Goodbye I'll Miss You...

So today was an emotional day for me. The emotion was building up from the beginning of finals. I had to say good bye to my group therapy gang, but fortunately we decided to say in touch. Then finals of coarse are a stressful time. Then once it was all over my roommates left. They either moved out or went home for the weekend. I quickly got bored. I had gotten all the cleaning and organizing done by friday afternoon. So saturday I realized I was where I was a year ago, I had free time but no one to spend it with. Today Devin was going to bless his daughter Lydia. I attended the blessing but came a little late and sat in the back. As I was sitting surrounded by couples I realized this was my future in two years. The loneliness continued to increase. Then my mind wandered to the fact that Devin and Ashley were leaving.

Devin has been there for me over the past few years. He took me to the hospital when I attempted suicide, he has held my wallet when I didn't feel like I could fight the temptation to drink. One taste of the being drunk could turn me into an alcoholic. He was there to listen offer guidance, validation and comfort. So naturally I was dreading loosing his support. Tonight I gave him a letter the talked about things I wanted to say to him for a while but never got the courage to say them. After he read the letter he called me and asked me over to talk. Because of some of the things I disclosed in the letter I was afraid our friendship would end. I was terrified of his response. I was so glad he asked me to come over and talk. I was able to release so much emotion and abandon fears. We cried together as we discussed the letter. The tears for me were full of pain and his were full of comfort.

The chat with him and his wife was what I needed. I am so thankful for his friendship, acceptance and brotherly love. I will miss him and his family significantly. So here is my homage to him. Devin thank you. You are a great person who will bless many lives. I am so glad that you have blessed my life. You have made my journey through this pain I face more bearable. Your acceptance has helped me start to accept myself. Thank you, I will miss our workouts, the dinners, and our chats. The good news is I know that you accept all of me and this distance won't ruin the friendship we share. I just realized this sounds like I'm saying goodbye to him because of death... but he is just moving. The good news is he is only a phone call away, or a text if he ever starts texting.

This Easter was by no means like any other. It wasn't focused on tradition by any means. However it was full of spiritual experiences. I also had a great chat with my sister on the phone. Today is one of the days I have felt God's love for me. I hope I will continue to feel his love. If tomorrow I wake up depressed then I hope I can keep this feeling in mind to get me through until the next experience where I feel God's love for me.

Green Zone the worst Matt Damon movie... but where I want to be.

So this past weekend has been so great. You be thinking I'm another one of those crazy people obsessed with General Conference. The truth is General Conference did play a role, but because a talk spoke to me or because I was in the same room as the Prophet. No, it all started by going to my mission reunion. I went to the renunion to see my mission president and an old companion, Elder Southwick. I obviously got to see my mission president, it was at his house. Mitch didn't come though. However I did meet someone I served with but never got the opportunity to really know. We talked a bit there. I didn't think much of it. Then he messaged me later on Facebook. So I added him as a friend and did a little Facebook stalking just to learn more about him. I learned he has some of the same challenges as I do. In fact he wrote a book about. I asked for a copy. Thankfully he shared it with me.

This is when the magic happened. I read the book full of stories like mine in different stages of their journey. A couple weeks prior I had decided that I would fast for answers of how to deal with my trials. Even though I have done this many times I hoped this time would be different, because of General Conference. I have been struggling with the same questions for past few years and diligently seeking answers the past 2 years. My faith was definitely tested and many times I was frustrated.

However I received some guidance through the spirit. The thing it didn't come because I was particularly more righteous than previously. It came because that's the when it was supposed to. God helped me on his own time table for whatever reason. I'm just glad that now I have some guidance and have had my faith reaffirmed.

I still don't understand all that happened or why it was so significant. I still need time to process it all. I went from having the highest score on the OQ test (a survey I take every week for counseling), to dropping into an lower zone just in a matter of days. I don't know exactly what my life will hold from here on out but I feel like God has come back into my life. All I know is that friday morning I had my daily thought "Damn it, I'm alive." But it is now "Damn it, I hate mornings." (I don't think I will ever love getting up before the sun...) I hope this upswing, or down swing according to the OQ test, in my emotional health stays for a while. Maybe next year I'll be in the green zone of IQ test.

I am Left at the Sandy Ledge

I had a great visit with my sister Rebecca a couple weeks ago. Ever since then I haven't been able to recover. My physical state is adequate but my emotional mindset got out of control. I stopped working out, running and studying. I started to eat all I could and didn't enjoy it. However I needed something to fill the pit in my stomach. I would have moments where I would push my self to be productive but the longest lasting upswing was only one day. Most of them only lasted hours. Something she said bothered me. She told me that we all want to be the one, but we will never feel that way in this life. We will have glimpses of it but never achieve it completely. I assume those glimpses come from our relationships with others. Since none of us are perfect yet we can never fulfill that desire to by the one and only. I recognized the logic and felt the truth of that statement.

I'm guessing that she told me that because she knows my strong desire to a companion in this life and the obstacles that are preventing it. I'm sure wanted me to have a more realistic expectation in case I am blessed to marry and have a family. It helped initially, but it didn't at the same time. I didn't make any sense to me. I marriage is treated as the most important mortal relationship. There is so much I will miss not being able to have this kind of relationship. I won't have a consistant companion. Nor will I be able to have that sort of connection with anyone in this life. Why is this so important to me? There are many who struggle with similar situations but they seem to find happiness.

I realized I was in search for more than just becoming the one and only. I don't want to feel alone anymore. The truth is ever since my family and I moved to El Paso Texas I have almost always felt that I was alone. Even when I am with the people who love me most I often feel alone. I go to a University with overly friendly people, attend a church where kindness prevails. Live in an apartment where my roommates genuinely care.

Even though I have been honest with family where genuine love prevails, I still feel a disconnect. I always thought that loneliness would be lost as a relationship with my wife would grow. The connection would grow throughout our lives and into the next. The only relationship where this is possible is a marriage. I may have to wait until another life.

A marriage relationship also can bring out the much needed validation I seek. I have spent my life seeking for validation that my existence is worth the trouble. I try to treat others better than I treat myself, partly to seek the validation and I don't feel worthy of such treatment.

I realized my purpose in life was to be the best contributor to God's plan as I can. My purpose was to marry, be the best husband I could be. I was to have a family and be the best father possible. I was to teach and learn from my wife. I was to be able to have a significant relationship with someone who would help be more like Christ. I was to have children to direct the to be Christlike.

The reality is my purpose in life has seemingly impossible barriers to overcome in this life. So what is my purpose without a family? What is my plan? How will I find happiness and grow. How will I become more Christlike?

Could this be the reason I can't seem to find happiness? I have yet to experience a relationship that ends the loneliness. I have had and still have great friendships with family and those I consider family. However circumstances change and the friendships change with it. The temporary partial connection is lost and I have to start over with new relationships. Who or what do I live for? How is happiness for me to be achieved in this life? Unfortunately the answers are currently unknown.

3.33 Miles and A Little Chat

Distance: 3.33mi
Type: barefoot
Music: Libbie LInton/Tommy May
Speed: Kind of Slow - 8:20 minute/mi

So my run today was a little slow but that's ok. So during my run I thought about a few things. First I thought about the fact that I just got accepted to join a research team that is studying barefoot running! So naturally I was/am pumped to learn more about it. Find out how it affects the foot muscles and compare the five finger shoes to completely barefoot.

My thoughts turned to my relationship with my father. I came to a conclusion that might help me. I now that I am too sensitive to interaction with others. I also know that my dad is the opposite. That's what makes it difficult for us to have a good relationship. My dad needs to learn to be more sensitive, not only for my sake but for my mom. I need to learn to be less sensitive. I don't want rid my self of sensitivity of others but become less sensitive to others actions towards me. I think I have learned how to do this with most people. However I seem to fail at it with my father and a few others a lot like my father.

Then I talked with my brother Tommy for a little while. It was quick but nice. I like that I can talk on the phone while I run. We just talked about my new research opportunity and his research. It was good run.

My Runner's High Needs to Last Longer

So yesterday I was feeling so good. I had a great race, endorphins were flowing. Then I had a great meal from the best restaurant in Provo... La Jolla Groves. My Saturday was so good that Sunday had to be as well. But damn it I was wrong. I have got to figure out a way to level out these up and downs better.

I'm sure the cause of my high and lows are a due to where I put my worth. I only feel good when I feel good about myself. I only feel good about my self when I achieve something. Something external is the only way I know how to validate my self. I know that validation of my existence should come from a divine nature, but it doesn't. I was conditioned at an early age to only believe that my worth only came because of what I did or accomplished.

I know that exercise and good diet are a perfect way for me to control my mood. However it only works perfectly if I am perfect at it. I have too many unrealistic expectations with results. I am too extreme with it and can't keep it up. I need to figure out something, my life depends on it.

To Hell with Shoes!

So today I ran the Rex Lee 10k... barefoot. I was nervous because I had never run that far barefoot. My final time was 46:49. I listened to the playlist I titled "To Hell with Shoes." I felt it was appropriate. The playlist included some of my favorites from the Black Keys, Dashboard Confessional, Nelly, Jay-Z and others. I also included a few great catchy pop songs like "My life would suck with you," and "Stop and Stare." I know most runners say your not a real runner if you listen to music but I say nothing just give an unmistakable hand gesture. For me music is an important part of running, just like with any other aspect in my life. Music is my mentor, comfort, support and everything else I may lack.

I wanted to get 45 minutes but thought that was unrealistic. So I changed my goal to under an hour... or at least that's what I told people. My new goal only increased 5 minutes. I wanted to under 50. Good news... I did it. Of coarse I got frustrated with myself because I could have pushed harder. I am not sore now, nor did I through up after the race. So I could have done better. So now I am working on convincing myself that I should be proud of my time. I don't have the talent or running experience as most of the winners.

Next race... I don't know the only one I'm signed up for is the Utah Valley Marathon. However I will be doing the Freedom run. Maybe this time I will place in my division, but really I just hope to get top 10. I was only 2 spots away. Hopefully I will get a medal again like last year... it makes me feel like a winner.

My Language of Love

So my sister just left and is back with her family. Now I have the post family blues. Oh well... One of the chats we had was about the languages of love. I took the test just now and found out for me its quality time. That was no surprise to me. I really enjoyed my time with Rebecca. I tried new dishes she cooked, went skiing/snowboarding, played the bells on campus, went to the temple and other mormon activities. I didn't really care what we did as long as we were spending time together. I think the reason quality time is my language of love because I come from a big family. When I was first born I received so much one on one attention. I was the first boy of six girls! Then things had to change because I had to learn to do things for my self... like walk. My mom would spank my sisters if they picked me up. In a big family its hard to for a parent to give one on one time. So maybe thats why I developed this language. I guess it could be genetics too. Who knows but its nice to know. Now I need to try to understand other friends language of love so I can recognize when they express it and how I should express my love for them.