Old Friendship

So today may have started really horrible. I woke up so upset after bad dreams and going to bed upset. I ended the day great. Lane came over and hung out with me. It was so nice. I'm sure that he was kinda board listening to me. It was nice to have a friend again. My contact with people is usually because of school, work or church. I don't think he knows how much it meant to me for him to just hang out with me. I miss friendship of others. I have been doing everything by myself lately so its nice to do it with a friend. Its like JD said "People aren't meant to be a lone."

Wow! Did I really just Blog about nothing?

So what should I blog about today. I think I'll write about what I did today. I didn't do too much unfortunately. I spent most of my time getting my apartment back to a healthy enviornment. I went to class and it was so hard to stay awake but I knew I just had to go. My religion class was cancelled that was the best blessing of the day. Then my study partner cancelled that was great too. Why? It is not because I don't like to study with her or anything like that. I was so tired and not meeting up with her allowed me to take a really long needed nap. So I took my nap and it was great. I didn't get the recycling to the plant but its in my car. Wow this is boring. Something a little more exciting is that I went grocery shopping and fit 115 dollars worth of grocerys in three of those reusable bags. You might be thinking that just made some expensive purchases and I did make a few (like the meat and new pantine shampoo and conditioner). The thing is the meat and hair products were only 30 dollars of the bill. There was a really good deal on chicken 1.69 a pound so I got like three things of packaged chicken.

I did watch 24 and it was great. Unfortunately I was cooking at the same time. I was so behind schedule today. So I wasn't able to intently watch but I know it was good. Jack saved the presidents life and many others once again. He is again been framed for a murder and is on the run to try to find the people behind it. The sad news from 24 is that one of the best characters martyred himself to save the people being held hostage in the white house. This character will always be numbered one of the greats. His name was Bill... Bill Buchanan. I loved Bill. I will miss him on the show.

Well Sorry this was so long and boring. I'm really tired I think I am going to go to bed. I need some sleep.

5 year old vs. 23 year old

So I went to vegas this weekend and came home to a mess. It's frustrating because my roommate(s) seem to be incapable of taking care of things. Why do I have to be the one cleans the apartment. Why am I the one to always clean the bathroom. Why is it that my nephews and neices are cleaner than my roommate(s). Its sad when a five year old does a better job of cleaning up after himself than a 23 year old. I could be just too tired to think rationally, but I don't care. Stop being so irresponsible and clean up after yourself.

Don't give me that fake S***!

So I am watching the real world. Judge me if you want I don't care I love this show. So in this episode its about one of my issues of living with other people. Can you guess it... cleanliness. Well in this situation its the guys who are the clean ones not the girls. So there is one girl, Sarah who is so fake! I feel bad for her because I think she is a nice person who is really trying to a good person. However I think she is very insecure so she changes her story all time. Its all good in the beginning but eventually people start to see the contradictions. In this episode they start to see through the her fakeness. I have a room mate just like that. He contradicts himself all the time. Its really frustrating. I think he does just to be liked but if he was just himself people would like him. He needs to stop lying and just be confident in his background and personality. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

My Deligent Nerves

Nerve endings oh nerve endings.
I know what you are up to.
Shooting electrical signals from my shoulder
I try to bring you to a halt by freezing you with an ice pack
I try to stop you by blocking the acetylcholine
that triggers the current
which flows up to my right hemisphere
But you don't grant my wishes
Why nerve endings
do you torment me with your signals
Shouting and shouting
Its OK I understand your message
I understand you my nerve endings
There is no need to shout anymore.

A poem inspired by this annoying pain in my left shoulder and Stewie Griffin.

Obama's Talks about the Budget!

So I really liked this weeks presidential address. I loved that President Obama recognized the shift our country has made these past year. The rich started to gain too much power. America is about providing an equal environment for everyone to prosper. I also loved how President Obama called out the insurance companies, the banks, the oil companies, etc. We have the right president for the job!

Maybe Someone Should Take My Belt and Shoelaces Away

So I should be sleeping right now I am so tired but my mind just started going again. So I decided to blog. Tonight isn't one of my good nights. It wasn't a horrible day, I just was seemed to be depressed and lonely. I think the loneliness got me depressed. I think that the loneliness came because I was searching for housing in the fall. I want to live with my friend Lane, but find it hard to give up what I have here. I think of sharing a room with another person and it stresses me out. Then I think of moving all my stuff it stresses me out more. I really want to live with a friend but I don't know if I can handle living in the ghetto again. Living here in this nice place has really helped me feel better because the condo feels more like a home. I think that living in a really crappy apartment would be fine if I was married. Coming home to a family would make it home, it wouldn't matter what the place looked like.

I don't really have anyone to blame but myself for my loneliness. I have become a hermit. I try to get out there and be social but its just too much energy for me. I have really tried to make friends but I know that I come off as very friendly these days. I am just so shy and insecure. I have reverted back to the days when I was in middle school. I have become more accepting of my lack of social life, but its not easy to live like this. Times like this I just want to bleed out the pain.

It pains me to think of who I once was. I was outgoing, skinny, active and dated. Now I can barely keep a conversation going with my current friends let a lone new people. I try to find refuge in something. I invite my friends that I do over but most of them are married and they don't have the time hang out with me. Then those that aren't married usually want to go do something somewhere else. I become uncomfortable so quickly when I am out of my house.

These are times where I wish I didn't know any better and I could just experience some euphoria again, even if was falsely induced. The closest thing I have is music. I listen and pretty much 24/7, but sometimes it just isn't enough.

So this is going to be hard to read so if you don't want to go on don't. This is why I blog so I can express myself not matter how disturbing, vulgar, or wrong. That was your disclaimer.

I just think of how great it would feel to watch my veins empty and realize it was almost over. Or I think of breathing in the carbon monoxide and realizing its preventing my organs from receiving oxygen and I would wake up in new world. The stress of living in this world would be over. I can't say for sure that the hurt and pain will all be gone but I would be that much closer to being happy.

I realize I can't do that to my family and especially my mom. She has done so much for me, I have to keep myself alive for her. So then I want to at least cause some sort of physical pain so that I could be distracted from the mental and emotional pain. Or a few shots so I could black out and not remember a part of my life. Maybe a shot in my arm to to send me to a place that doesn't exist.

I'm not looking for people to tell me "don't do it" "its not worth it" or "it won't help." I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell my that they love me. I'm not looking for someone to console me. I'm looking to be heard. I just want to be heard. I just have a hard time talking to people about my true feelings. I never really did that most of my life. Its easier because I'm not sitting face to face or on the phone or something like that. That is why I started this blog. I want people to know that I am in pain.