Back to Provo, Depression and Loneliness

So I just got back from California. Wow was it an adventure! I had a great time and am so glad to be home in Provo. We only took on fun day in San Fran, but I enjoyed everything (except knocking doors). I do have pictures and I'll put them up sometime. Any way I just wanted to note a couple of things. First it was so nice to have a friend to hang out with, even if it we were working the whole time. I know I have friends but they are all married so I don't get to spend as much time with them as I like. I guess I could be a pest and come over all the time, but no one likes that. It was so nice to get to know someone better and have great meaningful discussions. Even if I'm not so smart and experienced.
Second it was so nice to see my friend Jeff re-unite with his family. I could tell that he missed them a lot. When we pulled in to his drive way and his wife saw him she was so excited. His boys were just as excited to see him. I could tell that Jeff was a great father and husband, no matter what he thinks.
It was really nice to see that reunion. I want that in my life someday. A family that I can devote my life to. Whether I end up having the traditional family (i.e. father, mother, daughter and son) or a more nontraditional family (me and those I help in far away countries) I want that same unconditional love with someone I care for and about. But until that day when I feel like I can connect with others on a full time basis. I will continue to travel this road of life a lone. As for right now I'm going to watch south park to block the nociceptor of my emotional network.

I'm Just Gonna Take a Minute.

So I know I just blogged but I'm going to do it again. So I had a great discussion with my friend Jeff mostly about inner moral conflicts. I really enjoyed the discussion because I now understand him and know him more. By learning about him and his feelings and thoughts I was able to correct some of my thoughts and feelings. I know my logic is not perfect and I find many contradictions. So I always try to look for ways to make my logic more correct.
After discussing many topics with Jeff I have learned some good ways to correct my logic. I have learned a greater understanding of the south and its past and current situation. I feel much more comfortable with the confederate flag and most importantly I re learned that I need to broaden my understanding of others.
The best part of the discussion with Jeff is that I felt like I mattered and made a difference while talking to him. I never know if I'll ever come out of this depression, but its nice to hear someone still think you are worth it when you feel you aren't worth shit. I want to thank him for his friendship and hope that I will gain the courage soon. But if not and he reads this. Then I'd like to say "thank you, Jeff. You have helped me more than you realize. Your assistance seemed to b e involuntary because it didn't seem like you trying to help me. I felt like you were just being yourself. Thank you."
Every night I go to bed and wish death by morning. However, tonight I look forward to a morning where I will accomplish great things, be successful and do it all alive.

Emancipate Yourself from Mental Slavery!

So this week I ended up in California. To catch everyone up its raining a lot in Utah and therefore there is no work. So I was invited to go to Concord, California to wash windows. (they pronounce Concord like conquered) Jeff and I are staying at his in-laws house. They are so nice to let us stay here. It has been so wonderful. They are gourmet cooks and treat Jeff and I like royalty. They are great people, but I'm in a dilemma.
You see these people are pretty Conservative. As you may have guessed I am not. I am proud to be liberal. I want to just talk about my political views in the open but I tested the waters and they would get pretty bad if I let my views be known. So I'm going to release some of this right now here it goes:
I love Obama, I think our health care system primarily caters to the upper middle class and the rich. I think the Iraq war does not help the greater good. Everyone should recycle and treat our planet with more respect. We should be more worried about other than filling our fat asses with money and crappy foods. We need to empty our bellies and feed those in other countries who need food, not destroy their land and way of life. I believe that Love and Education are the only things that will rid us of hate. And yes I think that we need to study stem cell research and the abortion laws are great. I don't care if the legalize marijuana or gay marriage. No I don't think if we governed our country the way the founding fathers started. (Seriously that's why they didn't make the constitution so rigid). So to all you other liberals that are oppressed its OK. We are not just some unrealistic hippies that want to sing around the campfire. We know reality we see it every damn day of our lives but we know reality can be so much greater for so many other people. So long live Bob Marely ideals and Ghandi's principles. Most of all Praise Jesus for teaching us Love really does conquer all! (please excuse the cliche)

My Chemical Romance Changed its Status to Most Played on my iPod

So the past couple of days I have been listening to the album The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. I don't know why I didn't realize how awesome their music was. I have loved the song Welcome to the Black Parade, but I never really listened to many of the other songs. Wow! (I don't mean the sarcastic wow I am known for) So I never really understood how emo this band was. I am so used to listening to bands a lot more mellow. As I listened to the lyrics of songs like Mama and I Don't Love You. I realized that these guys are actually poetic. To someone who is repulsed by the "hardness" nature of the music would miss the meaning. I was analyzing one of the harder songs on the album and realized how well the music matched the lyrics. I love when the actual music speaks the same language as the lyrics. So its not that My Chemical Romance has received a thrown in my music library. I would recommend this album to everyone, but I realize not everyone is into this kind of Music. If you are a big fan of Tim Burton movies, like The Nightmare Before Christmas or That Bride Corpse movie I think you'll enjoy the dark art of The Black Parade. But since I know the majority of people who read this are my sisters. I can't imagine Si or Misty jamming out to a song that they would probably call heavy metal (so you know Misty and Si, it would be an insult to My Chemical Romance to call their music heavy metal, heavy metal is dead and should stay that way. ) My Chemical Romance please grace me more with your musical and lyrical poetry.

These Borrowed Words

Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always one reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the dayI need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be emptyAnd weightless and maybeI'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fearYou are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverieYou're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fearYou are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverieYou're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there You're in the arms of the Angel May you find some comfort here

My Mental Movie Theatre Only Plays Dramas

So I haven't had the best dreams in my life. I still have some of the same nightmares over again. However their is something that has always been in my dreams. First they are all in black, white and red. Also I die at the end of all of them. Not only would I die but I could sometimes feel the bullets or knife piercing my skin. This has been the pattern ever since I can remember. Most of the dreams didn't bother me for whatever reason. However the ones that keep coming back must have because I always remember them and always will. This pattern changed on my mission I started to dream in color. The color was weird at first. Kind of like when watch an old black and white movie that has been digitally enhanced with color. Then I stopped dying at the end of the dreams. My dreams continued to be weird however I stopped dying and saw other colors than black, white, and red.
About a one and half years ago my dreams started to be so emotionally draining that I never slept well at night. My dreams were so frustrating for me that when I woke in the morning I would be depressed and frustrated. Luckily my nightmares are not so frequent anymore.
Now I have gone back to old ways. Color has left my sleep and only see different shades of gray. I don't always die in my dreams anymore. When I do die in my dreams it isn't another person who does the killing, its me.
Maybe it was me all along killing myself. Who knows. What I do know is I have to keep my dreams as dreams and not let them become reality. That is a daunting task.

Cliches Have an Inverse Relationship with Personality

So I know that it has been forever since I have blogged, but not too many people read it any way. So today I want to talk about cliches. People who know me know I hate cliches, even though I do use them at times. In fact me stating my hatred for cliches is probably a cliche its self. This hatred seems to be non-existent at times but I assure you that it is always there. Some things provoke this hatred and create frustration with in me.
Today the event that brought this hatred from depths of my prefrontal cortex to my hippocampus was because of Church. Church is where cliches seem to bother me the most. Although I heard cliche after cliche, I did enjoy the meeting.
The problem with cliches in this case is that they are phrases used to represent an emotion associated with a belief. The problem with such phrases in not the intent, it is that the phrase looses its impact the more it is used. When someone bears their heart to me using too many cliche phrases it feels like that person isn't really bearing their heart. Although the person maybe betraying their true feelings, the emotional impact of the their words become empty.
In the church cliches seem to be so prevalent and have some theories as to why. I think that that the church has adopted the a social normality that seemed to be prevalent during the height of the cold war. During the cold war the worst name you could call another wasn't a bitch, fag, or bastard. In fact it was the c word, a communist. Many Americans were accused of being communists just by being different. Fear entered the hearts of many Americans and so Americans became more and more similar. In the church many are called in active, less active, or apostate for being different. Those names or implications have similar effects on members of the church. A good example is a member's attire during a service. If a man has any of the following some may question his testimony in the gospel: long, trendy, or facial hair, or color on his shirt. For women people question her loyalty to the gospel because she is dresses trendy. The trend that is not accepted in our chapel is for women to where pant suits. Looking different than others provoke thoughts and feelings that the person's testimony may not be genuine. So just like in cold war days members of the church become less and less original. So cliche phrases enter the Mormon culture.
This push to be the same has everyone else has been in existence ever since the first human walked the earth and does have its place. I guess I just hate when people leave their individuality out when expressing emtions. So when I hear someone using overused phrases I have a hard time connecting with that person even though I may be able to connect to emotion or belief being betrayed. I only see the emotion not the person with the emotion. Individuality is so important otherwise God wouldn't have made us so different.
Even though I hate cliches like that stupid heart shape. Seriously a heart doesn't look like some person's ass or a women's chest. It looks so much cooler than that. Any way as I was saying, even though I hate cliches I understand why they are here and try not to judge other's based on their use of cliches but please everyone bring your individuality. I want to connect with you not relate to a cliche.