You Don't know the Things I've Learned

So this is part of an email I sent to my parents today... I thought it would help better explain what I am thinking abou the whole gay issue.

I'm glad you are reading this book. I think it has/will help you guys understand where I'm coming from. You are right about going back to the basics. That's what I've been doing. I have learned a lot about my self and God through this. My eyes have been open to a more practical and realistic. I have learned that my salvation is 100% percent between me, God, and the Savior. I have learned to separate my salvation from the church too. Although I believe that this is God's church, I do not believe it's the only way to gain salvation. I have learned to realize the ideal LDS path my not me the ideal path for me. I have learned to separate my the Gospel and the Church. I have also learned that judgement can only be made with proper understanding. As mortals with limited experience we are not to judge.

For me it ll comes down to how I learn to love. I have spent too long trying to be the perfect son, brother, older brother and the list goes on. In my mind I thought ( and still do at times) think I have to be the complete opposite of who I am. What I need to be focused on is being who I am. I may not know everything about who I am but I do know a lot. I can use being my self to increase my capacity to love. But as cliche and lane as it sounds I have to love my self to increase my capacity to love.

I can not know the future or make an accurate prediction. I know that I am gay and I know that it conflicts with the church in a big way at the time being. I believe prejudice and lack of understanding will keep many LDS men and women stay in the closet. As of right now I am active in the church and want to be. However I decided that Sunday school and priesthood do more harm than good. So I only go to sacrament. Going to the temple is the same way.

As much as I wish to I could just pray and have faith that I will become straight, I know it's not God's will. That may change but it is hard for me to see that.

I am learning to not only to accept myself but love myself. I have noticed a large increase these past couple weeks. I am thankful for that because I have made some hard choices that don't seem to be what the church would suggest. I stopped going to Sunday school and priesthood. I have started talking more with other gay guys out here and opening the possibility of dating them.

I realize this is most likely difficult for you to accept and understand. I wish I could give 5 minutes of the pain I have been experiencing and the joy I have been feeling as I have been making these choices. Obviously I can't, but please just trust me.

You and Mom have roughy me good things. From Mom I have learned compassion and being aware of others. From you I have learned the value of work and responsibility.

I have a string testimony of the Savior and his atonement. I know trusting me will be difficult because it may lead me to marry another man. That will make me leave the Church. So please just know that I am taking my life seriously, I'm not going through a phase, and my testimony of and relationship with the Savior will guide me.