrimination training I was reminded of progress that needs to be made.  I heard the word gay used negatively, as a slur, among other language expressing discrimination toward the G of the LGBT.  I would like to point out that this occurred during a briefing about how an employee is protected from discrimination.

I love Kevin, I enjoy his company and especially his love.  Surprisingly enough I love kissing him as well, holding his hand walking to Harmon's to get gelato.  I love being my authentic self.  Now that I know more of who I am and accept that, I just want to pursue my happiness just like every other American.  I want to share my joy of being in love for the first time.  I'm in love for the first time at 29, I may be late to the game but I am here. I deserve to participate equally.

And if you don't wanna be down with me You don't wanna pick from my appletree.

Romney vs. Obama.  Here in Utah it feels like ROMNEY vs. Obama.  I thought I'd share my views on:

1. How I choose who to vote for.

2. What is most important to me in this election.

3. Who I will be voting for (even though you probably know).

How I choose who to vote for.

First a little government lesson.  There are three branches of government.  The executive, judicial and legislative. The legislative (the House and Congress) makes the laws.  The executive (the President and cabinet)  branch enforces the law. Judicial system ensures the other branches are doing their job within the confines of the Constitution.  

That information is important because I see the president is in office as primarily a leader. NOT a lawmaker. I recognize that a president does push for laws to be made.  Pushing his/her political agenda is part of the process, but remember congress passes the law, including the budget.  The President promotes what he/she would like to see become law.  Ideology is important for a President to have.  When I listen to a leader I want to feel inspired, I want to be moved to action, etc.  So it is important to me for the President to be idealistic. 

Because the President is a leader and the face of America.  The President needs to be a good diplomat and I must like their foreign policy.  So I need a President to be able to interact with the other world leaders in fashion that promotes progress.  A President that can not be a good representation of America, while being respectful. Recap, I want an idealistic President, who inspires me and other nations.

What is most important for this election in choosing a President?

The ideal that I try to live by is equal opportunity.  While that is two simple words what it means to me is providing everyone the opportunity to pursue their individualized happiness.  There are many things that make opportunity unequal. Some of the issues that are preventing many from achieving their pursuit of happiness are: money, education, health and discrimination.  

Money provides more opportunity than all of the others listed because money help correct the other issues.  Education helps a person get a good job so he or she can provide for his or her family.  Education requires money. Less financial problems promote good health.  Good healthcare benefits usually come from good jobs. Good jobs come from good education and education requires money. Discrimination is prevalent with race, sex and yes you guessed it, sexuality.  Obviously, one of those categories is more pertinent to my life.  

To be more specific I want this President to push for an economic plan that will help all American's be successful in pursuing their happiness.  I want the President to continue to find solutions for our health care system (we have the knowledge, but many do not have the access).  I want anti discrimination laws put in place, in regards to the LGBT community.  That means legalizing gay marriage, removing laws prohibiting homosexual couples from adopting, and all the other ways that the LGBT community is discriminated against (like being fired or evicted based on sexual orientation). LGBT rights are the most important issue this election.  While some may feel it shouldn't be, they are probably not gay. 

Who will I vote for?

I think the answer was obvious before I answered the other two questions.  However if you haven't figured it out by now I question your intellect. I will be voting for President Obama.  President Obama is inspiring when he speaks, he is well liked by many countries, he is pushing economic plans that have worked in the past (Pres. Clinton).  He is more quick to talk it out, rather than fight it out.  He supports LGBT rights.

Romney, has upset most of the countries he has visited.  His economic plan is vague and what I understand it involves cutting taxes and "entitlement programs." While less taxes for me are awesome, less taxes for someone like Romney is not awesome.  Entitlement programs are there to help provide opportunity, I support reforming them, not completely cutting them. I don't feel inspired when Romney speaks, but that may be due to my presumptions  Lastly, Romney is will not help to promote LGBT rights, he is against many.  Their are other reasons I don't want him as my president, however, I don't need to expand.  

I felt the need to share because I am tired of the hateful Facebook posts.  I loose respect for people when they say that people who will still support Obama after reading whatever they posted.  Or people saying voting for Obama means that I'm ignorant. There are many who will be voting for Obama because of sound and valid logic.  I may not be a fan of Romney, but I do not believe he is evil.  I do believe he is a man who wants what is best for his country.  I just don't agree with his ideals.  So please, just because you don't understand why someone is voting different from you it doesn't mean they are uninformed or unintelligent.  So please try to understand their position before attacking them. 

Your Love Is My Drug

Notice the Picture on the right.

I think I should get back into blogging.  I stopped because of good, but not necessarily for good reason.  As my last post stated a lot has changed in my life.  The most important change has been my increasing happiness.  I started to notice a my mood improving the end of May.  If I was still taking that survey that quantified my depression and dispar, it would have been close to the "normal" line. I hit the threshold, so I was ready to connect with Kevin. Since then Kevin has been my catalyst.  He is the most effective enzyme to improving my emotional health.

I will now refer to Kevin as enzyme K... it seems appropriate given our background.  Like an enzyme when he is near the chemistry is simplified and thus more efficient.  When enzyme K is in the far land of Utah county, I miss his presence.  I count down the days until I see my precious enzyme, I calculate the time at which I can text him so I don't interrupt his study, exercise and other productive activities. I contemplate the number of seconds it will take this next time to fill his love in our first embrace since our last encounter.

I am not quite sure of the specifics of how enzyme K works, but since I am a scientist I have the skills to find out.  So far there is a strong correlation, when he is near my happiness increases.  I have theorized that it could be that handsome face or the size of his brain.  His energy and/or his socialality.  But my current theory is that he uses a combination of all his great traits to catalyze the chemistry between.  Further research is needed to confirm current theories or bring up completely new ones.  I will continue to use my scientific reasoning to figure it out and will enjoy the discovery.

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well.

So it's been a long... long time since I've posted on my blog.  Fortunately its because things have changed.  So I will list some changes.

     1. I am now 29.
     2. I may make finance for the Air Force my career.
     3. I am starting to like fish.
     4. I have a boyfriend.

So number 4 is the biggest change, but my father would argue that its I'm starting to like fish.  So yes I have a boyfriend.  The progression from where I was at the end of May to now has been exponential in regards to my psyche.  I believe it first started with the It Gets Better video.  At first it was hard being that vulnerable.  Then I started to feel good, because of the love that was directed toward me and mostly the feeling of being truly authentic was more of a reality.

Then Pride weekend happened, the overwhelming love and support I felt from not only the gay community but from the LDS community as well.  And yes, that is when its started with Kevin... my boyfriend.

This is where I explain how I went from being single to having a boyfriend (skip if you'd like to "This is where..."). As cliche but at the same time unique it maybe it started on the dance floor.  There was a connection between us as we danced, then grew as we spent pride weekend together.  I even spent the afternoon with his mother.  As we spent more time together we our connection grew.  We connected over checking out men at a pool party.  We connected watching a drag show at a club that night.  We connected over admiring Dustin Lance Black as he presented USGA with a courage award.  We connected by being the debbie downers for Braidan and our love for health.  As the weekend came to a close I knew I was crushing on him.

The next two weeks were this overwhelming and mutual sense of desire to be together.  The connection we had developed was so strong and obvious we both were questioned by fellow USGAers, including to but not limited to the Queen of USGA, what was going on between us.  I was waiting for him to make a move, but he was probably doing the same.  I eventually got the courage to ask him out despite his expression to not want to date anyone until he graduated.  With some encouragement from Braidan, I asked Kevin out.

Our first date started out very uniquely.  We were interviewed for a newspaper in regards to the It Gets Better video.  When we said our goodbyes to the reporter and his photographer.  He asked if we were together.  The rest of the story went remarkably unoriginally into a relationship.

This were I explain why my life is so much better.  Through cultivating a relationship with Kevin I have gained more self confidence.  Affirmation in regards to my decision to date men.  Improved my spirituality and more.  The two most influential items on the list where experience a part of the human experience I had not and I have returned to the Mark who can not sit still long enough to watch a movie without falling asleep.

The romantic connection I have tried to create with in my self for very worthy women came intuitively with Kevin.  The development of our relationship was natural, unforced yet nurtured, and based on authenticity.  I now feel like I understand straight people.  It was nice not to choose a girl to date and then proceed to design a protocol to turning her into a girlfriend.  It always ended the same, the connection I felt never grew past friendship for me.  I am thankful but apologetic to all the girls I have dated but failed move into a relationship that ended in marriage.  This Hollywood romanticism has been  a wonderful addition to my life experience.  When I say wonderful, I mean it as great but also full of wonder and awe.

So as a result of this relationship I hate myself less, gained a new significant life experience, grown closer to God, and become the bubbly, out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  Except this time I was the honest bubbly out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  I never knew that a person could be this happy.  I never understood that this type of relationship was so helpful and important for my life experience.  Now that I am in the know, the probability of a death due to natural causes is high.

Even if Kevin and I break up next week (which is highly unlikely) I have gained a new hope.  I have many people in my life to thank.  I have let them know of my gratitude and will continue to let them know.  So Kendall and Misty you are arguably the persons who saved my life (I shouldn't forget my therapists).  The day that you two finally meet... which will be sunday.  I will title "the meeting of the gods."  While Kendall and Misty seemed to have been essential through this journey.  Many of you have been helpful.  Whether it has been words of encouragement, someone to talk to and/or lovingly challenge me, an offering of different perspectives, being my boyfriend (wink, wink), etc.  Know that you have changed my life for the better.