The Same Fight that Lead People to Walk-Outs and Sit-Ins

You can barf now Becca

I am happy that I am with Kevin, check that, I am ecstatic that I get to date Kevin.  I have never been full of this much joy.  I worked hard for the happiness, I earned it.  Despite that fact that I have never been happier, it doesn't mean I don't have sad times.  I want to share some sad times and frustrations.  Remember how I'm good at that.

Kevin and I have had hateful words directed toward us.  We ignore the offenders. We have been sensitive to other people who are uncomfortable with our relationship and limiting our PDA to be non existant in some cases.  We love each other and we want to do the same, appropriate PDA other couples do with out the negative effects.  However that is not the world we live in.

I am frustrated with apologizing for my happiness.  I shouldn't have to defend my happiness because someone seeing my relationship as a sin.  I am tired of dismissing the hurtful words directed at me personally and at my fellow LGBT community.  I am tired of being denied validation for my personal definition of happiness.  I am tired of contemplating if I'll come out to someone at work by simply having a conversation about my weekend. I am tired of hearing people use the word gay as a synonym for stupid.

Today at work during the anti discrimination training I was reminded of progress that needs to be made.  I heard the word gay used negatively, as a slur, among other language expressing discrimination toward the G of the LGBT.  I would like to point out that this occurred during a briefing about how an employee is protected from discrimination.

I love Kevin, I enjoy his company and especially his love.  Surprisingly enough I love kissing him as well, holding his hand walking to Harmon's to get gelato.  I love being my authentic self.  Now that I know more of who I am and accept that, I just want to pursue my happiness just like every other American.  I want to share my joy of being in love for the first time.  I'm in love for the first time at 29, I may be late to the game but I am here. I deserve to participate equally.

And if you don't wanna be down with me You don't wanna pick from my appletree.

Romney vs. Obama.  Here in Utah it feels like ROMNEY vs. Obama.  I thought I'd share my views on:

1. How I choose who to vote for.

2. What is most important to me in this election.

3. Who I will be voting for (even though you probably know).

How I choose who to vote for.

First a little government lesson.  There are three branches of government.  The executive, judicial and legislative. The legislative (the House and Congress) makes the laws.  The executive (the President and cabinet)  branch enforces the law. Judicial system ensures the other branches are doing their job within the confines of the Constitution.  

That information is important because I see the president is in office as primarily a leader. NOT a lawmaker. I recognize that a president does push for laws to be made.  Pushing his/her political agenda is part of the process, but remember congress passes the law, including the budget.  The President promotes what he/she would like to see become law.  Ideology is important for a President to have.  When I listen to a leader I want to feel inspired, I want to be moved to action, etc.  So it is important to me for the President to be idealistic. 

Because the President is a leader and the face of America.  The President needs to be a good diplomat and I must like their foreign policy.  So I need a President to be able to interact with the other world leaders in fashion that promotes progress.  A President that can not be a good representation of America, while being respectful. Recap, I want an idealistic President, who inspires me and other nations.

What is most important for this election in choosing a President?

The ideal that I try to live by is equal opportunity.  While that is two simple words what it means to me is providing everyone the opportunity to pursue their individualized happiness.  There are many things that make opportunity unequal. Some of the issues that are preventing many from achieving their pursuit of happiness are: money, education, health and discrimination.  

Money provides more opportunity than all of the others listed because money help correct the other issues.  Education helps a person get a good job so he or she can provide for his or her family.  Education requires money. Less financial problems promote good health.  Good healthcare benefits usually come from good jobs. Good jobs come from good education and education requires money. Discrimination is prevalent with race, sex and yes you guessed it, sexuality.  Obviously, one of those categories is more pertinent to my life.  

To be more specific I want this President to push for an economic plan that will help all American's be successful in pursuing their happiness.  I want the President to continue to find solutions for our health care system (we have the knowledge, but many do not have the access).  I want anti discrimination laws put in place, in regards to the LGBT community.  That means legalizing gay marriage, removing laws prohibiting homosexual couples from adopting, and all the other ways that the LGBT community is discriminated against (like being fired or evicted based on sexual orientation). LGBT rights are the most important issue this election.  While some may feel it shouldn't be, they are probably not gay. 

Who will I vote for?

I think the answer was obvious before I answered the other two questions.  However if you haven't figured it out by now I question your intellect. I will be voting for President Obama.  President Obama is inspiring when he speaks, he is well liked by many countries, he is pushing economic plans that have worked in the past (Pres. Clinton).  He is more quick to talk it out, rather than fight it out.  He supports LGBT rights.

Romney, has upset most of the countries he has visited.  His economic plan is vague and what I understand it involves cutting taxes and "entitlement programs." While less taxes for me are awesome, less taxes for someone like Romney is not awesome.  Entitlement programs are there to help provide opportunity, I support reforming them, not completely cutting them. I don't feel inspired when Romney speaks, but that may be due to my presumptions  Lastly, Romney is will not help to promote LGBT rights, he is against many.  Their are other reasons I don't want him as my president, however, I don't need to expand.  

I felt the need to share because I am tired of the hateful Facebook posts.  I loose respect for people when they say that people who will still support Obama after reading whatever they posted.  Or people saying voting for Obama means that I'm ignorant. There are many who will be voting for Obama because of sound and valid logic.  I may not be a fan of Romney, but I do not believe he is evil.  I do believe he is a man who wants what is best for his country.  I just don't agree with his ideals.  So please, just because you don't understand why someone is voting different from you it doesn't mean they are uninformed or unintelligent.  So please try to understand their position before attacking them. 

Your Love Is My Drug

Notice the Picture on the right.

I think I should get back into blogging.  I stopped because of good, but not necessarily for good reason.  As my last post stated a lot has changed in my life.  The most important change has been my increasing happiness.  I started to notice a my mood improving the end of May.  If I was still taking that survey that quantified my depression and dispar, it would have been close to the "normal" line. I hit the threshold, so I was ready to connect with Kevin. Since then Kevin has been my catalyst.  He is the most effective enzyme to improving my emotional health.

I will now refer to Kevin as enzyme K... it seems appropriate given our background.  Like an enzyme when he is near the chemistry is simplified and thus more efficient.  When enzyme K is in the far land of Utah county, I miss his presence.  I count down the days until I see my precious enzyme, I calculate the time at which I can text him so I don't interrupt his study, exercise and other productive activities. I contemplate the number of seconds it will take this next time to fill his love in our first embrace since our last encounter.

I am not quite sure of the specifics of how enzyme K works, but since I am a scientist I have the skills to find out.  So far there is a strong correlation, when he is near my happiness increases.  I have theorized that it could be that handsome face or the size of his brain.  His energy and/or his socialality.  But my current theory is that he uses a combination of all his great traits to catalyze the chemistry between.  Further research is needed to confirm current theories or bring up completely new ones.  I will continue to use my scientific reasoning to figure it out and will enjoy the discovery.

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well.

So it's been a long... long time since I've posted on my blog.  Fortunately its because things have changed.  So I will list some changes.

     1. I am now 29.
     2. I may make finance for the Air Force my career.
     3. I am starting to like fish.
     4. I have a boyfriend.

So number 4 is the biggest change, but my father would argue that its I'm starting to like fish.  So yes I have a boyfriend.  The progression from where I was at the end of May to now has been exponential in regards to my psyche.  I believe it first started with the It Gets Better video.  At first it was hard being that vulnerable.  Then I started to feel good, because of the love that was directed toward me and mostly the feeling of being truly authentic was more of a reality.

Then Pride weekend happened, the overwhelming love and support I felt from not only the gay community but from the LDS community as well.  And yes, that is when its started with Kevin... my boyfriend.

This is where I explain how I went from being single to having a boyfriend (skip if you'd like to "This is where..."). As cliche but at the same time unique it maybe it started on the dance floor.  There was a connection between us as we danced, then grew as we spent pride weekend together.  I even spent the afternoon with his mother.  As we spent more time together we our connection grew.  We connected over checking out men at a pool party.  We connected watching a drag show at a club that night.  We connected over admiring Dustin Lance Black as he presented USGA with a courage award.  We connected by being the debbie downers for Braidan and our love for health.  As the weekend came to a close I knew I was crushing on him.

The next two weeks were this overwhelming and mutual sense of desire to be together.  The connection we had developed was so strong and obvious we both were questioned by fellow USGAers, including to but not limited to the Queen of USGA, what was going on between us.  I was waiting for him to make a move, but he was probably doing the same.  I eventually got the courage to ask him out despite his expression to not want to date anyone until he graduated.  With some encouragement from Braidan, I asked Kevin out.

Our first date started out very uniquely.  We were interviewed for a newspaper in regards to the It Gets Better video.  When we said our goodbyes to the reporter and his photographer.  He asked if we were together.  The rest of the story went remarkably unoriginally into a relationship.

This were I explain why my life is so much better.  Through cultivating a relationship with Kevin I have gained more self confidence.  Affirmation in regards to my decision to date men.  Improved my spirituality and more.  The two most influential items on the list where experience a part of the human experience I had not and I have returned to the Mark who can not sit still long enough to watch a movie without falling asleep.

The romantic connection I have tried to create with in my self for very worthy women came intuitively with Kevin.  The development of our relationship was natural, unforced yet nurtured, and based on authenticity.  I now feel like I understand straight people.  It was nice not to choose a girl to date and then proceed to design a protocol to turning her into a girlfriend.  It always ended the same, the connection I felt never grew past friendship for me.  I am thankful but apologetic to all the girls I have dated but failed move into a relationship that ended in marriage.  This Hollywood romanticism has been  a wonderful addition to my life experience.  When I say wonderful, I mean it as great but also full of wonder and awe.

So as a result of this relationship I hate myself less, gained a new significant life experience, grown closer to God, and become the bubbly, out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  Except this time I was the honest bubbly out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  I never knew that a person could be this happy.  I never understood that this type of relationship was so helpful and important for my life experience.  Now that I am in the know, the probability of a death due to natural causes is high.

Even if Kevin and I break up next week (which is highly unlikely) I have gained a new hope.  I have many people in my life to thank.  I have let them know of my gratitude and will continue to let them know.  So Kendall and Misty you are arguably the persons who saved my life (I shouldn't forget my therapists).  The day that you two finally meet... which will be sunday.  I will title "the meeting of the gods."  While Kendall and Misty seemed to have been essential through this journey.  Many of you have been helpful.  Whether it has been words of encouragement, someone to talk to and/or lovingly challenge me, an offering of different perspectives, being my boyfriend (wink, wink), etc.  Know that you have changed my life for the better.

He Reminded Me the Only Way to Keep Aliens from Reading Your Mind

This is a message I received a while back, I thought you guys would be interested in reading the message and my response.

Mark~

I appreciate your comments and would like to offer a suggestion. If, as you say, you would like to "down the straight pill" that would remove same-sex attraction, consider visiting Jan Graf of Graf Stress Management (St. George, UT) or me, Elizabeth Richardson (Rockville, MD). I have written about the technique we use on my website (MindBodyStressMgmt.com) although I don't specifically address its use with homosexuality there. However, I'd be happy to discuss it with you if you get in touch with me.

People divide into two camps on homosexuality: it's either a condition of birth or a choice. From what I see, neither is correct. My perspective is that when we're under extreme stress (and with homosexuality, that stress was often molestation), we become vulnerable to being bothered by negative entities (what the scriptures refer to as devils and evil spirits, the latter being disembodied spirits of those who once lived on earth as we do now but linger here rather than continuing to progress for a variety of reasons) who can actually get in us as "squatters" or "poachers," if you will.

As stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, spirits have gender. When they gain access to us, they then can express feelings and opinions which sound to us as though they're our own -- even complete with corresponding physical symptoms -- but which really are not ours. Get a female spirit into a male body and you have someone who feels like 'a woman trapped in a man's body,' a common statement made by gays. The female spirit occupying space in the man's body is still naturally attracted to males and expresses this preference, but to the world (including the man whose body she's occupying) it appears to be a man attracted to another man. I know it sounds weird in our scientific age, where we prefer to believe in chemical imbalances and gender identity issues and so forth, but I have seen this borne out again and again.

Graf Stress Management works quickly and efficiently with this problem, but ONLY when the client wants to address it. As with anything else in life, individual agency is the bedrock principle.

Frankly, I'd welcome a chance to talk this over with you or anyone else. My biggest frustrations is that this simple, gospel-based solution is not widely known. Instead, there is the constant back-and-forth hostility between two completely false (and insoluble) options, that homosexuality is a choice vs. that it's an accident of birth.

Regards,

Elizabeth Cardon Richardson

Thank you for reaching out to me through that blog. I apologize for taking so long I get back to you. Your post was not published but Kathryn shared it with me. I admit when I first read your post I was ready to fight. As I have let my reactionary emotions subside I was able to hear the love you undoubtedly are expressing.

While I know you are offering help I respectfully decline. I would like to offer my perspective however, and discuss some of the points you make that are at least inaccurate for my experience but likely for many.

The first being my desire for the straight pill. The desire is weakening and only exists because of desperation for my father's approval. Being straight would allow me to marry the way he expects me to marry. Also life as a straight man is generally easier than life as a gay man.

The second point being the notion that a gay man is a woman trapped in a man's body. This is often offensive to gay men. A woman trapped in a man's body is better defined as transgender. While I trust that gay men have described this to explain their gay  experience, I'd argue that it often is misunderstood. The gay men I associate with do not feel like a woman but some use this expression to describe their effeminate qualities. In fact a lot of gay men are insecure about others seeing them as women, because we are clearly men (transgender woman my biologically be a man but consider themselves women trapped in a man's body). I hope the Distinction makes  sense.

This leads me to your explanation that reminds me of Scientology, that people under stress are possessed by squatters. While I admit I am skeptical of this hypothesis, I recognize I don't know everything and this maybe the case. My experience would support the theory that my sexuality is innate and natural. As I have become more accepting of my sexuality I have gained more peace. Stress in my life have been decreasing, I am less worried about being perfect and more worried about improving myself. I believe that the new authenticity I am expressing is the cause for decreased stress.

I would never actively stop any persons who would like to use the Garf method. If a person is benefited from thus program than I support them. Like you stated the participant must believe it'll work. I go not believe my sexuality will change or should change. I feel my work is to now rid my mind of the toxic shame that has been my motivation in life.

I want to express my gratitude to you again for reaching out to me. It was very kind to do so. I hope you have not taken offense to my objections but see them as me reaching out to you to create better understanding of gay men.

Thank You

We are Stronger Than Before the Strain Had Broken Us and There is Fight in Us I Know

I just got home from church and don't have much time before the Echol's arrive for dinner. However I feel the need to share my experience today at church.  I wish I could be boosting of an experience that Zach shared moments ago on the USGA page.  I am struggling to keep understanding and empathy in mind when I think of my church experience today.

During sacrament meeting a talk was given, and well spoken I might add.  However, erred on the judgmental and imposed definitions side.  This brother spoke about being a liberal vs conservative latter day saint.  He was not speaking of political liberalism or conservatism, but more in the interpretation of the practice of mormonism.  He spoke of liberal mormons intelectualize their reasons for following the church's teaching, where conservative follower only need faith to obey.  His talk mirrored the rhetoric that you can not be a "cafeteria Mormon," a true follower of the religion accepts all or nothing.  I actively changed my thoughts to judging this man to trying to see the good in his message and understand the principles that resonate with me.

After his talk I went out to use the restroom and a sister stopped to talk to me.  She had recognized me from the video.  It was so sweet of her to not only talk with me.  She left the room because of the talk.  She was offended by the his comments about proposition 8.  After I went back in to listen to the other speakers, their message focused more on love and becoming Christlike.  They resonated with me and gave reason to continue to attend the remainder of the meetings.

In sunday school, proposition 8 was brought up again.  The message of not supporting the amendment was going against the Prophet and a sign of apostasy.  The rhetoric changed to being unified in all aspects of the church with the Prophet was equivalent to being unified with God.  I again fought the urge to judge, stand up and leave.  Luckily the same girl and others started to direct the conversation away to a message that was less offensive about agency and love.

Elder's quorum just isn't Elder's quorum with out a discussion of home teaching in the opening exercises.  This week was the week that they passed out the new assignments.  The Elder's quorum president who not only has a profession similar to that of Jason Bourne and hot, has the task of helping me not hate the popo.  Back to home teaching. The Elder's quorum president told us that accepting this slip of paper was a commitment to fulfill the home teaching assignment and if we did not want to accept the commitment we were to give it back at the end of church.  I had decided a while ago that home teaching was not a way that I would participate with in the church, even though I did my final semester in the Lanai ward (only because I respect and fully supported my companion and roommate). I had to disappoint this good looking man by declining the offer.

My heart was already hurting when I attended and am considerably more sensitive to these experiences due to a conversation with my niece.  She told me even though she loved and supported me, she didn't like my decision to date men.  While I respect her decision to conform the conclusions she wishes, it still hurts to not have the validation.  The statement may or may not be a reflection of her parents feelings and conclusions.  I was in no way surprised and tried my best to prepare.  The preparation probably helped but didn't prevent the hurt (if you are reading this my beloved niece, please do not worry about hurting me, I know you love me regardless, I prefer honesty to silence). I then proceeded to break an important rule, I drank while sad.  Now I have to live with the previously prescribed self inflicted consequences.

These experiences this weekend are in contrast of last weekend and a reminder of why a productive conversations is necessary.  I don't think that these people who have had a negative impact on me are evil, bad or intentionally did so.  I do believe there is room for more understanding of each other.  I hope that I can continue to push through my own insecurities and pain to be apart of the change.

Shake it, Shake it Baby, Shake Your Ass Out on the Street

Pride weekend was fun, emotional, and arousing. (winking emoticon)

USGA received a courage award for the 'It Gets Better' video. As they introduced us they showed the last little bit of the video.  The emotions started.  We were invited on stage and Nathan was given the award. Again I got emotional. The support and love from the crowd was unexpected.  I looked out into the crowd and it hit me how far I've come.  A year ago I was at home binging on food and television.  That weekend my roommates were out of town.  I had just come out, or started coming out.  On that stage not only was I very much out, I was happy about it.

Sunday I joined the Mormon Building Bridges in marching in the parade.  Even though I was exhausted from all the partying the two previous days, I was full of energy.  A couple of my straight friends marched with with me, I was greeted by my USGA crew, and the turn out was incredible.  All of those people was energizing.  What really pumped me up was the crowd.  They were so loving and thankful.  I realize the crowd's love and gratitude were directed to the straight marchers. It meant a lot to me to see the crowd so welcome of these Mormon allies.  Many have been hurt deeply by the church and/or its members, including myself.  I can not imagine a happy life with out the two identities being at odds with each other.  The two communities have hurt and fought each other for years.  I am seeing the healing begin between the two parties.  That healing is helping me heal.

I have to once again thank Kendall.  I'm sure he is annoyed with my praise, I borderline worship him.  While I realize that he is not the only force behind the change that is occurring, it appears to me that he is the leader of it.  As far as I am considered Kendall Wilcox is the Gay Mormon.  Kendall has been key on making USGA what it is today through his guidance and leadership.  Kendall was also a major reason Erika's plan to march in the parade was such a huge success.  He is and continues to inspire people to make this world better, through his Far Between project and encouragement.

Now that I have successfully created a literary shrine for Kendall I can talk about the results.  Mormons and the LGBT community are speaking with each other and abandoning talking at each other.  This change in conversation is healing, brings understanding, and love.  I am so grateful I get to witness this process, I have been apart of it.

I have a strengthened hope for the awkwardness among family members and friends to end.  I new hope that all of my family will love and accept my future husband (assuming I can catch one). Maybe my dream of living next door to my brothers can still exist, even with one less sister in law and an additional brother in law. My children can be accepted the same as the birthers in the family.  The probability of a natural death in my future has increased significantly.