So even though I moved out early, due to extreme conflict with a roommate, I had a great weekend. I got to spend some time with friends and it was great. I talked to my Mom, which is always good. I find myself wishing I could bleed out these feelings. I don't know why my mind thinks if I bleed I'll feel better. Maybe its not feeling better just feeling different.
I watched the Best Two Years and my depression revisited me when I saw the Elder depressed. I feel like I don't have a purpose any more. I know the generic and general purpose. But what is Mark's purpose. How am I going to make this world better? I don't even know why I die anymore? The only reason I keep going is because I don't want to disappoint my family and good friends. This will keep me going for now but will keep me going on when that isn't enough? I have to figure it out... SOON. However maybe I'll get lucky and I won't wake up in the morning. Yes its seems bad but waking up to this life isn't any better. So good night... hopefully for good.
Oh Mark. Keep going on! You'll get there and then you'll be so glad you stuck through it all.
ReplyDeleteMark, you make people happy just by existing. I can't even tell you how much Brian and I love being around you, no matter what mood you're in. We always get really excited when we know we're going to see you soon because we know that with you we are in good and enjoyable company.
Let me reiterate: you as yourself makes this world better just by being in it. You have beautiful hopes and dreams and so much faith in the possibility of good in the world around you.
While in Denver you should go dancing more often. Learn a new type of dance, huh?
Come back in once piece. We miss you a lot over here. I know we aren't the best at being friends to people, but we're getting better. :) I'm getting to be a good little hostess to friends, so we'll start having more things at our house sooner or later.
If you need an inbetween place next spring you are always welcome to stay at our place. And it might be inappropriate, but you're even welcome to live here until you find a place that best suites your needs, ok? When you come back, that it.
We miss you!
Mark, yo te amo
ReplyDelete-Paul
Mark May, you are loved! This is a very tough challenge you continue to go through. I feel relieved to know that you're aware of it. You just need to fight it--by doing things that you know *have* made you happy, even if they aren't the things that thrill you now. Kind of like when you don't feel that burning testimony at times; you keep going through the motions, praying, reading your scriptures, and going to church, because you know you've felt the spirit there before and can feel it again. Even when you don't feel it, keep going. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...no matter how long the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteQuit scaring me! Seriously, you are a good, good guy. Your existence, like the first comment said, makes others happy. You contribute to the world in being someone who's not someone else, having specific and unique qualities that only you have in the combination you have them. You're a piece of the puzzle that, if it didn't exist, would sure make that puzzle hard (and frustrating!) to complete.