Not Even Human

There is this new artist that I found. Her name is Angel Taylor. I don't know if any of you heard of her, but she is worth checking out. She has a beautiful voice and is talented. My only complaint is that I wish that she would be more diverse with her subject matter. Only one of her songs are about something other than romantic relationships. Don't let my one criticism deter you from checking her music out.

Any way I wanted to talk about one song that I really like. This song is about a girl who is broken by someone she loved. Even though this song is about a boy mistreating her. The song is called "Not Even Human." I'm listening to this song and my mind wanders to a book that I recently read, "Healing the Shame that Binds You." One of the points Bradshaw (the author) makes is that a person driven by toxic shame often believes he/she is either more than human or less than human. Angel Taylor is obviously thinking of the latter. I not only hear these words I feel their emotion. I could sing this song at points of my life to those who have hurt me. Many experiences have come to mind. Some of the worst experiences where when I was burned by those who I cared the most about, but that is not what I like most about the song.

As I ponder more I realize that I let these hurtful experiences consume me with hatred. Being consumed with hate only brings more hate until it spills into all facets of your life. This song doesn't portray hatred at all the tone of the music is more of disappointment. So further analyzation of the lyrics is appropriate. As I analyze it more I realize that this person, at first appearances, seemed to be a giving soul. Angel Taylor realizes it was all an act. She says that he is "not even human, just a lovely idea of one." That is where the feeling of disappointment comes from. I can relate to that now. My hate is gone but the void is filled with disappointment. Disappointment with those that deceived me and especially with my self.

I could sing this song to myself. So many times I have done things motivated by this toxic shame to hide myself. For so long I have been living a lie. I have deceived myself into believing I was someone I wasn't. Even if the truth is a fault, weakness or natural defect, living the truth makes me human. In being human, life becomes less stressful. If I am less than human I am consumed by guilt and self hatred. If I am more than human I become this eternally hungry ego. If I am human I realize my limitations and accept myself with my faults. That is where I want to be content that I a may make mistakes but willing to work on my faults.

Where Are Those Motha F@#$%!' Lights!

So this new round of therapy has been really about self discovery for me. I read this book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. It was so enlightening for me. I realized that I was governed by what Bradshaw calls toxic shame. Unfortunately I have never gained the inner confidence needed to live a joyful life. Have I felt joy before? Yes. However I have never felt the joy of self. As a child I needed to know that I had worth. I was a victim of my father's criticism and rage. Before you count out my father keep in mind he was also a victim of the same crimes. The criticism and rage convinced me that I was flawed and a burden. I did have a great loving mother, but it must not have been enough. I'm sure most of her energy was spent on creating an environment that kept my father satisfied. I have never doubted her love for me and never can.

The problem is I don't know how I can let go of this toxic shame. This inner shame has been apart of my life ever since I can remember. It is how I have protected me from the emotional pain drives me to self destruction. Sometimes I am grateful and other times resentful for not succeeding. I can intellectualize my worth but I cant feel it. I want to have a that moment of self realization. A realization that I am worthy of success, I am worthy of praise, I am worthy of self love.

All I have now is my iPod to help me meditate on my life and how I can change it for the better. The only answers I receive are ways to get by. So tonight to get by my iPod will be on repeat till I fall into another colorless nightmare. As I listen to Coldplay's song Fix you, I will be able to get by for now and hope that tomorrow I will have the moment I desperately need to survive this hell that is my life.