The Mark

You Set Up Your Place in My Thoughts, Moved in and Made My Thinking Crowded.

2012-02-08T22:31:00.003-07:00

Tonight I'm a little depressed, but not the debilitating kind I'm used to. Last week was pretty shitty. I let Kendall film me while I was suicidal. Scary, not only did Kendall see me at one of the most vulnerable situations in my life, it is likely going to be many. I express some things that I have only said out loud three times in my life. The first time was during that intense panic attack in group, the second speaking with my sister. I'm afraid of the reaction of a particular few who witness it.

When I share words that express my true emotion to other people, the emotions become much more real. When I just tell myself these things I can reason the emotion away or simply ignore it. The following days became increasingly painful and unbearable. I had fight with the person who has been my biggest support. It wasn't an argument, but we were frustrated with each other. I stonewalled for a few days. I felt so alone, I moved up my "due" date to March 1.

Then there was the Provo Peace Forum. When I saw how dedicated Dr. Bradshaw was to his son, I cried. I wish I could feel that from my father. Dr. Bradshaw is dedicating an enormous amount of energy to educate, research, bring understanding to others who don't understand me and my fellow homosexuals. I just don't understand why I don't get to be the receiver of that love from a father.

Because I feel so much like a fuck up, I am terrified of loosing my family. I feel some of them slipping away just because of the gay thing. I have been trying to make up for being gay, but feel like I am failing at it. The pressure to perform is increasing and my ultimate failure becoming evident.

I needed a distraction, Hulu wasn't working. Exercise wasn't enough. I knew of two ways that would help. This first being drinking, but that would mean breaking the most important rule. The risk of severe complications would not be worth it. So that left me with eating. I gorged myself, I ate until I was sick. Once I didn't feel sick I would eat more.

Things started to turn around after visiting with a good friend. She gave me a lot to think about. She said things I need to hear. I've been told the exact things she said, but this time I think I was ready for it. Due to listening to a Mormon Stories podcast with Kendall, a million questions came to mind while listening. A letter from sister that was a bit harsh but full of love added to the flood of counsel and philosophies.

The combination of the pain, disappointment, binge eating, fighting, expressing, listening, hearing, contemplating and most importantly questioning has created a beautiful storm. When I say beautiful I mean it in the way that Matt Damon and Ryan Gosling are beautiful. When I say storm I mean a storm, caos, damage and possibly fire. It feels like the kind of storm that will bring peace at the end. I hope so, I really feel like I am on the verge of breakthrough that will push my life toward happiness. Time will tell.

Title: Song-Mystery Artist-Indigo Girls

My Arms are Crossed, My Hope is Lost

2012-02-06T08:10:00.001-07:00

I just finished the movie 50/50. It was pretty good, a little sad, but ended positive. In this movie the main character gets a rare form of cancer at 27. While he is suffering, his girlfriend cheats on him, his mom is overbearing, and best friend is trying to handle the situation but struggles. His therapist wasn't much help. He worked at appeasing his friend, he broke up with his girlfriend and ignored his persistent mother.

At one point as the movie was building up to the climax the main character, Adam, said that he just wanted it to be over. Not necessarily life but the sickness. If death was the only way out then that was worth it. I have meet people in similar situations. It is not common to hear about people who suffering from a sickness. It is not easy to go through something that might end your life, especially when you want to continue living.

I relate to Adam in the sense that I just want it to be over. I don't care how, just when. My energy is drained. The unknown of the future keeps me up at night. It is not if I'm going to live, its who's going to be in my life. I'm not sure that many of the people who want to be will choose to be. I've been told for the third time that I am not suitable to be around someone's child.

There are people who say that they will love me no matter what. What does that love look like? I have friends that love me but won't let me be around their children. My father tells me he loves me, but treats as a lesser being. He has told me he loves me but he held a screwdriver to my face because I didn't close my door at night. He has punched me in the face, given me welts, hung me from a door nob. Is that what love looks like?

I am tired of being the source of pain, worry and stress. I'm tired of this "sickness." I wish I could take upon someone else's sickness, someone who could do more with their lives. It's like what that EMT told me once, that I am wasting my life. His wife is fighting cancer and I am waisting my life. I really wish I could do better, be better. It needs to end soon.

Title: Song-I am a Stone Artist-Libbie Linton

If You Just Hold in Your Breath Till You Thought it Through You Foolish Child.

2012-02-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

Last night there was a forum put on by the Provo peace forum about homosexuality and the church. A question was asked about how our straight allies can help make the church experience more comfortable for us gays. I didn't answer partly because a ton of people wanted to answer, but mostly I was not in an emotional state to be able to be the center of attention. I still want to answer it though, to the best of my ability.

First being trying to put yourself in a gay person's shoes. That might help you understand what comments and actions hurt. Generating empathy within yourselves in any situations makes it harder to judge others. In turn helps us to think more about what we say about others or a group of people.

To be more specific please refrain from comparing homosexuality to any other situation. I am defining situation as a sin, trial, complication, struggle, etc. It leaves too much room for hurt on our behalf. Even the ones like single sisters are asked to remain celibate so we should too. I understand that it might seem like a fair comparison and it wasn't meant to hurt. The truth is its painful for me in the right context. To me it shows the a lack of understanding. The important difference is hope, a single sister can always have hope that it can happen. A gay man like myself doesn't have such hope because it is forbidden. If you must compare us to another situation please also contrast by pointing out the differences.

My pain is partially self inflicted. By self inflicted I mean its in my head most of the time. I am extra sensitive to other people. I sometimes read too much into what a person says, how they say it, and what their actions are expressing. It could be because of the church, my father, peers or many other variables that have contributed to my toxic shame. I need my space from potential situations that cause me pain. That is why I have chosen to not wear my garments, I have chosen to only attend sacrament, remove myself from BYU housing and more.

I am not trying to change some else's stance on homosexuality in a moral sense. However I do want to change a person's stance politically. I want to change the way person views and treats those of us who do not fit into the church's model, whether the person in question wants to fit or not.

Maybe its offensive to say that I want to change another person but relax I can't. I don't know of a person who can. Its up to the individual to make the changes. I can help facilitate the change, but ultimately it is up to the individual.

Song: Genius Next Door-Regina Spektor

The Emptiness in this Soft Light

2012-02-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

I learned along time ago that keeping painful secrets feed loneliness. I kept secrets my whole life to keep the perfect son facade legitimate. Obviously the big secret was that I am gay. However there were other big ones, I was lonely, depressed, hurt, and I hated myself.

Everyone would talk about how much energy I had. Even while I was seeing a therapist 3 times a week my roommates girlfriend thought I had such an incredible love for life. That is how I wanted people to know me, as a happy person who loved life.

A person who loves life is someone right with God. If someone knew I was unhappy they might find out that I was really a spun of satan because of my sexual affinity for men. Being gay is not what makes up a perfect son. I need to be a perfect son so I could be validated.

Other's knowing who I am would prevent myself from feeling my existence was justified. I was struggling just to keep up with the demands that were expected of me to prove my worthiness. Being open about my sexuality would drastically decrease the odds of achieving my goal.

So this facade created a loneliness that is deep. I don't quite understand it. I can be with a group of people who have expressed love for me but still feel alone and unknown. Maybe what I'm feeling is not properly labeled as loneliness. I think it is a combination of loneliness and worthlessness. I feel worthless so I isolate myself, then I feel lonely. My loneliness testifies of my unworthiness thus creating a vortex that is bound to carry a person to an emotional hell. Its that vortex that makes life so difficult, I can't seem to get out.

It's Just That its Delicate

2012-01-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

I've heard the story over and over. You were being set apart to be in Boy Scouts at church. You were told if you were faithful then you would be given a son. After six girls, I was born. No one at home believed that I was a boy. Mom had given up on having a boy and she had all the old girls clothes ready for me.

I imagine that you were so happy that you finally got what you wanted. I was a gift from God, an answer to your prayers. I don't know what its like to have a child or to wait for a son after so many girls. My imagination leads me to believe that it might have been one of your favorite moments. My presence meant that God was pleased with your service. That he wanted you to have me, he trusted you.

So when did I become not good enough. What is it about me that made you so angry? What could I have done differently? Was I too sensitive? Not boy enough for you? I honestly tried to make you proud. I worked hard to do things that would please you.

I knew you loved the church and very dedicated to it. I dedicated myself to the church in spite of the pain it caused me. I choose serving you as opposed to following what ever inclination I had. I've tried to reach out to you time and time again. I am left hurt.

Tommy came along and his existence seemed to be enough for you. You choose him over me many times over. Now Tommy is married, has a child. He is fulfilling your dreams for your family. I see how proud you are of him. I listen to the non verbal words you express when you speak of him. I see your eyes light up when you talk about your daughter in law. I can imagine what it'll be like when you come for my graduation and interact with Zach.

Tommy is the one you expected when God promised you a son. I know when you envisioned your future son that he would at the very least be straight. I tried to be. I wish I could. Maybe then when you speak of me your eyes would light up. I could give you a daughter in law and grandchildren. I have failed.

Sometimes Scars are Tracks

2012-01-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm thinking about a time when I took an ambulance ride to the hospital for a suicide attempt. While we were riding to the hospital and one of the EMTs was yelling at me. This man was yelling at me for attempting to take my life while his wife was fighting for hers. His wife had cancer and was afraid she wouldn't make it.

Immediately guilt came over me. I felt so bad for his wife. She had a husband who obviously cared for her, probably some children. I think he mentioned children but I don't remember everything that night. Any way, I remember thinking I wish that I could give her my life, as if time on earth was a tangible commodity. I wanted to explain myself to him, but just didn't have the energy. I felt like shit. I hated myself and didn't have the energy to fight with this EMT.

This man didn't understand the pain I was going through. He just added to it. I hated myself and wanted it over. This EMT just added to my pain. I wish I could have some words with this man. I want to know what the hell he was thinking. Why did he feel it was necessary to talk to me that way while in such a vulnerable state? I still feel like shit because of the things this man said. I hope that this was a some sort of tactic to see what state I was in, like when my first psychiatrist attacked my mother.

If by some one in a million chance this EMT reads this and know that it was him. Thanks for adding to the mountain of guilt in my life. I appreciate it really in the most sarcastic way possible. I still feel large amounts of guilt. Even though no matter what I would have done I wouldn't have been able to take your wife's cancer away. In my twisted fucked up mind I feel like if I kill myself, I also kill your wife. I didn't have enough reasons to feel like I was worthless.

Just a Sad Song With Nothing to Say

2012-01-20T11:38:00.000-07:00

Whats going on in my life, nothing and everything at the same time. While that is contradictory nothing is going on because I don't really do anything, but in my frontal lobe everything is happening. I was initially feeling a lot better after graduating and being done with the tyranny of BYU. Not having a job is not helpful to my emotional wellbeing.

I'll start with the nothing. I don't have a job, I don't have school, and I don't have a social life. I am searching for a job and admittedly not hard enough. My insecurities and fear are feeding the anxiety. So I watch dumb stuff online and go to the gym. My social life... huff. Well I can only be mad at my self for being so fucking shy! I could blame it on the fact that my social life always revolved around school and church and now I don't have that. However, I still have USGA and when I go I freeze up and want to be left into a corner and just listen. I barely made it last night. There are people who have reached out and tried to get me to break out my shell. They invite me to do things, talk to me, engage me at a party when I'm completely silent. I tried but for whatever reason I can't seem to relax. So here's my apology to them. Out of privacy I will re-frian from using your names, but sorry I'm borring as hell. Maybe one day when I gain a little more confidence I can be fun again. You guys are great. I understand know wants to be around the boring, sad man.

As for everything, I got into a little bit. I hate myself, I don't understand how people get past the guilt and the shame. I hear stories over and over again about people who say the just let it go. DAMN IT! How they hell did you do that? I want to so bad. I look at other gay guys and they look good. They have these nice bodies, great smiles, etc. I know I look great for where I have been, but I am flabby. I'm probably being too superficial, but I am attracted to a guy who is muscular. I love big biceps, I love abs, I love good chest. So I need to be the person I want to date. But I can't seem to control this binging. I just want to eat and eat all the time. I need to get back to meeting with a therapist, maybe group again, and I need to take social risks. To my past therapist who might be reading this you are just going to get over my language of "I need, " but to please you enjoy the next dialogue.

It would be nice to be able to go to USGA and be sociable. I would prefer to go to a party and be good company. I can't do any more of this non definitive language.

So to conclude on a positive note. Today I hope to get to some things accomplished. I would like to call those numbers I was given to ensure that I can continue on the Wellbutrin and get a new counselor. I hope to get a good work out in. Get my marker board make a plan and pound that pavement in search of a job. If any of you feel the need to text this lonely sad sack, feel free. I'm probably at the gym or catching up on last night comedy line up.

The Gay Rights Movement

2012-01-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

This is so good.

She's Gonna Set Me Free

2012-01-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

The old "would you take the straight pill?' question came up tonight. Of course a person's answered as you'd expect... "no." The reasons were also the same cliches I've heard before (not that they weren't genuine). If I was to answer I would say "hell yes!" Why wouldn't I? There are so many complications and struggles in life to force growth. Why make life more complicated than it is. If I was going through dialysis because my kidneys weren't functioning, I'd want to simplify my life with a new kidney. I can still live by having an external machine perform as a kidney, but if there was an option to make my life easier I'd take it.

Think of all the complications that would absolve due to becoming straight. For me that would be one less thing for me to feel guilty about. One less thing that would disappoint my parents and other loved ones. One less thing for my Dad to hate for. I could marry a woman honestly and make my father proud by giving him another daughter in law. I could have children in the traditional way. I have a million things to feel guilty for, so many other ways I've disappointed my parents. So yes, I'd swallow that pill. The guilt or better defined the toxic shame being alleviated is enough.

Many talk of how they have rid themselves of the guilt for disappointing their parents or anyone due to their sexuality. The process is never really defined. It appears that its a magical event that happens unexpectedly and seemingly by chance. I can't believe that, I just don't have the patients to wait for an unexpected exoneration of the guilt. There must be a process to which I can find worth in my existence.

I have been working hard to rid my self of the burden of self hatred. I was unsuccessful at harnessing the shame to a managing level while at BYU. Now I have to start over with a new therapist. I will have to give the background. I will need to test the reliability of this new therapist. I don't want to do that agian, but my situation is deteriorating. I have too much time on my hands and consequently my mind wonders about life. My mind wondering rarely ends in positive emotion.

I am tired of guilt, pain, and loneliness. I'm tired not feeling worth of another's kindness. I'm tired of praying to ask God to kill me. I hate that many times when I begin my personal prayer during the administration of the sacrament, I am begging God to end my pitiful existence. I am tired of working hard to be at least marginally worth of the love of others. I am replaceable and probably should be.

I got to get me outta here

2012-01-07T01:01:00.000-07:00

I should have written this hours after the fact, but too bad. Its over. If you look at the description you can see that I made some minor, but significant changes. I am no longer a student of BYU. It's about damn time.
Reflecting on my experience I can divide my BYU experience in 3 distinct segments. The first being my freshman year. It was a time where I learned how to live on my own. I had a rude awakening, as most freshman do. We all were the smart ones, but now the smart ones are competing for that title. Then post mission, those were the good times. I was still very deep in the closet and successfully keeping my self hatred at bay. Then there was the depression segment. This obviously was the worst. I was on a journey of self discovery. I had never allowed my self to truly feel the trauma I had experienced growing up. Most importantly I finally stopped lying to myself and quit dating girls.
I love BYU, but I also hate it. I gained some of the best friends I have ever had. I had many new experiences. It's like we are told in the scriptures, that since there is good there must be evil. I certainly had "evil" times. When I say evil I mean bad.
Its over and its scary, but I need to move on.

I'm bound to fall for you

2011-12-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

I thought since that past few posts were serious I thought I'd do one that was more fun. I was discussing with a friend what celebrities I was were gay, so I can make out with them (not that I'd have a chance). We discussed for a while and then I decided on my top ten.

10. Adam Lavine: The Lead singer of Maroon 5, not necessarily my favorite band but not a band one. I love his tattoos and I love that he's a musician. He is one good looking dude.

9. Tatum Channing: I do not like him as an actor and most of the movies he is in are stupid. However they are worth seeing just because he is so damn beautiful.

8. Craig David: Probably my favorite R&B singer. A lot of people don't know him, he is more popular in the UK where he is from. But if you remember the song "7 Days" from a while back, that was him.

7. Will Arnett: Some maybe surprised he is on the list. However I think some of you know how much I like him. He is super funny and not too bad on the eyes. The good news he at least is part of the best celebrity couple ever to exist.

6. George Clooney: He's old yes, however he is super good looking. I also love almost all the movies he is in. I can't say that he is the most amazing actor ever, however he is good at choosing them.

5. Chris Carrabba: Hello he is super good looking, has great tattoos, and is the lead singer of my favorite band. Obviously he is on my list.

4. Ryan Reynolds: Damn... enough said. But I'm not convinced he is not gay.

3. James Franco: He has that bad ass pretty boy thing that James Dean had.

2. Ryan Gosling: I don't know what it is about Ryan Gosling, but something about him has me attracted to his soul as well. He is one good looking dude

1. Matt Damon: Surprise! I want to make out with Jason Bourne. I think this was the no brainer number one. I think almost every guy wants to be Jason Bourne, I do. However I'd settle with just making out with him.

So that is my list, Anderson Cooper would be on it but he's already gay. I thought he'd be worth mentioning though. I do hold the right to change my mind though. However, I doubt I would change my number one spot... its Jason Bourne.

Now I'm dealing with the way that it is.

2011-12-07T15:42:00.006-07:00

This is part of a message I sent to an old friend. I have edited some more, because if you know me you know I suck at grammer and am good at confusing sentences. Its like many teachers have said to my parents, "Mark is smart, he just needs to slow down." Then proceeding to illustrate how my speed has increased my mistakes. Any way I also ramble, I am a May.

Me and the Church. Well I have and always will have a testimony of Christ and his role in our lives. My relationship with the church started changing on the mision when I found out blacks couldn't have the priesthood. Before that I never really questioned much. On my mission I just put that on the back burner. When I got home I meditated on it for a long time. It was really hard for me to accept. Then I came to the conclusion that the church has policies and doctrine. A lot of things were and are influenced by society. As much as that sounds bad to many of my friends. Brigham Young was racist, he let his misconceptions about a race influence who was granted the full blessings of the gospel. It did not change any individuals chance for achieving their mortal purpose.

That got me questioning everything in the church that seemed to be contradictory. My mind has changed the purpose of the temple and its covenants, or all covenants for that matter. The history of polygamy, modesty, guidelines and even the church's role in our salvation.

As far as me and the church currently. I don't fit into its current version. God gave me direction and told me what I should do. He has lead me to people who have helped me understand my sexuality, my shame and the complications. I am still learning. I am still constantly paying attention to the guidance of God.

Logically and spiritually I have come a long way. My emotion has a long way to catch up. Like I said in my latest post, the church is a major shame enforcer in my life. Once I finally graduate, I am unsure if I will continue to go to church. I have stayed true to my covenants in the temple. Although, there are specific things I've changed because it is a constant reminder of how inferior to others I feel. I still enjoy my book of mormon studies and prayer. Those two daily activities are more important than ever for me. Especially the praying. The church does not fulfill its purpose in my life, at least in its traditional practice. Believe me I've tried to change myself, my cognition towards church, and had many discussions with bishops and stake presidents.

I'll have to admit I am deeply hurt by the church. I have put my heart and soul into it. I have worked with ecclesiastical leaders. Something always seemed wrong, I always felt wrong. It has nothing to do with my testimony of the Book of Mormon or the restoration. I was uneasy about the answers about my role in the church being an abstenant single man. I accepted that for a couple of years, it was a progression from "I will fix my 'sexual brokenness.'" I tried to fix it believe me. The church has failed me, because it has been put in the hands of imperfect souls. However God has not, I owe my allegiance to him.

My mind went from seeing in black and white and started seeing color. Life is much better that way, at least for me. Its easier for me to cope with my imperfections. I am starting to see things as variety, as opposed to rigid limited definitions. This new color vision helps me understand how I could end this stagnent spirituality. I have grown more spiritually in a week of this pain than I have my entire mission.

I realize this is abstract and may sound like the mumblings of a man apostatizing. I know what this sounds like. However it is like you said I need to concern myself with what God thinks. I answer to him. I have to be abstract with my thinking, I disqualify as the church's ideal.

As for the Mark May that you knew, I am that person still. I am just a more complete version. I am not pushing away from my testimony. I am strengthening it. I have learned much more compassion, patience, and understanding. I have become less judgmental and excluding. I used to judge people harshly that didn't finish college in the 4-5 year time span (excluding a mission). It is now over 10 years since I graduated high school (although, I did take a significant amount of time off, excluding my mission). God really put me in my place there.

***If you know what song this post's title is from I will be super impressed. Also if you haven't noticed yet my titles are lyrics to various songs. So if you don't know the song google the line and maybe you'll find a new song or even artist to love.***

I love the way you lie

2011-12-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago at a group therapy session I had a horrific panic attack. It was painful and my embarrassment was fuel. Its amazing how long I have been trying to fix myself. Trying to find a way to be happy, a way to be useful in this society. It has been a long road. Maybe road is not a word for it. The word road brings to mind a nicely paved part of the earth that help us travel. The word makes it seem more like its an aid in life. This journey for me feels more like I am in a jungle that combines all the various dangers and complications any jungle can bring. I have been fighting my way through. I feel like I am going in circles. I try to trust others when they say that they've seen progress.

I see progress, but its negated by my perfectionist mind. I convince myself that my progress isn't progress just luck of circumstance. I can no longer deny that I am not fat anymore. However I still view myself as chubby. I can no longer deny that I am not fit, but I feel like I should be more capable. I can not deny that I have people who love me, who care, who want me to be happy and pray for my success, but I feel unworthy of it.

I think this is the root of my problem. The shame I feel for existing, for using resources that are better suited for someone who isn't a lost cause. Society would benefit from someones else's recovery. My self hatred was passed on from my father and reenforced through my interactions with my family, church, schools, and peers. Until a couple years I came home from my mission I was successful at hiding my inner self. As with most people, a lack of authenticity can't last a life time. As I have been fighting my way through the jungle my life has been hell.

The jungle can symbolically represent many things in my life. It can be the facade I nourished and grew through out my life. Now that I can no longer sustain my life in that manner, I must journey to a more open and authentic self. Being my authentic self can help me to gain confidence in myself, teach me that my existence has value.

The jungle could also be the shame I have developed. Shame is not necessarily a bad thing, but the shame I experience is toxic. I have to get through the shame, adress it, and push through it. I can no longer sit and wait for someone to rescue me from it. I am lost in it and desperately want out. It has caused and continues to cause pain, hunger, and ensures loneliness. Leaving the shame behind will help me to build a sense of self. I can gain confidence in not that I am an amazing person, but gain confidence that I have value and can contribute in this society despite my flaws.

The jungle could also an obstacle in my life that have to push through. It will make me stronger, more wise, more compassionate. This trial can help me achieve my purpose in life, to gain Christlike attributes and improve my soul. Ending this trial can bring happiness. Happiness is always at its greatest directly after a depressive experience. This depressive experience has lasted years, the pain that was hidden for so long has become undeniable. The pain has been debilitating and loosing it will enable me.

I could go on with the symbolism of my life trying to get through this jungle, but its getting way too cliche for comfort. The point of this is my life is shitty. I hate myself. I want to change and am struggling to find the mechanism that will bring the desired result... my happiness.

I have made some big changes due to in part of my panic attack in group. That panic attack forced me to realize that I have not been as authentic as I thought and that I am still extremely guarded. I also realized the role of the church in my life. As much as I love the church, I love many of its teachings and how it has helped me to develop my core beliefs, I realized that it is a major enforcer of my shame. Just like I need my space from my father, another major shame re enforcer, I need my space from the church. I knew that I needed that space a while ago, however the space is not large enough. So I have made some changes that were a daily reminder of my shame and have deadly toxicity.

These changes have hurt someone dear to me and when some others learn of this change it will likely hurt them as well. Its hard for some to understand my decisions, I want so desperately to convince them that I am in the right for validation my decision. However, I need to start trusting myself. I need build confidence in my decision making and stop relying on others validation.

I want to make my friends and family proud by conquering this debilitating factor of my life. I will continue to refer to the words that suggest the temporary nature of this self hatred. That I will be free of this burden. I am told that one day I will look back and realize that it works out in the end. One day I hope to be the support to someone who feel the way I do and confidently believe the words "It gets better."

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

2011-11-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

I love this.

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first.

2011-11-19T12:25:00.011-07:00

Yes I agree, this is not discuss the church's stance. It is here to give accountability to Daily Universe for what they publish. That being said I'm not going to discuss the moral do's and don'ts of homosexuality. None of us are in any position to judge others, we as "moral" society struggle with this. Homosexuality is one of the many subjects that seems to bring the judgment out. I would also go as far as to say that it brings out more judgment than many aspects of a person, but I am likely heavily biased.

This judgment has often been expressed in hateful ways, such as the most recent letter to the editor. Homosexuality is highly correlated with heightened levels of shame (this may just be anecdotal). Heightened levels of shame can lead to self harm in all of there forms. Although we are not accountable for other's actions, we are accountable for our actions and how they may have affected others (to a point).

As a "Christian" university this in an area in which we need improvement. The improvements that would have the most effect would be in the administration and maybe even some of the faculty. Obviously there are students who are hatefully judging us, the administration is making a very difficult for students use education on this matter as a source. There is a group on campus that they refuse to recognize that was founded as way to help educate people who misunderstand homosexuality. Rather than helping the BYU LGBQT feel comfortable and accepted as human beings, the administration as chosen to deny a health dialogue.

Yes shame on DU for publishing this letter, this letter can never be unprinted. Those words can never be taken back. Those words can give a person enough energy to the self hated individual to end his or her life. So to help promote tolerance and acceptance of people, our straight allies can be our voices to the administration. They seem to become increasingly unresponsive to the LGTBQ population. I think we all can be more understanding of each other's differences, my self included. It always come back to the principle of Charity, of which Christ is our best example. I hope as a community of intellectually gifted individuals we can use our cognitive powers to promote Christ's principles.

This was a comment I posted on the ShameOnYouDU Facebook page that was created in response to a letter that was published in the Daily Universe.

The Person Underneath Where Does He Go?

2011-11-07T21:34:00.002-07:00

I hate feeling like my integrity is questionable. People not knowing that I am gay makes me feel like I am lying to people. I wanted to find a way to let people know with out having the conversation. So I got a rainbow friendship bracelet. I had to order it online because I have no idea of where to buy it in a store out here. I received it friday and started wearing it immediately, but I didn't go anywhere that night. Saturday I wore it most of the day, but I has some difficulties with the knot. Sunday I wore it all day... even at church and today was the first day that I wore it at school.

Although for many this wouldn't a feat. For me it was a big deal, I worry about a lot of ramifications. Worst case scenario people would rise up against me and I'd get kicked out with only a month left. Worst case realistic scenario people would say hateful things. Most likely scenario people will see it some will judge, some will think "that makes sense," some may be shocked and others won't even care. I am also weary of being stereotyped. If you know me you know I hate stereotypes, even though they are unavoidable. There are countless rational and irrational fears and anxieties associated with wearing the bracelet on BYU campus. So why the hell did I do it.

I already discussed the whole integrity issue, but its more than just integrity. I want to feel more authentic. I want to feel like I am being me, like most people. When people don't know this big aspect of my life it makes me feel less authentic. However, coming out to every person I come in contact with is weird and awkward. So this was a way to help me feel like I am truly out.

I also want to help relive the some of the same that is attached to it. If I know that people realize that I am gay and still treat me the same, then I can have more peace. I am afraid of being judged unfairly. I realize I am not perfect or even close, however I do think that I have a kind heart (sometimes). Some will still judge me harshly but honestly how many will actually talk to me about it. Its kind of awkward to ask another about their sexual orientation, especially in an environment where it is considered to have only one righteous combination.

So far I am happy I am wearing. It'll take a while for me to be completely comfortable, but this is a step. When Carol lynn Pearson spoke to us thursday she talked about the importance of letting members know who we are. Giving them our faces to associate homosexuality with can promote change. Most of us gays are good people. Just like most of you straights are good people. We have diversity just like you straight folk. So putting diverse personalities to the faces of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender persons will bring to life reality. We are people just like you, not sinful spawns of the devil.

I will continue to wear it and with time maybe even with pride. My name is Mark May, I have brown hair and eyes, brown skin in the summer and surprisingly big feet.

Jupither - I Kissed a Boy

2011-10-23T16:49:00.000-06:00

I came across this song today... I like it.

Little Wet Tears On Your Baby's Shoulder

2011-10-19T21:59:00.003-06:00

Its late and I should be sleeping, but I really wanted to write this while my emotions were raw to promote more honesty. I just finished the TV show Parenthood, one of my favorites. When I watch it I like to watch it alone, or with someone I trust. That's kind of a weird requirement of mine, but I have good reasons. Parenthood is a drama about a family and the interactions as life happens. I get emotional just about every episode.

My emotional intensity varies depending on my company. When I am around people I only know on a superficial level my emotionality is held back. When I am alone I feel safe, thats when the most intense emotion is expressed. For example, tonight I was teary eyed most of the episode. The tears came for different reasons, out of pain, envy, sadness, and even pride. I'll even cry at the Office or Parks and Recreation. The genre I am currently viewing isn't as much as factor in determining my emotionality as one would guess. Content and company play much bigger role.

When the content is focused on families, compassion, emotional intimacy, and/or emotional pain I become emotional. However company plays a bigger role. Society has really conditioned me to hid the sensitive side of me. Since I'm gay the stereotype suggests that I should be more emotional. Its a good thing I am not a stereotype.

I like to watch shows that get me emotional by myself because its a form of coping. I allow my self to relate to the characters, feel their emotion. In feeling their emotion I consequently feel mine. Since I am such an introverted person when it comes to negative emotion, I need an outlet to feel. TV shows like Parenthood is another cathartic experience other than music.

I say adieu, the gabapentin has set in. It supposed to help with pain as well. Its too bad that it doesn't help with the frontal lobe pain that is way too frequent. I hope I will be capable of having a relationship with a guy that I can star in my own version of parenthood.

This is Fact not Fiction

2011-10-11T21:31:00.005-06:00

Today is national coming out day. I thought about coming out on Facebook. Then I realized that the reason I don't use the phrase "I'm gay," or any other combination of words that define my sexuality, in my introduction is I want my sexual orientation be a part of my identity, not the defining factor. Coming out experiences often lead to using sexual orientation as the dominate identifier when pointing out or describing an individual.

I don't want to hide my sexuality, even though I do sometimes. I hide it because of worry. I worry that my relationships with others will change in an undesirable way. I worry about the thoughts that go through people's head when they find out. I worry about people trying to "help" by telling me about some article about homosexuality from the brethren. My pronouncement is a quote from a personal archived mental newspaper, not the latest headline. My worry of being kicked out of school or my apartment may seem irrational. In fact all of my worries may seem irrational. The truth is they come from learning about other's experiences or previous personal ones. So my worries have validity.

I want to be defined by my interets, likes and dislikes, abilities (even though they are few), personality, and any other aspect of my life. * Warning the next few sentences will be cliche, I'm sure you've heard it before.* If I were straight I wouldn't be defined by my sexuality, but since I'm gay some use it as the identifier. I have said it before, I want to be known as Mark May, not the gay guy in the ward (or whatever group I am associated with). I am not a stereotype and don't want to be treated as one. The LGBT community is just as diverse as the straight community. I don't like Glee, Lady Gaga, or project runway. I do not like Halloween as stated in a recent Facebook post. However, I have been described as domestic. I dress some of my sisters and am often the source of fashion advice. One of my favorite movie categories is "Drama." So I do fit some of the stereotypes, but not all.

I realize that the existence of this post contradicts the message. I have pronounced my sexuality in the post and dedicated precious minutes of sleep to discuss it. The sacrifice of sleep speaks volumes. However talking about being gay is what makes it into a non issue. The familiarity of something tends to conjure up apathetic sentiments. So I will post this and once again say, I prefer kissing dudes, therefore, I'm gay.

Can I Sail Through?

2011-10-06T07:49:00.004-06:00

Lately I've been doing this behavioral reward system to help me get through this final semester. I feel stupid for having to resort to this method, but if it gets me out of BYU then I'll do it. So far it has helped me be productive. I'm glad that I am being productive, but at the end of the day I feel dispair. When I use the phrase "at the end of the day" I don't mean it literally. I mean that regardless of my productivity I still am depressed, sad, and left with the question in my head "what's the point?"

I feel like I am in cycle that I will not be able to break from. In this cycle I push myself out of my comfort zone, I manipulate my mind in whatever way necessary to be functional. It lasts for a time, then somehow I am dragged back into world that where my OQ score* is the only thing that has a positive. My hope for fixing this problem is not there. My sister is putting so much time and energy to help ensure my success.

My drive for fixing my will to live is fueled by guilt and obligation. Currently the source of my guilt is lack of happiness, that is paid for by my work and others as well, but is not recieved. I am working hard to achieve at least a sense of apathy, but am only achieving a day of productivity. When people look at it on my google calendar it is easy to imagine a character who is going places. The reality is that behind the schedule, complete with hours of study and 2 hours of an endorphin overdose,* there is a only a person who doesn't see the point of working this damn hard to go to bed with a personal death wish.

For now I start my day with masking the pain with manipulation. I collect the energy from the guilt, obligation and external sources. Finally expend the energy through out the day after each itemized task is fulfilled on my schedule. I get through it. I try the same pattern the next day. This pattern takes an initial internal hope that this "push" is worth it. That hope is being expended, I'm struggling to trust my sister and others that it will get better.

Now is the time where I make a reference to a song, that in my fucked up mind is the current representation of what I feel. Although this song is not a perfect match, it does resonate. I am on a landslide, getting older, resisting change in relationships, I have turned around and built my life around you*. For now I will do my best to make those people, who are graciously loaning me their energy, proud.

*Definitions

OQ: a test I take before a therapy session that attempts to asses my emotional state since the last session.

Endorphin Overdose: My exercise program

You: the LDS church

I Haven't Got a Stitch to Wear

2011-09-26T20:34:00.010-06:00

So I had my 10 year high school reunion, full of good and bad experiences. I was unsure if I want,togo because I of the emotional state I've been in, my lack of accomplishments, and the fact that I was sure people didn't know me. In high schoolmany people knew of me but never really knew me. It's not to surprising because I was no where close to open with anyone.

A group of us I'm the sober one.

First I'll start with bad stuff and get it out of the way. I hung out with my brother during the day. My Mom came and joined us as well. There were some awkward moments. At the reunion I was super nervous and it showed.There were many awkward pauses in conversations. I wasn't feeling confident. There were many instance where I was standing or sitting alone silent. It reminded me of how much I need to work on my confidence.

Stacy and I (ignore the creepy glowing eyes.)

The good part. It was good to reconnect with people. I got to chat with Jerri, it was great. She is one of my favorite people from high school. We went to prom together and had a blast. Stacy is another person I was excited to see. I learned she had a big crush on me in highschool, I think she felt comfortable telling me that after I told her I was gay. I loved reconnecting with people who I didn't think I would.

Ajiaga and I (She kept running her hand through my hair.)

The best part was that I was comfortable with being gay. I didn't feel judged, I didn't feel like I had to be someone I'm not. I felt authentic and the oppression was lifted. I want that here, I want to be able to joke about the gay genes I inherited, the ways I fit the stereotypes, and any other funny aspect of being gay. I want my response to the question "would you date her?" to be "I like dudes." I just want the oppression to end. I have less than three months left here at BYU and then its time to move on. It'll time for the oppression to end. I will be able to be myself, to search for a life partner. My search will finally be the right sex. I will be able to work on creating a life of happiness, integrity, and love.

Jerri and I (She is still Beautiful)

I kind of hate how incredibly cheesy that was.

The Climb Can Kill You Long Before the Fall

2011-09-22T07:53:00.003-06:00

Last night I finished it. I finished the Lord of the Rings. That tale is probably one of the greatest stories written. Even though I watched it over 4 or 5 days it felt like a marathon. This trilogy is 652 minutes long, thats 11 hours and 22 minutes. I can't believe that my Brother would watch them back to back. I guess making the chain mail and downing Dr. Pepper helped. Because I am an internal thinker, I have reflected a lot of this movie.

Things have been going down hill since I came back from vacation. It started with me being anxious about my parents visit. My parents came, validated my fears, and left. After there departure things took a turn worse than I had thought it would. Although the binge eating had already started it went to a whole new level. I started to eat until I got sick, then when I felt better I would eat until I felt sick again. My exercise went from being consistent to inconsistant and practically non existant. I was starting to skip classes. When I'd go to class I would have extreme difficulty concentrating on the lecture. I wasn't studying at home or doing my homework. I have gotten behind in class.

Watching LOTR inspired me. I know its dumb that a fictional story would do that for me but it has. Although J.R.R. Tolkin denied that the series was not an allegory, it is to me. There were times where Frodo, Aragon, Gandalf, and others denied hope. In the end not only were they successful in defeating Lord Sauron, but most made pulled through alive. The inspiring part is that I feel like I am at the base of mount Doom. My energy is practically non existant. My desire is strong but my exhaustion limits my ability. I felt like I related to Froto's strong desires and the conflicting exhaustion. In the end Froto did destroyed the ring. He accomplished what he needed to do to ensure peace in Middle Earth.

There are many "rings" that I need to "destroy" or rather there are tasks that I could apply this inspiration to. Finishing school is a great contender, but being completely out seems to be the task that is of most importance. Finishing school is more like a step to being out and to everyone. Leaving BYU is when I will feel free. Feel free to be myself, to date, to dictate my life the best way I see fit. As a student here I feel suppressed, I feel pressure to keep my sexual orientation a secret. After I have the diploma, I can better explore and learn my new path of life.

Right now is a difficult time. My depression symptoms are up to levels that they were three or four years ago. I have anxiety and panic attacks, eating and television binges, and of course restless nights. I hope I can continue on like Frodo did. I hope I can carry this burden. Although I can not "destroy" my sexual orientation, I can destroy the complications that come with it. I can destroy the self hatred, the dispair, the stigma, the suppression, etc. After this destruction I can then re-build my life with hope, self worth, and expressions of love.

All Those Evening on the Back Deck...

2011-09-17T07:00:00.002-06:00

Its 15 til 6 in the morning and I've been awake for the past couple of hours. Its amazing how insomnia messes with you. Less than a week ago was the first full nights rest I had with out any nightmares for a month. Last night I got bed at a decent hour and I wake up in the middle of the night not being able to sleep. So I decided to watch the Netflix movie I had, Conviction. It was pretty good. I left me a mess.

I am going through a cycle. The cycle began when I got stressed out by my parents coming to visit. The stress lead to anxiety, that anxiety grew and graduated to panic attacks. I was binge eating, not exercising, being too extreme in exercising (almost to the point of injury), avoiding studying, working on the research. I was loosing control of my self. Then my parents came. In this cycle the event I am worried about can either confirm or deny my fears. This time it confirmed. So I got worse, I honestly think I was in shock after my parents "gay-vention." Not the holy crap kind of shock, the clinical kind. Then I have moments of strength where I force myself to do productive things to get me out of the pain. They usually don't last long at first. I struggle for a bit as time passes the pain starts to subside and I'm able to start rebuilding my life again.

In conviction this women loved her brother so much that she fought for him for 2 decades. She dedicated her life to free her innocent brother from prison. In the end she won. In the end she was glad she did it. However in the middle of it she had moments of dispair, but she never gave up. Even when her own brother wanted to give up. I am impressed with her determination. I wonder what gives her that determination. I want that determination to get in and through medical school. However I don't know if I have it.

I feel like I ruined my possibilities by continuing through school while I am extremely depressed. I have made poor decisions that will make life harder, let alone getting into a medical school. I feel like I need to learn from someone to stay motivated and get that determination to succeed.

My motivation to do the things I enjoy have left me. I haven't wanted to anything. As weird or confusing as this sounds I haven't wanted to spend my time not doing anything. Yesterday in group I talked about how I hate when I get like this. It puts my back in my progress. The progress I worked so hard to have. For example, I was so close to my goal fat percentage and now I'm where I was at the beginning of the summer.

This movie gave me hope. Hope that I can recover from this hell that I am in. It will be difficult and many won't believe it to be possible. Maybe it won't be, but I know that if I work really hard it will bring to a place better than this. I spent my friday night alone watching a movie in my empty apartment. It wasn't because I didn't have places I could go to be with friends. I could have gone to my roommates hockey game, or a friends concert. Or even my favorite thing, just showing up at the Velour and to listen to whoever was playing. It was because I am so depressed that I can't open my self up to be around people.

This blog is the most I have been able to be open to people outside of therapy and discussion with close family members. I have a friend, well more than one, who wants me to open up more to people. Its not as easy for me as it seems to be for her. It took me 24 years to open up to the first person in my life. It was a therapist, then a family member. Even then I still didn't completely open myself to them. I am better now. I have a couple people that I am extremely open with. I just don't trust people. I especially don't trust their words, but I trust their actions and reactions.

My father would hit me and tell me he loved me at that same time. He would tell me that he loved me while he was yelling at me in a rage. He would tell me that he is proud of me and doesn't agree with my decision in the same sentence. The conflicting messages I received from him and continue to receive from him make it hard to trust.

I need openness not because I think its a good idea for everyone to know me. I need openness to discount the "what ifs" in my head. The "what if they knew, they'd think differently." rhetoric. I need to relieve the shame I inherited from my parents. I need to love who am not who I am trying to be.

Part of the rebuilding cycle often includes someone. This time its my sister Misty. She is able to do what my parents aren't able to do at this time. She is giving me the confidence to move forward. It has been nice to spend time with her, even though it has been short moments. Her presence gives me the confidence that I can get through this. That's what I lack the most at this point, is presence. The presence of a loved one who I trust. I hope that these moments I get with people I trust will keep me going until I have enough confidence in myself to minimize the cycles.

I already feel the post family blues and my sister still hasn't left yet. In fact later today I will have dinner with them. So I feel bad that I already feel abandoned. I know my sister loves me. I just seem to need more reassurance than a the average person. After this movie I gained strength and determination to work again for my happiness. I am going to use this visit from my sister, this reassurance of her love for me to participate in the part of the cycle where that self improvement happens.

They Were all Stolen...

2011-09-16T18:39:00.006-06:00

This is mostly for just your information. A while ago I decided that I would make all the titles to my post lyrics from a song that I love that relate to my post. Even the title of this post fits. So feel fee to find out what song its from. Those who read my blog know about my relationship with music and the lyrics. I like to share the music I love, music is the most important secular possession.

This Shit is Making Me Tired...

2011-09-13T21:19:00.005-06:00

It is almost 9:30 and I have not studied like I need to. I have a test thursday on all the bones and landmarks. What did I do instead, I ate and watched TV on my computer. I am back where I was years ago. I am terrified of taking this test. I am getting fat and isolating myself from people. My neck and back hurts from laying on my bed all day.

I'm trying so hard to get through this. I want to be like Stuart Matis. I want to make that kind of statement and leave this damn world. I want to leave the pain it causes me. I am angry, sad and hurt. I am hurt by the church I belong to, I am hurt by some of my friends, I am hurt by parents. I was looking at pictures of when I was in California at Ashley and Preston's wedding. I looked so happy and I felt happy. I was on road of recovery. Now I have been knocked of that road into an abandoned mine and broke my legs. I can't see where I'm going, I don't know which way is toward the earth's surface or how long it'll take to crawl out.

I don't understand why my pain is so intense. My therapist says to tell myself that "this is not my favorite." I am trying to just remember that this will pass. I just don't have the will to do the things that might help. I don't have the energy to manipulate myself. I wish there was someone that could just sit with me in my pain and hold my hand until I fall asleep.

What I want to say to all of you who are married or otherwise in a committed romantic relationship. Don't take that relationship for granted. In the end you always have that person who has committed his or her life to you. As you complain about the complications in your life because of it remember I am a lone in my bed wishing I had someone. The someone that I am able to have that relationship with is not in accordance with my church, some of my families beliefs.

These are the things passing through my mind:

You stupid fat ass, why did you eat that shit.
Idot why the hell didn't you study.
You lazy son of a bitch why did you waste your day.
You ungrateful bastard people are trying to help
Why the fuck are you still alive you have nothing to offer.
I hate you
Just cut your hands off.
You caused all these problems if you would just not be so stupid
You will never be happy
You will never find love
Your parents will abandon you
Your brothers will abandon you
Your sister's will abandon you
Your friends will abandon you
You will be a lone
You can't count on anyone
You will never be of value to anyone
You are so selfish
Just bleed it'll all go away
You are fat because you eat
You are fat because you are lazy
Your GPA isn't very good because you are stupid and lazy
You are ugly
You suck at running
You are weak
How can you ever be a good runner, you are fat
You will fail
You always will fail
You are the epitome of failure
You are a fuck up and always will be
You only have yourself to blame
You don't have value
The only reason why people have been nice is out of obligation
The only reason you are helping with this research is because the feel pity for you
Pity is the only reason anyone is willing to help you
Just shoot our self in the head
Stab your self
You deserve it
All this pain is your fault
Just cut of the fat then they'll have to remove it
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

So I Pull Out My Gun...

2011-09-13T16:53:00.002-06:00

Trapped in the Closet
Get More: SOUTH
PARK more...

Sorry I forgot to post this I said I would a while back in one of posts. I love South Park.

Somebody Caused Me Strife and it's Not What I Was Seeking...

2011-09-12T08:30:00.005-06:00

This past week... wow. It was awful! I was fine as long as I was busy. However as soon as I get some free time I couldn't stop the emotions from affecting my diet. I feel like I am back where I was two years ago. I don't really have any desire to do anything. Nothing seems like it is worth the effort.

Yesterday at church my Elder's quorum president pulled me to the side, he "noticed" that I hadn't come to priesthood for the past couple of weeks. I think he was trying to be nice. I haven't been to priesthood for a couple of months. I was not in a good mood and was a little rude. I wish I wasn't. I told him that I won't be going to priesthood. He then said that every member is important and contributes great things the quorum. He is a nice guy. It just annoys me when people say stuff like that. Does he even know me? When I go to priesthood I sit in the back and just listen. I keep my mouth shut, even if I might have worth while to speak about. I have tried to make friends in the quorum and it never really works.

I made the decision to stop attending Sunday school and priesthood because I would leave them more angry and/or depressed. It didn't seem to be helping me become more Christ like, therefore it is not for me right now. I think that's the hardest thing about going to church is that I feel like I don't really fit in. I as a friend told me "[I go] against everything we've been taught." or my Dad said "[I] don't fit into the plan of salvation." Granted they were talking about being gay, but gay is what I am. I would love to go to Sunday school and priesthood to be uplifted. However that hasn't been happening for the past couple of years. I want to do it for the sake of my Elder's quorum president. It was nice of him to invite me to come.

The pain is just becoming more and more unbearable as the days have gone by since my parents held the "gay-vention." Its supposed to get better. While I am becoming more functional, the pain numbs my emotion. My body has gone into survival mode. I am constantly exhausted. Even though through out the day am feel like I am on the verge of falling asleep, when it comes to sleepy time it takes at least an hour to fall asleep. I'm just sick of manipulating myself to attempt to control my emotions and actions. I just want it to end.

We Were Never Meant To Be This Damn Broken...

2011-09-05T23:40:00.002-06:00

My parents came to visit. It started out ok. It was awkward, I'm sure because we both knew what was going to happen sometime during the trip. Saturday was fine, long but fine. Sunday I went to a friends baby blessing and brought my parents a long. It was of course a fast sunday. The blessing was a grieving moment for me as well as a support to my friend. He said he would have asked me to be in the circle but his father in law was in a wheelchair, but I feel like my sexuality had something to do with it.

Any way the baby blessings is not what I want to talk about. After we got home from church I took my parents to the hotel room to change. My Dad wanted me to come in so we could "visit." I knew what that meant. So I went in and kept my sunglasses on. We started out talking about the kitchen remodel. Then the scriptures were pulled out... I knew what that meant.

My Dad read a passage from Doctrine and Covenants and then from Abraham. The verses were about how we were intelligences before we were born. While he used those scriptures to support that we existed as spirits before we were born, he failed to bring that to the whole gay thing. But I knew where he was going with it.

He then proceded to tell me what he thought about homosexuality and how the prophet speaks for God. The same things he had emailed me. He also told me that he loved me and that he was jealous that I could make friends so easily. While the complements were nice, they came with a grenade. He told me that he trusted that I would make the right decisions. However he already had in mind the decision he wanted me to make. My Mom expressed her love and that she learned a lot from that book.

As they spoke of me being gay and "struggling with same sex attraction," I could hear the disappointment. I really hate to disappoint people and have worked hard to never disappoint my parents. I was used to disappointing my father, but my mother not really. The phrase "struggling with same sex attraction," implies that I can be "fixed." This is not going to go away. It is as much a part of me as my eyes. My Dad talked about how he doesn't go a day without praying for me and my friend (who is gay and my parents know well). Does he pray that I'll be "fixed." Maybe its my pride but I could hear how proud he was of himself for being so righteous.

After they were done the asked me if I wanted to say something. I struggled to let them know who I felt. I was is so much pain and struggling to breathe. After failed attempts to get through to them I asked for some time to myself. So I went for a drive and just focused on ending my anxiety attack. I really wanted someone I could trust to just sit there next to me. Unfortunately the person I trust enough was unavailable.

When I got back I tried to express the pain to my father and how I felt. However he would never let me really speak. He wouldn't listen. We started to argue and I didn't want another fight on our record. So I just let him have the last word and took it once again. The thing that he said that made me realize there was no point in discussing this with him anymore was "you'd have to agree that it doesn't fall in line with the plan of salvation." I don't admit it. There are many children in the world who need loving parents. Why can't me and my future husband provide a child or children with love and support that a child needs?

We went back to my place for dinner. I didn't really speak the drive back. When I got home I went to my room to change as well as to get my game face on... well at least as much as I could. We finished up dinner and ate. All I wanted to do was watch something but of course my Dad was opposed to that. We played a couple of games.

That night I invited a bunch of people over to have some crepes. Those who attended I'm sure could tell something was wrong with me. I just wanted to stay busy the whole time making crepes and let everyone else just eat and enjoy the company of others. I was really glad for all who came, especially those who knew how difficult this was to have my parents here.

I have to "divorce" my parents. This doesn't mean that I won't still have relationships with them, it just means they are not able to be an emotional/spiritual support for me. Thus leaving me more a lone than I was before. A gay mormon does not need anymore reasons to feel a lone.

I hate that my pain causes so much pain for my Mom, she doesn't deserve anymore pain. I hate that I can not just be the person that my Mom wants me to be, or my Dad or the Prophet. I feel trapped. I can not be happy living a lone and celibate in the church. I will disappoint my parents, other family members, and some friends if I pursue a relationship with a man. I can't kill my self because I can't bear being the source of that much pain for my loved ones. So this leaves me trapped. Me being gay has hurt some relationships that I care deeply about.

Today after I dropped my parents off. I ate and ate, while I watched movie after movie. I needed to be working on homework but the wound was too fresh. Through out the day when I thought I was feeling better, something so small triggered the pain. So I am here in my bed typing away unable to sleep.

The Landslide Will Bring Me Down...

2011-09-01T23:09:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is dooms day, or at least it feels like it. I feel much better about my parents visit, but I know that my body is using an old trick. I have successfully made a facade that even I am fooled by. I wish I could say that I wasn't worried about the events of this weekend, but I can't. Unconsciously I know I am just as terrified as I was when I was having that panic attack in my therapist's office. How do I know this, I started crying watching The Colbert Report. I started to cry and instantly got sad. When I stopped crying it was like nothing happened.

Tonight I went to a USGA meeting. If you don't know what that is I'm not surprised. But USGA is an unofficial group at BYU. USGA stands for "understanding same gender attraction." It was good to interact with other gays and lesbians. It was also nice to meet straight people who support us.

I have my mind wander to think about my future as a gay man. I don't know what will happen or how I will get through this part of my life. I talked with Bridey, a lesbian, she is happy to be a lesbian. I'm not at that point, I don't know if could be. I admire that in her. I realized tonight that my self hatred is fueled by my sexuality. I have been conditioned to hate my self not only for my humaness, but also for my sexuality.

Years of this self hatred being reenforced with words, failures, and synapses have worn me down. My Dad taught me the false notion that I am in control of everything. That was very evident when I was in trouble for some other person breaking into my car at a football game in high school. Control is how maintain my sanity. So sorry anyone who knows me, yes I am controlling and I know it. It gives me peace.

I lost control these past couple weeks and am struggling to regain it again. That scares me more than death. But those who know me well know that death doesn't scare me much any way. Death is a welcomed event for me. I want to live only if I can be happy, but the work it takes seems to be endless.

As I feel the pain of lowliness that is fueled by the gay mormon contradiction. I take solace in my music, it is my "Suicide Medicine." That is a title of one of my favorite songs. Any way my music is what gets me through the nights that I stay awake crying desperate to have someone with me to comfort me. Someone there to hold me give me the need affection. For now I have my Dr. Dres that fill my ears with dramatic tones and poetic words.

My Brian Never Stops Ticking...

2011-08-30T22:23:00.002-06:00

Well today was pretty shitty. I am embarrassed to say that these past couple weeks of binge eating have put me back to 190. Last night I was eating and crying. I didn't want to eat but I couldn't stop my self. I ate until I couldn't take the pain anymore. I woke up this morning stressed. My stress lead to anxiety. What was I anxious about... getting fat. I still consider my self fat, even though people tell me I'm not. So really I'm afraid of getting fatter.

My anxiety turned into a panic attack. My panic attack didn't let up until about a mile into my run. I went to see my therapist and what happened I had another panic attack, this one was a lot worse. I lost control of my body, I started pushing against the floor with my feet as if to push away from my therapist. Then I grabbed my leg and squeezed. I couldn't stop, the harder I tried to stop the harder I would squeeze my leg. My arm and hands were in so much pain, all the muscles involved were basically in tetanus. I lost feeling in my foot and became extremely light headed because of my quick and shallow breaths. I ended it by replaying music in my head and instructed my therapist to not ask questions.

My anxiety is super high right now because as I mentioned earlier F$%@ my parents are coming this weekend. This is more stressful than I think some realize. I know my parents love me but the way they show it is what I'm worried about. I already know that they don't agree with me being gay... I just struggle with same sex attraction. So me dating men is disappointing to them.

I started reading No More Goodbyes... what a great book. The author does a great job of expressing the pain I feel without ever being a gay man who is mormon. I cried of course. I wish my parents understood the dilemma I deal with. The intense pain I feel. I feel trapped. I feel like if I live a celibate life like my father wants me to I will be waiting for death my whole life. I would be lonely and desperate for intimacy. As much as my friends and family are there for me I will never be number one, because they aren't my partner in life. Or I could be gay but live a life full of persecution, complications, and leave the church. Both suck.

Tonight the pain is intense, the anxiety rich, and the insomnia prevalent. My only hope is that my tears will lull me to sleep. But then again I'll probably have a nightmare tonight. So who will reject me and turn everyone against me to night in my unconsciousness. I guess we'll see.

It Sits in My Head, It's Been There too Long...

2011-08-23T21:56:00.002-06:00

So I've been thinking a lot about the transition from in the closet Mark and the Mark who lives in reality. I just chuckled... why because I thought of a south park episode where Tom Cruiz, John Trovolta, and R. Kelly won't come out of Stan's closet. I'll post a video. Any way, this transition is full of ups and downs. It has been down since vacation. These past couple of weeks have been filled with eating and TV binges. James (my co-worker/friend) can confirm my orneriness. Poor James he has to put up with all of my bitching. The two things on my mind lately have been "I wish I was straight," and "F@$% my parents are coming."

I just wish I was straight. Why might you ask? Well being gay brings complications. Being gay, mormon, and BYU student... the complications add up. If I was straight I could find a girl, marry her in the temple, have babies, and bring pride into my parents eyes. I wouldn't have to defend my position to my friends and family. I would have all the rights as a straight couple enjoys. My sexuality puts my job at risk. How messed up is that?! Being gay just seems like it will be full of complications. However the alternative is living a lonely life void of true intimacy is something I just can't do.

My parents are coming... Labor day weekend. This will be the first time I will see them since letting them know that I will be dating men. The first thought that came to mind when my dad asked to come visit was that they would hold an intervention. My sister, Misty, doesn't think that is the case. However, I'm not completely convinced. I can accept that my Mom would allow my sovereignty, but my Dad... Hmmm. I can see my Dad walking up to my bishop and wanting to talk to him about me. He's done it before. My relationship with my Mom seems to have changed. There is a significant of awkward silences during our conversations. I know they will always love me but how will things change because of my decision to exit the closet.

I hope tomorrow I can wake up ride my bike to work and eat healthy. I also hope that I can be in a good mood as well... for James sake.

This Old Wound...

2011-08-12T21:54:00.003-06:00

Today I went on a date with a great guy. We had lunch and then went to a movie. The movie I saw was Stupid, Crazy, Love. First of all the movie was excellent. I got emotional at times, not only because I'm a sad sap and a sucker for a good romantic story. The movie brought up some difficult feelings.

I have become honest with myself that I am gay and will not be able to have the traditional family I dream of. My mind is full of pain and conflict. I want to be happy that I am moving forward and searching for a life partner to share life with. Its hard to be happy with that decision not because I don't feel its right. The conflict with the church is what makes it difficult for me to move forward.

I want to stay active in the church and be the ideal member. Staying in the church means a life full of dinners for one. A house with one resident. Most difficult would be a life of loneliness. A life outside of the church is scary because it means leaving a life I love. Both decision don't seem to bring the peace I desire.

Right now I am sick to my stomach and I have an intense headache. It doesn't help that I just ended a great vacation with my sister. I was able to reconnect with my sister. I was able to get to know my Aunt Becky and her family. I was able to form a relationship with my cousins. I have never been able to do that. I don't even know how many brother's and sisters my Dad has. We just have never been close to our extended family.

One reason that I maybe experiencing this pain is I took my medication only once for this past week. Tomorrow I will start taking the medication again. I just wish I had someone with me right now to console me. I wish the pain I feel at this moment will subside and I'll be able get some sleep. I have to work early tomorrow.

Heart is Sturdy and Need You to Survive

2011-07-31T09:33:00.002-06:00

I just finished a 10 day juice fast. What this means I only had fruit and vegetable juice for 10 days. I made an exception, I had an avocado or two a day. Many questions maybe entering your mind at the moment like, why the hell would a person do that? This fast was inspired by a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.

The documentary is about a guy who is sick, fat and near death... in case you didn't gather that from the tittle. This man decided to do a juice fast for 60 days. He figured since he feed his body crap he had to infuse it with nutrients. The best form of nutrients the body can get are fruits and vegetables. However to get the insane amount of nutrients his body needed he needed to drink it concentrated. Juicing makes it possible to have tons of nutrients without having to eat 24/7. His health transformed.

I began to think that I could benefit from this fast. It would cleanse my body with the bodys form of soap, antioxidants. This could have great consequences. What I'm hoping for is more energy, better digestion, lower allergy symptoms and of course weight loss.

So I made some videos of my experience but blogspot seemed to struggle uploading them. Now that I have eaten a significant amount of protein I can talk about my experience. So the first 6 days were easy and awesome. I was dropping weight so fast and getting visibly skinnier. I wasn't able to workout as hard as I could while eating properly, however, I wasn't hungry. I was craving meat everyday though. I could smell a barbecue miles away.

Day 7 is where it got difficult. I was completely drained of energy. I started eating two avocados to help. The weight came off slower but it still came off. I was working slow and was constantly napping on the drives between jobs. Day 8 was even worse. Day 9 I didn't think I could make it. Day 10 was compounded with frustrating things happening. I even went to a dinner party that I didn't eat a single morsel of food.

Today I ate about 8 eggs and 2 tortillas, a bunch of spinach and a cup of salsa. I went a little over board on the food I know. I feel so full of life now. The life didn't come from the food but the accomplishment. Many of you who know me know that I really struggle when not eating. Although I didn't feel hungry all the time my body thought I was so my mood behaved accordingly.

During the fast I thought a lot about people who "fast" or rather starve involuntarily. I realized how much their lives must suck. Many work very hard for very little sustenance. I work hard, don't get me wrong, but I also have many comforts and enough resources to get to 270 pounds. The best part is the feeling of accomplishment I have. This was one of the hardest things I have done. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I do have some amount of self discipline. I learned that I could go with out comfort food. The best part was that I was feeling more in control with my being.

I plan on doing this quarterly to help maintain good nutrition. I recommend this to everyone. It has great potential for great things. Watch the documentary to see how it helped others. Ask me questions to see how it can help you. Those of you who say I don't want to loos weight... I say its much more than weight loss. You will loose fat any way not a significant amount of muscle mass. I'm glad I did it and I think you'd be too.

You Don't know the Things I've Learned

2011-07-17T21:15:00.003-06:00

So this is part of an email I sent to my parents today... I thought it would help better explain what I am thinking abou the whole gay issue.

I'm glad you are reading this book. I think it has/will help you guys understand where I'm coming from. You are right about going back to the basics. That's what I've been doing. I have learned a lot about my self and God through this. My eyes have been open to a more practical and realistic. I have learned that my salvation is 100% percent between me, God, and the Savior. I have learned to separate my salvation from the church too. Although I believe that this is God's church, I do not believe it's the only way to gain salvation. I have learned to realize the ideal LDS path my not me the ideal path for me. I have learned to separate my the Gospel and the Church. I have also learned that judgement can only be made with proper understanding. As mortals with limited experience we are not to judge.

For me it ll comes down to how I learn to love. I have spent too long trying to be the perfect son, brother, older brother and the list goes on. In my mind I thought ( and still do at times) think I have to be the complete opposite of who I am. What I need to be focused on is being who I am. I may not know everything about who I am but I do know a lot. I can use being my self to increase my capacity to love. But as cliche and lane as it sounds I have to love my self to increase my capacity to love.

I can not know the future or make an accurate prediction. I know that I am gay and I know that it conflicts with the church in a big way at the time being. I believe prejudice and lack of understanding will keep many LDS men and women stay in the closet. As of right now I am active in the church and want to be. However I decided that Sunday school and priesthood do more harm than good. So I only go to sacrament. Going to the temple is the same way.

As much as I wish to I could just pray and have faith that I will become straight, I know it's not God's will. That may change but it is hard for me to see that.

I am learning to not only to accept myself but love myself. I have noticed a large increase these past couple weeks. I am thankful for that because I have made some hard choices that don't seem to be what the church would suggest. I stopped going to Sunday school and priesthood. I have started talking more with other gay guys out here and opening the possibility of dating them.

I realize this is most likely difficult for you to accept and understand. I wish I could give 5 minutes of the pain I have been experiencing and the joy I have been feeling as I have been making these choices. Obviously I can't, but please just trust me.

You and Mom have roughy me good things. From Mom I have learned compassion and being aware of others. From you I have learned the value of work and responsibility.

I have a string testimony of the Savior and his atonement. I know trusting me will be difficult because it may lead me to marry another man. That will make me leave the Church. So please just know that I am taking my life seriously, I'm not going through a phase, and my testimony of and relationship with the Savior will guide me.

The Closer I am to Fine

2011-07-10T21:47:00.002-06:00

This week has been seriously long. I think what made it feel long is that a lot has happend. There was the 4th, a day with the Kitchens and Wrights, and some new experiences. I started the week great with my sister on the 4th. No need to go into detail due the the previous blog. Then wednesday I babysat the Wrights while Misty and Colby were being convinced to come here to teach at BYU. Later in the morning the Kitchens joined in on the fun. It was crazy! There were 10 kids in my apartment, luckily two of them were pretty old enough to behave more like adults. Any way that day wore me out. Although the visit with the Wrights and Kitchens was more like a tornado of events it was so fun.

Other highlights that seemed to be more significant to my progression out of this hell involved the internet and chat with a friend who definitely is in the best friend category. These things have brought enlightenment and more understanding of self. But I will warn you before hand you may not like what you read.

First the internet. After talking with other gay guys out here I came to the conclusion if I want to meet other guys to date or just be friends with I had to look toward the internet. So I joined one of the many gay online communities. I am very weary of the internet being a way of search for dates and friends but I have been giving it a go. I have talked to some interesting people. I received a message from a guy who happens to be here in Lanai too, so that was nice. I now have someone to sit with at church that I knows I'm gay and understands the conflict. I have chatted it up with other guys too. I still haven't initiated any conversations with anyone, but I will... eventually. These sites have opened up more possibilities for me. I hope to be able to date more. But the most important think I have learned from starting this internet dating thing is that I am definitely gay.

Ashley and I hang out regularly and I love it. This saturday we went out to eat and wondered the mall. The best part of the evening was our talk on the sun deck of Lanai. That talk even beat the run in we had with a mannequin that had some pretty prominent nipples. We talked about many things. We talked about what it would be like when I get married to a guy. What the wedding would be like, how people would respond, and if we would have a couples dance (probably not). The most significant think we talked about was love and understanding.

The older I get the more I realize I just don't understand much. Its my lack of understanding the handicaps my judgements. Poor judgements can be detrimental. Judging others is just as criminal . We need to learn how to love and understand other. The two can't really seem to be separated, a lack of understanding inhibits love and vice versa. However we can love someone just enough to gain understanding and then we love them more. As we love them more we learn more about them and we understand more. So the two seem to work together. As we try to understand others we often grow to love them. However it seems to be best to love first and then understanding seems to come.

In contrast as we judge other we start to dislike others. As much as I think I know so much and have learned so much, I realize I can never understand another person perfectly. I am incapable of that but I can get closer to understanding another. That understanding can not grow with out love. If judgements precede understanding mistakes are often made and that person becomes nature definitive.

I am definitive by nature. I like to know an equation or procedure for every desired out come. However, life's answers are not universal or constant. If you look at the nature of God, he has never exclusively given universal or constant direction in any period of time in the world. There are some few constant principles but the practice of them is so circumstantial. If you look at the evolution of the church just in this dispensation you can see changes in council from the brethren. If you look through the scriptures to see the commandments change as well. Change in policy or commandments does not mean that an organization if following the ways of the world. I believe those changes come from us earthlings being able to make better decisions. The people on the world as a whole have grown and continue to grow in understanding. As our understanding grows so can our love. Likewise as our understanding grows we are better able to make better choices.

The line from an Indigo Girls song has new meaning to me. "the less I think my source to something definitive the closer I am to fine." It hit me while listening to that song is that I have been limiting my self for years. I don't allow myself to change and struggle to let others change. So I will try to work hard to keep out of such a small definitive box and open up my possibilities. But of coarse I'll take God for the ride to direct me.

There is a Light and It Never Goes Out

2011-07-04T20:41:00.002-06:00

So I thought it'd be a nice change to talk about some positive things for once. Today my sister Misty ran the Freedom Run with me. The freedom run is one of my favorite races. I was so excited to have someone to run it with. The first time I ran a race it was with my friend Jeff. I have run many since then, but mostly alone. Although I didn't actually run with them during the race I enjoy talking about it at the finish line with a fellow competitor. The bonus was that it was my sister!

Needless to say the best part was I got to spend time with my sister. After the race we came back to my apartment had a good chat over smoothies. Misty is one of my biggest supporters in helping me with coming out and pursuing a relationship with other guys. She has taken charge and is helping those in my family who struggle with my new venture. Its good that they are not only hearing it from me but also from her. Misty is the leader of the family whether she tries to be or not... she is the oldest after all.

As we talked it helped me feel more comfortable about my decisions. It may be shocking to some but I feel the spirit when I talk to her about my future with someone. I have always been comforted by her advice. I am glad that she can lift my spirits. Even better she doesn't have the monopoly on helping me feel better.

I have been so blessed that God has prepared my friends and family. I tried to my part by dropping hints and stuff. However I know that God soften their hearts and people have been for the most part compassionate. So to all of you who are accepting of me regardless of my sexuality and your opinions of my choices... Thank you. It's nice to know that you care.

Thank you Misty for spending time with your at times burdensome depressed little brother. I really value our relationship.

My Heart Was Racing, My Mind Was Screaming... I Just Lost It.

2011-06-26T12:24:00.005-06:00

I just got back from church. I don't understand why church puts me in a worse mood than I was in previously. This fact makes it difficult for me to continue to go every sunday. Its weird that my testimony remains strong regardless. Any way this sunday was worse than normal. It started out like it does every sunday. When it came time for my favorite part, the sacrament. I bowed my head listened to the prayer. After the prayer I began my prayer. The first thing I said was said without thinking. I said to God "please just kill me."

I kept trying to direct my prayer in a different direction, but it kept coming back to that. I know that is what I have desired for a long time now, but know its not an option or an answer. However it just upsets me that after all this effort I am still desire the same thing. I have been working hard to know what my path to happiness is. I pray for direction, as well as use logic to understand.

So after an emotional sacrament service I decided to go for a drive. While I was driving my frustration developed into anger. I had a conversation in my head with my bishop about my frustrations. I was asking him what do I do? I don't know? Why is it that after all the work I have put into being happy am I requesting death. Why do I still hate my self? Why does my patriarchal blessing tell m that my mind and body is sound? Does this mean that me being gay is not an illness? Does it mean its in my head? Why does it say I'll get married to "a woman of my choice?" Does this mean I am supposed to marry someone even though I am not attracted? Are those just general statements? Why is the only direction I feel I have had tell me to go against the Prophet? Why isn't the Prophet offering answer for us gays and lesbians? If members of the church are supposed to be compassionate towards people in my situation why are so many uncompassionate? Why must we suffer in silence? These are only some of the questions I blurted out in my imaginary conversation with my Bishop.

So I decided to go back to church and ask some of those questions in real life. I got there in time for priesthood. My plan was to talk to the Bishop after church. I hung around for priesthood. Guess what the lesson was on eternal families. Way to kick me when I'm down. So I do what I always do convince my self there must be something that I need to learn from this lesson. I listened attentively and payed attention to my feelings. The lesson only made me more frustrated and upset. There was talk of being damned if you don't get married in the temple, that the reason we are here on earth is to have a family and homosexuality is attacking the family.

I decided not to talk to the bishop mostly because I am not currently in the state of mind to objectively meditate his words. So I came home to blog. So here I am lying in my bed typing away. So I think I'll just let my fingers spell out my thoughts.

Many have told me or talk about homosexuality as a weakness, but a weakness is something that is overcome or turned into a strength. So if homosexuality is a weakness then heterosexuality must be a strength. How do I turn myself into a heterosexual... prayer, fasting, living righteously? I can check that off and continue to. I know that Christ can heal all things. So if this is a weakness how is it to be overcome? Am I to be damned until this life is over. Am I destined to a life of watching other people live my righteous dream? Am I to continue going to church while some judge me for not getting married? Where is my place in the church if I am unable to participate in a fundamental principle of this church?

Even if I come to peace with my homosexuality and the church. Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I look in the mirror and see a man who is fat and weak. I hate my birthday. My birthday is a reminder that I have not accomplished anything. The worst part of my birthday is all the attention. The praise and love make me so uncomfortable. Why? Because I just don't deserve it. Then if I do convince my self that I deserve it I leaves me with a strong obligation to accomplish something to really deserve the kindness. Then the next birthday comes around and I am bowing my head praying in sacrament meeting for death.

Temptations and Evil Demons Crawling the Earth and Hiding in Every Corner

2011-06-16T22:15:00.003-06:00

Tonight I made a mistake and I watched the documentary 8: A Mormon Proposition. This documentary is heavily biased and definitely anti Mormon. I just wanted to hear the other side of the story, I guess. Well it was a big mistake all it has done is cause additional pain for me. Many of you know that I am Mormon... and active. I have a strong testimony of the Savior and The Book of Mormon. So this creates a huge dilemma for me. It leaves me with no place in the Church.

This documentary brought up things that I wish I could erase from my memory. They hate in some of the members of this Church for my people. The comparisons they make? Does my sexual orientation condem me? Thats the message I received during proposition 8. If I could have one wish I wouldn't be gay, I would be able to marry a woman honestly. I would be able have a family with out serious conflict. However that is not the case.

The most hurtful part of this documentary was when some fellow gay Mormons spoke of their suicide attempts. I very easily could have been one of those interviewed. It brought back the pain that drove me to forget my family's desires. That's the pain that I wish the Brethren could feel so the would know why I am hurt. So they understand the conflict. Even if it wrong its more than a temptation. To drink is a temptation, one can find happiness without. A temptation is something that can be overcome. I have not meet one person who has overcome his or her homosexuality. Those who claim to be cured, my skeptical meter goes off. I just wish there was more compassion for those of us that qualify for the gay and mormon communities.

I opened up to a couple of classmates, with whom I studied regularly with and consider friends. (hopefully become even better friends) One of them I know has read my blog the other... not sure. One of them, the one who read my blog, said I want to at least hear from you in 20 years. A reference to a previous blog. Although I am not suicidal these days, it doesn't mean I don't desire it. What makes me not suicidal is my family. I can't give up without making sure at least apathy for life could occur.

Watching that documentary pushed me to start forgetting the pain I would cause my family if I went trough with it. As I was showering, I convinced my self to stick it out until graduation. I can make it at least that long. Hearing the story of Stuart Matis it hurts. It hurts because I know that I feel they way he did over and over. I can't bring my self to do it quite yet out of obligation to my family and friends.

Bruce R McConkie said it is better to be dead rather than be homosexual. Although I can't imagine any of the Brethren saying anything as blatantly hurtful as that, the tone is comes through as the same. So tonight will be another one of those nights that I listen to a song on repeat that helps me to express my pain. Tonight it'll be Death Right by Rocky Votolato.

My Legs Weren't Sturdy

2011-06-12T21:50:00.003-06:00

Saturday was an epic failure. My marathon was that day and I had to drop out. All that training got me to the 16 mile mark. Its not that I can't run a marathon... I've done it before. I threw up and my muscles cramped up. It was probably due to my poor diet the past two weeks. When I got back from Michigan I was determined to loose 15 lbs in 10 weeks. Well I ended up gaining 5 lbs. Any way the biggest contributor to my poor performance saturday was the lack of sleep. In the 3 previous nights I had only got 10 hours of sleep.
Need less to say I feel like a looser and a failure. However I want to try to turn this into a positive experience. Tomorrow I'm going to get back on track with my sleep, diet and exercise routine. My goal... to loose 15 lbs. by my friends wedding in August. Its possible but still will be difficult. I hope I can stick to it.

Though They Toss and Pull and Churn

2011-06-08T23:30:00.005-06:00

So I just finished an excellent movie. The grandeur of this movie doesn't come from great special effects, sweet fight scenes, or even adventures. This movie is much more simple, the most powerful emotion. As cliche as it sounds and is this movie is about love. No matter how cheesy and cliche the last couple sentences are I was struggling to find a better combination of words. Any way this story isn't just a tale of romance. The tale is not a story of boy meets girl or any other combinations of gender. This is definitely you've got mail or even Love Actually. This tale of love involves love for God, children, siblings, friends and parents.

We know the great things that come from love. Love brings people together, heals pain, consoles and is an over all cure all. However the damage love can cause when used improperly can be as damaging as healing. Before your mind goes to the scenario that is sung about in rock songs. I am speaking of how love can lead us to hurt others. While our intentions may be to help, our lack of understanding can change help to hurt.

This movie is about a gay man, Mark, who lacks self worth and is addicted to drugs. After an overdose he is forced into a program that is meant to "cure" him of his "sickness." The main character is resistant at first but the extreme compassion of the leader of this program changes his mind to become straight. However Mark falls in love with another man, Scott, in the program. The other man only tried to change to gain the approval of his father. After 5 or so months in this program Scott listens to his father's last words. His last words were used to condemn him for his son for being gay. While Scott's father was quoting Leviticus, Scott was telling his father that he loved him. His father cried "I'll never see you again because your going to hell." Its obvious Scott's father loved him, but his lack of understanding lead him to exclaim such hurtful words.

The most difficult story of misguided expression of love comes from the programs leader, Gale. Gale lost her son due to a drug overdose. Her son was gay he didn't want to change, so she kicked him out. The day she condemned her son was last time she ever saw him. So out love for her son started this program to "cure" other gay men. She was trying to give back to rectify her mistreatment to her son. Just like Scott's father she loved these men/boys as her own. Her compassion was commendable, but she feed their insecurities, and fueled there depression. If Gale would try to understand these men, her son, maybe she could really learn how to help them. I don't doubt her love for people one second. She lacks the understanding.

One resident, Lester, even attempted suicide. When I saw him in that tub full of water and blood I lost it. I know that pain that led him to do this. I know it and live it everyday. Sleep is a time for my mind to obsess over it by creating fictional stories with non fiction people. Some times these nightmares resemble my reality. When Lester was in the hospital he told Mark "I know its not the Lord's desire but I don't think I could live any other way." That broke my heart.

I don't want to ruin too much of the movie because I want all of you to see it so I'll stop the narrative there and move on to commentary. I related so well to this movie. From Scott's quest to gain his father's love to the compassion Gale had to help stop the suffering of these men. When Scott looks at a father's day card he made for his father that express his love, I felt hurt pulsing through my body. I though of all the ways I tried to impress him, please him and tried to be worthy of his love. Its hard when you want to show your parents that you love them by being who they want you to be, but if you are so far from their vision one can be torn.

I may cry during a lot of movies but I have never cried like that. I hope this blog has given you the desire to seek out this movie.All you need is the title and maybe a good source to watch it. Your in luck you can watch this movie on Netflix... you can even stream it. So go ahead add "Save Me" to your instant Que. I hope you enjoy it. My favorite from this movie is "Oh he is." You'll have to watch it to learn the context.

White Daisy Passing

2011-06-01T17:18:00.004-06:00

So I just got back from group. I said if I am 40 or 50 and still depressed and a lone, then I gave it a go and its time to move on to the next life. Of course people didn't want me to kill myself. I was annoyed by the reaction. I was think why did I react that way. I discovered the answer on my walk home. People have told me how it is so selfish of me to kill my self because I would make others sad. The truth is that is the reason I am still alive is I feel like I owed my loved ones to give it another go. So I have pushed through the pain and have been working hard so that I can be happy and be on earth with my loved ones. I will continue to try.

However If I am 40 or 50, I still want to kill myself because I am so miserable and alone. Then I say let me go. If it is selfish of me to not consider how my loved ones to feel, why isn't it selfish for my loved ones to let me go. A lot of people have taken people off life support because their pain or whatever reason. What is the big difference when a person has given it an honest go for 50 years of trying to find happiness, but still go to bed at night wishing death. If I am still in so much emotional pain that at times I feel physical pain because of it. If I am so depressed that I am still crying myself to sleep. Let me go. This life isn't the last time we will see each other.

I know this may seem morbid but its how I feel. I am sometimes jealous of people who are successful in suicide. They are free of some of their pain. They get to move on from this stupid life where they have a chance to get some answers. The successful aren't suffering in silence anymore. If they are my situation they have been suffering in silence for years and don't feel like they can be open and honest about it. (I know people will tell me to be more open and honest, but its not that simple) I guess I just want to give a voice to the suicidal who are hanging on for others. I know its hard to see others leave you, but remember their quality of life is devastating. They just want relief from the intense pain they obviously feel.

When Singing About it I'm Starting to Doubt it

2011-05-29T19:05:00.003-06:00

I went to a concert last night to see this band Book on Tapeworm. Weird name I know. Any way I was chatting it up with this photographer. While were discussing our musc tastes she asked why I like so many depressing artists. The easy answer is that people usually want music that compliments my mood. Since I am usually in a depressed mood, its cathartic to listen to somber music. I also love sad movies for that same reason.

As I have thought about it more today I think that is because I have masked these intense emotions most of my life so I am making up. Then my thoughts brought me to the conclusion that its the genuine nature of the lyrics. The amount of vulnerability that it takes to open up through music attracts me.

So I will turn up my Dashboard and sing my heart out to Rocky Votolato. I will tear up while listening to the Cranberries. I will reflect when Regina is elegant chords. If you need some good ol' fashion depressing music, I'm your man. I know where the poetic lyrics are and the emotionally charged notes.

So I will leave you with some words from one of my favorite songs. This song will take you back. No Need to Argue by the Cranberries. This song is about a lost relationship, or at least that's my interpretation. I makes me think of the lost relationship I had with my father. Even though I don't ever remember ever having a good one, I assume it wasn't all bad in the beginning. I was the answer to his prayers, his first son. It seems like our relationship will never grow past pleasantries. I always figured it would end up this way with him but I gave an honest try.

There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad,
Is the one thing that I had,

I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

And I remember all the things we once shared,
Watching T.V. movies on the living room armchair.
But they say it will work out fine.
Was it all a waste of time.

'Cause I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

Will I forget in time, ah,
You said I was on your mind?
There's no need to argue,
No need to argue anymore.
There's no need to argue anymore.

PS the Title is a lyric from Emily Brown... Try to figure out which song.

Enter the Place I Have come to Fear the Most...

2011-05-29T11:13:00.006-06:00

I wish I was good with words. I want to be poetic like all those artist I love to listen to. I wish I could create music that told stories with great emotion. So I apologize for my poor writing skills, I am a science major after all. This post will won't be any different. I went to Michigan last weekend and had a great time. My trip was more than just a visit. It was an experience I needed to grow.
I got home from Michigan ready to conquer my life. Since the rain has been preventing me from working much, I have a lot of time to think. I tried to turn off my mind by watching movies and TV. However TV can only silence my mind temporarily and it looses its power after a while.
I watched Dan in Real Life last night. That movie awoke some buried emotions. I related to Dan's pain. I have never been in love and lost it. However I do know what its like to feel a lone amongst your loved ones. My sister commented on my distant behavior at Christmas this year. My withdraw was fueled by me feeling left behind. I was silently masking my pain. I can hear my family and friends telling me to just open up more. Maybe I should but habits are hard to break. I learned very young that expressing my pain only brought more pain to other's or myself depending on the ears that hosted. Even the damn response I would receive if I expressed my hunger was frustrating enough to detour me from expressing my feelings.
My favorite song is "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most." Although I am not a girl or wear make up, that song is basically about me. I have always had a facade masking the truth. A few years ago I "couldn't fake it hard enough to please." That's when all the suicide attempts occurred. That's when I started to distance myself from everyone, I ended my social nature.
I started a journey to become more honest, to erase my facade and expose my identity.
So who really is Mark May. Sometimes I'm not sure, but who is sure of who they are. I know parts of who I am. I'll save you the time and let you put in the cliche sunday school answers and move on to the more complicated truths. I along with most of the world, I need a committed intimate relationship. A relationship where discovery of one self is a partnership. A relationship where I know there is one person who accepts all of my faults and weaknesses, but helps me to change them.
This is where it gets complicated. I'm not attracted to women, but I am attracted to men. I have denied this fact and buried it deep with in. My shame has fueled the huge force field I created to keep the lie from myself. My friends outside of the church may not see the full conflict, but many of you do. I have a strong testimony of Christ, his teachings. I have a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon and the Priesthood.
When I finally became honest with who I am the conflict climaxed. I became very much aware of the homophobic nature of some of my loved ones, friends and family. I was hurt by the Church's direction in government policy. I was even more hurt by the comments from ward members, roommates, friends and family. I searched for answers from God, he wouldn't grant my desires. However he did have my pain in mind. He lead me into experiences and directed my meditation to help me work through this internal war.
During this God directed journey I have learned a few things. The first being my attraction to men is a product of my genetics. I did not choose this and it manifested itself very young. The second being I can't treat it as a secret. The secrecy only fuels the shame. Any compliment that came from others ended with my mind asking "but if you knew would you feel the same?" Then I learned that God made me this way. As stated in General Conference, God doesn't make mistakes. I am not sick, this isn't an illness. This is who I am. So do I live my life alone? Do I rob myself of happiness? Is this like blacks and the priesthood? Will the policy change? I don't know, I can't predict the future.
The most important thing I learned is that I answer to God and my Savior. The temple reminds me of that. I need to work to become Christlike. Through my meditations I learned to separate the Gospel from the tools and resources God has given us to guide us through this journey. The Church is only a tool to help me to become more Christlike. Just like everything else God has given us it is open to abuse. I have relosoved most of the conflict between my testimony and who I am.
What does this mean for me in the future? Who knows, we'll have to see. But I can offer a direction. I hope to find someone one to marry, male or female. Someone who I can share life with. Someone who is committed to our relationship and changing ourselves for the better. I am not limiting my options to just women because that is highly unlikely. I just know that I can not live a lone much longer. My pursuit for a partnership will continue but will not be limited to the gender.
I realize this is hard for many to understand. Some may disagree with me, even you the reader. That's ok. I just hope that it won't end our relationship in whatever stage it may be in. I am still Mark May. I still love to the Mountains, I still love Dashboard Confessional, a good show, TV, music, movie or whatever it may be. I will continue to pursue excellent health, set and reach for goals. Most importantly I continue to develop my relationship with our Savior.
I wrote this post as a coming out to the world. I have come out to my family and some of close friends. I don't feel like I need to have the coming out to every person in my life. It's just not my nature to have a conversation like this with every person. If I were heterosexual a discussion of my sexual orientation wouldn't be necessary. So I don't feel like it is important for me to come out continuously to every person I have am and have been friends with. However I do want to the truth to be out there so that I am obligated to be honest about who I am.

Goodbye I'll Miss You...

2011-04-25T00:04:00.005-06:00

So today was an emotional day for me. The emotion was building up from the beginning of finals. I had to say good bye to my group therapy gang, but fortunately we decided to say in touch. Then finals of coarse are a stressful time. Then once it was all over my roommates left. They either moved out or went home for the weekend. I quickly got bored. I had gotten all the cleaning and organizing done by friday afternoon. So saturday I realized I was where I was a year ago, I had free time but no one to spend it with. Today Devin was going to bless his daughter Lydia. I attended the blessing but came a little late and sat in the back. As I was sitting surrounded by couples I realized this was my future in two years. The loneliness continued to increase. Then my mind wandered to the fact that Devin and Ashley were leaving.

Devin has been there for me over the past few years. He took me to the hospital when I attempted suicide, he has held my wallet when I didn't feel like I could fight the temptation to drink. One taste of the being drunk could turn me into an alcoholic. He was there to listen offer guidance, validation and comfort. So naturally I was dreading loosing his support. Tonight I gave him a letter the talked about things I wanted to say to him for a while but never got the courage to say them. After he read the letter he called me and asked me over to talk. Because of some of the things I disclosed in the letter I was afraid our friendship would end. I was terrified of his response. I was so glad he asked me to come over and talk. I was able to release so much emotion and abandon fears. We cried together as we discussed the letter. The tears for me were full of pain and his were full of comfort.

The chat with him and his wife was what I needed. I am so thankful for his friendship, acceptance and brotherly love. I will miss him and his family significantly. So here is my homage to him. Devin thank you. You are a great person who will bless many lives. I am so glad that you have blessed my life. You have made my journey through this pain I face more bearable. Your acceptance has helped me start to accept myself. Thank you, I will miss our workouts, the dinners, and our chats. The good news is I know that you accept all of me and this distance won't ruin the friendship we share. I just realized this sounds like I'm saying goodbye to him because of death... but he is just moving. The good news is he is only a phone call away, or a text if he ever starts texting.

This Easter was by no means like any other. It wasn't focused on tradition by any means. However it was full of spiritual experiences. I also had a great chat with my sister on the phone. Today is one of the days I have felt God's love for me. I hope I will continue to feel his love. If tomorrow I wake up depressed then I hope I can keep this feeling in mind to get me through until the next experience where I feel God's love for me.

Green Zone the worst Matt Damon movie... but where I want to be.

2011-04-05T14:14:00.004-06:00

So this past weekend has been so great. You be thinking I'm another one of those crazy people obsessed with General Conference. The truth is General Conference did play a role, but because a talk spoke to me or because I was in the same room as the Prophet. No, it all started by going to my mission reunion. I went to the renunion to see my mission president and an old companion, Elder Southwick. I obviously got to see my mission president, it was at his house. Mitch didn't come though. However I did meet someone I served with but never got the opportunity to really know. We talked a bit there. I didn't think much of it. Then he messaged me later on Facebook. So I added him as a friend and did a little Facebook stalking just to learn more about him. I learned he has some of the same challenges as I do. In fact he wrote a book about. I asked for a copy. Thankfully he shared it with me.

This is when the magic happened. I read the book full of stories like mine in different stages of their journey. A couple weeks prior I had decided that I would fast for answers of how to deal with my trials. Even though I have done this many times I hoped this time would be different, because of General Conference. I have been struggling with the same questions for past few years and diligently seeking answers the past 2 years. My faith was definitely tested and many times I was frustrated.

However I received some guidance through the spirit. The thing it didn't come because I was particularly more righteous than previously. It came because that's the when it was supposed to. God helped me on his own time table for whatever reason. I'm just glad that now I have some guidance and have had my faith reaffirmed.

I still don't understand all that happened or why it was so significant. I still need time to process it all. I went from having the highest score on the OQ test (a survey I take every week for counseling), to dropping into an lower zone just in a matter of days. I don't know exactly what my life will hold from here on out but I feel like God has come back into my life. All I know is that friday morning I had my daily thought "Damn it, I'm alive." But it is now "Damn it, I hate mornings." (I don't think I will ever love getting up before the sun...) I hope this upswing, or down swing according to the OQ test, in my emotional health stays for a while. Maybe next year I'll be in the green zone of IQ test.

I am Left at the Sandy Ledge

2011-03-26T21:21:00.002-06:00

I had a great visit with my sister Rebecca a couple weeks ago. Ever since then I haven't been able to recover. My physical state is adequate but my emotional mindset got out of control. I stopped working out, running and studying. I started to eat all I could and didn't enjoy it. However I needed something to fill the pit in my stomach. I would have moments where I would push my self to be productive but the longest lasting upswing was only one day. Most of them only lasted hours. Something she said bothered me. She told me that we all want to be the one, but we will never feel that way in this life. We will have glimpses of it but never achieve it completely. I assume those glimpses come from our relationships with others. Since none of us are perfect yet we can never fulfill that desire to by the one and only. I recognized the logic and felt the truth of that statement.

I'm guessing that she told me that because she knows my strong desire to a companion in this life and the obstacles that are preventing it. I'm sure wanted me to have a more realistic expectation in case I am blessed to marry and have a family. It helped initially, but it didn't at the same time. I didn't make any sense to me. I marriage is treated as the most important mortal relationship. There is so much I will miss not being able to have this kind of relationship. I won't have a consistant companion. Nor will I be able to have that sort of connection with anyone in this life. Why is this so important to me? There are many who struggle with similar situations but they seem to find happiness.

I realized I was in search for more than just becoming the one and only. I don't want to feel alone anymore. The truth is ever since my family and I moved to El Paso Texas I have almost always felt that I was alone. Even when I am with the people who love me most I often feel alone. I go to a University with overly friendly people, attend a church where kindness prevails. Live in an apartment where my roommates genuinely care.

Even though I have been honest with family where genuine love prevails, I still feel a disconnect. I always thought that loneliness would be lost as a relationship with my wife would grow. The connection would grow throughout our lives and into the next. The only relationship where this is possible is a marriage. I may have to wait until another life.

A marriage relationship also can bring out the much needed validation I seek. I have spent my life seeking for validation that my existence is worth the trouble. I try to treat others better than I treat myself, partly to seek the validation and I don't feel worthy of such treatment.

I realized my purpose in life was to be the best contributor to God's plan as I can. My purpose was to marry, be the best husband I could be. I was to have a family and be the best father possible. I was to teach and learn from my wife. I was to be able to have a significant relationship with someone who would help be more like Christ. I was to have children to direct the to be Christlike.

The reality is my purpose in life has seemingly impossible barriers to overcome in this life. So what is my purpose without a family? What is my plan? How will I find happiness and grow. How will I become more Christlike?

Could this be the reason I can't seem to find happiness? I have yet to experience a relationship that ends the loneliness. I have had and still have great friendships with family and those I consider family. However circumstances change and the friendships change with it. The temporary partial connection is lost and I have to start over with new relationships. Who or what do I live for? How is happiness for me to be achieved in this life? Unfortunately the answers are currently unknown.

3.33 Miles and A Little Chat

2011-03-15T15:54:00.002-06:00

Distance: 3.33mi
Type: barefoot
Music: Libbie LInton/Tommy May
Speed: Kind of Slow - 8:20 minute/mi

So my run today was a little slow but that's ok. So during my run I thought about a few things. First I thought about the fact that I just got accepted to join a research team that is studying barefoot running! So naturally I was/am pumped to learn more about it. Find out how it affects the foot muscles and compare the five finger shoes to completely barefoot.

My thoughts turned to my relationship with my father. I came to a conclusion that might help me. I now that I am too sensitive to interaction with others. I also know that my dad is the opposite. That's what makes it difficult for us to have a good relationship. My dad needs to learn to be more sensitive, not only for my sake but for my mom. I need to learn to be less sensitive. I don't want rid my self of sensitivity of others but become less sensitive to others actions towards me. I think I have learned how to do this with most people. However I seem to fail at it with my father and a few others a lot like my father.

Then I talked with my brother Tommy for a little while. It was quick but nice. I like that I can talk on the phone while I run. We just talked about my new research opportunity and his research. It was good run.

My Runner's High Needs to Last Longer

2011-03-13T23:10:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I was feeling so good. I had a great race, endorphins were flowing. Then I had a great meal from the best restaurant in Provo... La Jolla Groves. My Saturday was so good that Sunday had to be as well. But damn it I was wrong. I have got to figure out a way to level out these up and downs better.

I'm sure the cause of my high and lows are a due to where I put my worth. I only feel good when I feel good about myself. I only feel good about my self when I achieve something. Something external is the only way I know how to validate my self. I know that validation of my existence should come from a divine nature, but it doesn't. I was conditioned at an early age to only believe that my worth only came because of what I did or accomplished.

I know that exercise and good diet are a perfect way for me to control my mood. However it only works perfectly if I am perfect at it. I have too many unrealistic expectations with results. I am too extreme with it and can't keep it up. I need to figure out something, my life depends on it.

To Hell with Shoes!

2011-03-12T17:12:00.002-07:00

So today I ran the Rex Lee 10k... barefoot. I was nervous because I had never run that far barefoot. My final time was 46:49. I listened to the playlist I titled "To Hell with Shoes." I felt it was appropriate. The playlist included some of my favorites from the Black Keys, Dashboard Confessional, Nelly, Jay-Z and others. I also included a few great catchy pop songs like "My life would suck with you," and "Stop and Stare." I know most runners say your not a real runner if you listen to music but I say nothing just give an unmistakable hand gesture. For me music is an important part of running, just like with any other aspect in my life. Music is my mentor, comfort, support and everything else I may lack.

I wanted to get 45 minutes but thought that was unrealistic. So I changed my goal to under an hour... or at least that's what I told people. My new goal only increased 5 minutes. I wanted to under 50. Good news... I did it. Of coarse I got frustrated with myself because I could have pushed harder. I am not sore now, nor did I through up after the race. So I could have done better. So now I am working on convincing myself that I should be proud of my time. I don't have the talent or running experience as most of the winners.

Next race... I don't know the only one I'm signed up for is the Utah Valley Marathon. However I will be doing the Freedom run. Maybe this time I will place in my division, but really I just hope to get top 10. I was only 2 spots away. Hopefully I will get a medal again like last year... it makes me feel like a winner.

My Language of Love

2011-03-09T21:13:00.002-07:00

So my sister just left and is back with her family. Now I have the post family blues. Oh well... One of the chats we had was about the languages of love. I took the test just now and found out for me its quality time. That was no surprise to me. I really enjoyed my time with Rebecca. I tried new dishes she cooked, went skiing/snowboarding, played the bells on campus, went to the temple and other mormon activities. I didn't really care what we did as long as we were spending time together. I think the reason quality time is my language of love because I come from a big family. When I was first born I received so much one on one attention. I was the first boy of six girls! Then things had to change because I had to learn to do things for my self... like walk. My mom would spank my sisters if they picked me up. In a big family its hard to for a parent to give one on one time. So maybe thats why I developed this language. I guess it could be genetics too. Who knows but its nice to know. Now I need to try to understand other friends language of love so I can recognize when they express it and how I should express my love for them.

Ode to Odes

2011-02-27T21:50:00.003-07:00

I have been listing to music for the past couple of hours. Just laying in bed imagining my heart being lifted by the sound wave of the melodies. My heart is heavy right now and requires powerful music. I often isolate my self with the world to allow attachments to the notes of the melody to carry me through each day. As time goes by I needed better ways to allow for the seclusion. Now I have headphones that do the job. Many people try to call to get my attention but with these sweet headphones my world is only me, the lyrics and the melodies. Music is always there to console me. It doesn't judge me. Music is always there when I ask it to be. It does flee in my most difficult times, in fact, it is the most present. That's why music is my best friend.

Barefoot but not Painless

2011-02-07T16:27:00.002-07:00

Time: Unsure
Pace: 8:45
Distance: about 5 mi
Type: Outside Barefoot
Mood Before: Angry
Mood After: Tired
iPod:
Artist: Heartless Bastards
Album: The Mountain

So this was the longest I have ever run barefoot. My calfs are witness to it. My left calf started to hurt within the first mile... that was weird. I forgot to push resume after waiting for a turn to cross the street. So my trusty iPhone didn't help me out with the stats this time... user error. I wish I had good insightful things that I thought about during my run, but I don't . I was mostly recognizing the pain in my legs. My legs tired a little to quickly, but running barefoot can do that. However the main reason I didn't think about anything deep is that I had a difficult weekend and then that was followed by a difficult session with my therapist. I snapped at her, I was frustrated with some of the things she was discussing. When she started comparing my possibly life long trail she compared it to school I snapped. I became too frustrated to sit quietly. I may have been too harsh. Then the day before I had a emotional breakdown at church in front of the congregation. My seat put me in good view of all and my sniffling was easily heard. If anyone in my ward read this, sorry. Any way I am so fed up with convincing myself everyday life is worth it. Now after my public water work display and taking my frustration out on my counselor I didn't want to think about anything related to emotion. So I thought about how cool it would be to have Matt Damon or Brad Pitt's body by the MCAT. However with my fat percentage of 20 it is near impossible or better stated improbable. So then I thought how cool would it be if my arms gained another inch and my fat percentage decreased into the healthy range. Since I am taking the MCAT in Michigan I thought it would be cool to be able to bench press my sister... or my brother in law. I'm sure they wouldn't go for it. So after day dreaming about how cool it would be to have a good physique my run ended So today my thoughts were turned vain. Oh well...

A Focus to inspire me to blog more...

2011-02-06T20:44:00.002-07:00

So I know I haven't been blogging much lately but I want to change that. I also want to be more regular about my running. So I decided to make my blog more of a running blog. I'm excited to start this. My runs are the time when I meditate the most. Running is for me is a major stress reliever and I use is to medicate my depression. My runs warrant some of the best meditating I ever do. So starting tomorrow I plan on starting telling the world... or those who happen to read my blog about my run. I'll start with the stats of my run then move on to good stuff. I'll talk about the things I thought about during my run and insights I gain. I hope you guys enjoy, and hopefully I'll be consistent. So check back tomorrow to see my stats, read my thoughts or don't.

I'm Back...

2011-01-27T22:17:00.002-07:00

It has been for ever since I have blogged. I friend reminded that I had one and realized I need to do some blogging. Any way things have been intense these few months. School is coming to an end and getting very hard. Even though it has gotten harder it has become more interesting. Looking back at my college career, which is longer than most, I realize I have learned way more than how to synthesize banana oil or be able to analyze a persons stride. My college career have been the hardest years of my life. I have and still am battling depression in an extremely competitive environment on top of the normal strains of college life. I just hope the stars will align in my favor and I will be able to fulfill my educational and professional goals.

Death-right

2010-08-10T21:40:00.000-06:00

you'll die young if you live so carefully / there
are risks you must take to pay this world / I
know it would never be that easy / I have not yet
earned the right to die / I want you to hear me
screaming / I want you to notice what goes on /
temptation and evil demons crawling the earth
hiding in every corner

I've seen men crippled in anger / the sun burns
alive in silence / I've seen men wallow in fear /
inaction acts as a blade across the throat / I'll
learn how to make decisions / I'll stick by my
word - won't let you down / I swear by the grave
that's calling / nothing will stop me from doing
what must be done

something here is still innocent / It doesn't
matter if you decide not to believe it / There
are still places where the magic can breathe / I
want to breathe it in / I want to lay down and
never leave

we're stalking the ancient mariner / through
waters he takes his lonely course / once powerful
once beautiful / extinction lingering these things
are no more / I love you I'll never leave you /
though I may be gone for years on end / I will
never be separate / lovers through the lives
before and after

something here is still innocent / It doesn't
matter if you decide not to believe it / There
are still places where the magic can breathe / I
want to breathe it in / I want to lay down and
never leave

Music Box

2010-07-27T22:46:00.002-06:00

So tonight I was thinking about the song music box by Regina Spektor. The song is excellent! Any way I am curious what Regina is really speaking. I don't think that she took meant it literally. She talks about life inside of a music box. I fell like that right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a box that limits my freedom. I am enclosed in this box by emotion. The extreme sadness acts as chains. I feel like no matter how hard I try I have to sing the sam song. I sick of singing my sad story. I just want away from everything that reminds me of my life. I think that's why suicide seems so pleasing at times. I realize I have live inside this box because I am broken. I want to experience things that are outside of the box. I am forced to continue living inside the box. Because the same thing is rehurst constantly i am costanly aware of the forces that keep me in the box. I love the lines, "Start to feel morality, I close my eye and think that I have found me." I feel like I can find myself. Any way I know this didn't make much. I keep dozing off while typing this. The point is I feel trapped and wish I could change it.

I want a six pack

2010-07-25T07:25:00.002-06:00

So many know that I've been working on not being fat. Even though I have lost a lot of weight. I still have a lot more to loose. I started a program at BYU called Y be fit. So far I have had all the tests done. One of the test was a bod pod. I found out that I am 50 lb. of fat and 24.4 % body fat. So that means I should loose about 25 lb. of fat. I discovered that I need to improve my HDL levels! Exercise will help that a lot. Everything is normal or in the good category. Today is the day that I will start calorie counting. The good news is that I got an iPhone app to keep track of everything I eat. It also has a database to look up foods. I'm going to start with 1800 calories a day. The app suggested that. I'll have to keep playing with the daily intake. Its about time that when I tell people that I am an exercise science major that I look like it.

I Want to Cut the Red One

2010-07-21T20:18:00.002-06:00

So I went on a drive trough the canyon. This always give me the chance to really see how I feel about anything. As I was thinking about how I could improve my mental state. I realized that I explain away too many suggestions from my therapist or ideas I come up with. So this self realization frustrates me. The simple solution is stop explain why something won't work and just try it. The problem with simple solutions is that the "simple" usually refers to the the phrasing and not the implementation.
So I searched for reasons why I can't just try the suggested strategies. I discovered it just came down to hope. I don't believe that I will ever be happy with myself. I don't believe things will change for me emotionally. I don't really have any more hope for emotional improvement then the four times I attempted suicide. The only change that I have made is that now I have made the decision to not let my family go through my suicide. Since my last suicide attempt I decided to try to find ways that I could live my life to mask the way I truly feel. Even though I can create the best mask, I still recognize its just a cover up.
This evening all my energy will go to staying away from the razor, the pills, and the cliff. I will just day dream of what my life could be with out such a f%#@ed up mind. Or maybe I'll day dream about the how it might feel to alleviate myself from the stress of the world. I can listen to some Death cab, dashboard, and rocky. While I listen I can envision my mortal release. Hopefully it'll come soon.

Micheal Moore Thank You

2010-04-16T22:17:00.006-06:00

So I just watched Capitalism: A Love Story. It was really good. I was thinking that I wouldn't agree with him as much as I did. Although the documentary may be biased it does pose great questions. What I liked most about the film was that Micheal Moore brings to light that capitalism has flaws. I have believed that for many years. I am tired of people talking as if is a perfect system. History proves that it is not perfect and needs regulating. I get so frustrated when people quickly dismiss me as a socialist or communist because I want to fix the flaws in our economy. We need protection from the rich. Our governments job is to protect us from tyrannical rule, including the cooperate America.

Any way during the documentary I went through many emotions. The best emotion I experienced was joy. I got to re-live Obama winning the election. That was one of the best days of my life. I'm so glad that he is my President and hope one day he will get the respect he deserves. I know that many people do not agree with my political views, but I think that we can agree on a few things. We want everyone to have the ability to pursue happiness.

Adaptation is an Eternal Principle

2010-04-03T20:53:00.004-06:00

So I was thinking today about our good friend Darwin and the theory of evolution. Thinking about evolution led me to think about adaptation. There has never been a time in my life where I didn't think that adaptation or evolution exists. To me its a proven theory. Thinking of adaptation lead me to ponder how it pertains to our species. I can see where humans have biologically changed through the course of history on earth, but not sure if I can pinpoint too many in recent years. I can pinpoint many adaptations to our social behaviors. Our social behaviors change rapidly and are becoming more and more global. Everything that we have innovated in the world has some kind of biological convenience. Including the things we later find out are bad for us in the long run... like alcohol, tobacco, fast food, promiscuity, etc.
After thinking about our social evolution I realize that the only way we are able to be so adaptable is because we are highly cognitive. We are highly cognitive because of our divine spiritual nature. Then it made me realize why we are the greatest creature on earth. We are the most adaptable animal on this earth. We can live almost everywhere in the earth's surface. If we can't sustain life there we can visit it. We have created so many choices of lifestyles that every person born can overcome almost every single challenge in life. I've recently learned I have take responsibility for my life no matter who is at fault for my deep depression. Once I take responsibility then I can adapt my lifestyle to trade my deep depression and change it to internal happiness.
Adaptation is the key to any challenge in our life whether its physical, emotional and yes spiritual. Adaptation is the principle that makes our weakness strong. We learn in what ways to change our behaviors to make up for a specific struggle. I think that is how God wants us to live our lives. He wants to realize our strengths and weakness so that we can change our behaviors.
Darwin observed this important principle in such a basic way. But like all the chemistry professors at BYU have stated "if you truly understand the principle there isn't a problem you can solve." I better understand the theory of evolution. Each of us must evolve into something better that is our purpose on this earth. The only way we can evolve into what we want to be is to adapt. Adaptation is the heart of the theory of evolution.

Ha! My friend sent me this...

2010-03-16T09:49:00.003-06:00

Not Even Human

2010-02-24T22:46:00.003-07:00

There is this new artist that I found. Her name is Angel Taylor. I don't know if any of you heard of her, but she is worth checking out. She has a beautiful voice and is talented. My only complaint is that I wish that she would be more diverse with her subject matter. Only one of her songs are about something other than romantic relationships. Don't let my one criticism deter you from checking her music out.

Any way I wanted to talk about one song that I really like. This song is about a girl who is broken by someone she loved. Even though this song is about a boy mistreating her. The song is called "Not Even Human." I'm listening to this song and my mind wanders to a book that I recently read, "Healing the Shame that Binds You." One of the points Bradshaw (the author) makes is that a person driven by toxic shame often believes he/she is either more than human or less than human. Angel Taylor is obviously thinking of the latter. I not only hear these words I feel their emotion. I could sing this song at points of my life to those who have hurt me. Many experiences have come to mind. Some of the worst experiences where when I was burned by those who I cared the most about, but that is not what I like most about the song.

As I ponder more I realize that I let these hurtful experiences consume me with hatred. Being consumed with hate only brings more hate until it spills into all facets of your life. This song doesn't portray hatred at all the tone of the music is more of disappointment. So further analyzation of the lyrics is appropriate. As I analyze it more I realize that this person, at first appearances, seemed to be a giving soul. Angel Taylor realizes it was all an act. She says that he is "not even human, just a lovely idea of one." That is where the feeling of disappointment comes from. I can relate to that now. My hate is gone but the void is filled with disappointment. Disappointment with those that deceived me and especially with my self.

I could sing this song to myself. So many times I have done things motivated by this toxic shame to hide myself. For so long I have been living a lie. I have deceived myself into believing I was someone I wasn't. Even if the truth is a fault, weakness or natural defect, living the truth makes me human. In being human, life becomes less stressful. If I am less than human I am consumed by guilt and self hatred. If I am more than human I become this eternally hungry ego. If I am human I realize my limitations and accept myself with my faults. That is where I want to be content that I a may make mistakes but willing to work on my faults.

Where Are Those Motha F@#$%!' Lights!

2010-02-02T23:34:00.005-07:00

So this new round of therapy has been really about self discovery for me. I read this book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. It was so enlightening for me. I realized that I was governed by what Bradshaw calls toxic shame. Unfortunately I have never gained the inner confidence needed to live a joyful life. Have I felt joy before? Yes. However I have never felt the joy of self. As a child I needed to know that I had worth. I was a victim of my father's criticism and rage. Before you count out my father keep in mind he was also a victim of the same crimes. The criticism and rage convinced me that I was flawed and a burden. I did have a great loving mother, but it must not have been enough. I'm sure most of her energy was spent on creating an environment that kept my father satisfied. I have never doubted her love for me and never can.

The problem is I don't know how I can let go of this toxic shame. This inner shame has been apart of my life ever since I can remember. It is how I have protected me from the emotional pain drives me to self destruction. Sometimes I am grateful and other times resentful for not succeeding. I can intellectualize my worth but I cant feel it. I want to have a that moment of self realization. A realization that I am worthy of success, I am worthy of praise, I am worthy of self love.

All I have now is my iPod to help me meditate on my life and how I can change it for the better. The only answers I receive are ways to get by. So tonight to get by my iPod will be on repeat till I fall into another colorless nightmare. As I listen to Coldplay's song Fix you, I will be able to get by for now and hope that tomorrow I will have the moment I desperately need to survive this hell that is my life.

Mark the Expected vs. Mark the ???

2010-01-29T22:23:00.003-07:00

As I am going through this hell that I have been enduring these past 2-3 years, I wonder if I'll ever recover. I question my full recovery because this despair is all inclusive. The deep depression has paralyzed me figuratively and literally. I have learned a lot throughout this process. I've learned ways to cope and push through. Those skills are useful but only heal the symptoms. In order to go back to a sense of normalcy I need to find a solution. Unfortunately a solution is not written out in plain English. God gave his answers in metaphors and generalizations.

Through out this process of healing I have learned a few things. I first realized that I was constantly engaged in a battle with myself. I learned I was dishonest myself. But the most damaging thing that I have learned is... I'm not sure I know who I am. I had created an alternate identity that was everything I thought was expected. I made others interests my own and took control of my environment.

I know all the generic answers to who I am so please refrain from meaningless cliches like "you are a child of God." Even though the cliche statements are often true they lose their effect by overuse.

When I say I don't know who I am, I'm saying I don't know what makes me unique. My looks make me perfectly unique, but my body doesn't define my soul. What are my likes and dislikes. Are my interests only developed to perfect my facade. Who is Mark the son of Donna and brother to 8. I would like to meet him, to know him and let him live.

Thankfully there are some aspects of my true self that I know and love. I know that I love music. Not that poppy crap filled with cheesy one liners and not even the carefully structured hymns (although some apply). The music that lifts me from the abyss is music with emotion. Music that if filled with tonal poetry. Music that uses poetry to tell a story, express an emotion, or bare the soul. I know that for many people music has the same effect, however for me it my only oasis. Nights like this one music is my savior. It brings back feeling to my numb soul. It expresses what I can't. Music even prevents self injury. Music has helped me escape so many dangerous situations including my death. So tonight to keep my heart beating I will let the lyrics rid my mind of thoughts of self destruction.

My First Work of Art... That I'm Proud Of

2010-01-24T21:34:00.003-07:00

So this is something that I drew/wrote the other night. It may seem weird but it was very therapeutic for me. I thought it looked cool too. I'm no artist but I hope you can appreciate the art I was trying to make. I made it while I was listening to Dashboard Confessional. These are thoughts I had while I was listening to him. Any way I though someone would enjoy it.

Just Watch Paper Heart...

2010-01-23T20:11:00.006-07:00

So I just watched the movie paper love. The movie is a hybrid between a documentary and story. I don't want to say too much about it... but I do think you should all see it. So watch the trailer. Then go rent it or put it on your netflix que. Here is the link.

http://www.paperheart-movie.com/?bcpid=19544619001&bclid=19855821001&bctid=19911092001

Bon Jovi Is Ruining Things... Sorry Misty

2010-01-22T11:27:00.004-07:00

So I have looked at tickets to see Dashboard Confessional's new tour. I was a little annoyed to find that they will be opening for Bon Jovi. I can get over that. There is now way in hell that Bon Jovi even comes close to the quality of Dashboard Confessional. So whatever I'll leave or just crowd surf during his performance. The annoying thing is that Bon Jovi is going to bring with him annoying concert goers. The middle aged people who either have not given up on their glory days in the 80's (which i don't mind as much) or the middle aged couples who are trying to be fun by going. I have no objection for these people for wanting to go, but if you are going to save a space on the general floor you will annoy me. There will be pushing and spooning. That is how it is get over it.

The most frustrating thing about Dashboard performing with Bon Jovi is the ticket price. The general admissions tickets are 131 dollars with out the service charges. So if I go I can only be far a way. I am very disappointed. My favorite band is coming but is charging too much for the tickets and is touring with a 80's pop star. I know that my sister Misty may disagree with me. She is from the 80's. She and her husband would be the couple that has sense. I see her recognizing that she wouldn't want to deal with the pushing crowd on the floor. She would purchase tickets where she could be safe in a great seat. Sorry Misty Bon Jovi can be fun... but he never will take priority over Dashboard Confessional.

No One's Got it All

2010-01-17T22:37:00.004-07:00

So there is a song by Regina Spektor that has really caught my attention. The song is called Hero. I heard it from the movie 500 days of summer. This movie is seriously so good. You should see it. Any way I'm not sure what the song is about, but by the tone and the few lyrics it seems pretty dreary. It seems to me that she is pointing out that everyone has flaws. The great thing about the lyrics is the questions it provokes.

One of my theories to the meaning of the song is one of our misconception of who the hero is. I think that she is talking about how America is only worried about our happiness. That America's assistance to others is really a vain pursuit. American's need to feel better about there uses of the abundant resources attained. So when she says "I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved." Regina could be referring to the fact that she may not have all the average American has, but she has contentment.

Another thought that this song brings to my attention is about accepting that we have flaws. When I say accept I don't mean to keep our flaws. I am talking about accepting that we have them and its OK. The problem is not facing them and correcting to best of our ability.

I love music it is the best past time for me. I hope someday to share my love of musical poetry with someone. I love to analyze it and feel the emotion of the song.

I Could Use a Turpentine Chaser About Now

2010-01-12T22:32:00.003-07:00

I really don't know where I'm going to go with this... but I just know I need to express myself. So what do I feel right now... nothing. My mind has turned on its defense mechanism and blocked all emotion. Because I can't feel anything emotional I want to know I still exist. Which explains why my first thought was "this scalpel would be a perfect," when I was straightening the supply closet in the ER. I knew this was coming I knew my depression would come back. I just thought it would be later in life.

I have lost control. I have resorted back to self destructive behaviors. Its hard to leave the house at times. It just takes so much energy to care about anything. The good news is when I listen to music... good music, I am lifted. The lifting doesn't refer to my spirits, but to my despair from my soul. When a song speaks to me I can let it grab hold of my despair lift it from soul. When my despair is momentarily lifted I can not only see it, I can examine it. The melody grabs hold of the despair I feel and lyrics replace fantasies of death.

Even though I have a great family, I still feel so alone. I know they love me the same way Christ loves me but my psyche won't allow my body to feel it. Its not fair that I can't control who's love I accept. I need the control back and don't know how I lost it. Luckily my psyche will allow my iPod to grab hold of my soul and temporarily lift it from the my deep rooted despair.

A Conversation With Myself.

2010-01-09T21:57:00.003-07:00

If my life was a musical the following song would be appropriate. This is the song Water and Bridges by Dashboard Confessional. I broke it down into parts for My Persona and My Soul. Its a conversation between the two in Musical form. I also changed the word girl to myself.

My Affectation: There's things I know I should have mentioned sooner. But I didn't know how. I'm sorry I lost you, I never thought that this could come between us, I know its water and bridges now
My Soul: But what's the sense in carrying around

My Affectation: This weight, these words are tearing me apart
My Soul: And that's enough for the back to break,That's enough for a mouth to take

My Affectation: But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away

My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man

My Affectation: I'll make the best of the best I can, And I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance

My Soul: That face, I know exactly what you're thinking

My Affectation: But I'm certain this time is different

My Soul: And that's why I can't pretend that everything is mended

My Affectation: I know I've tried to for too long now
My Soul: But what's the sense in carrying around, This weight, these words are tearing me apart, And that's enough for the back to break, That's enough for a mouth to take

My Affectation: But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away
My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man, I'll make the best of the best I can
My Affectation: And I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance
My Soul and Affectation: Oh save me from a grey life. Oh save me from a grey life
My Persona: I paid the price with my soul
My Soul: Oh save me. And that's enough for the back to break
My Affectation: That's enough for a mouth to take. But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away
My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man. I'll make the best of the best I can and I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance
My Soul and Affectation: If I ever get my chance. If I ever get my chance. If I ever get my chance.

In Case You Were Wondering... These are Names I Like

2010-01-08T12:06:00.004-07:00

So I'm at the hospital and its slow. I started thinking about names for my future children. So I will list them.

Boys: Ender, Devin, Adonis, Marley, Emery, Clark, Poseiden

Girls: Amira, Kamila, Nadria, Athena, Hayley, Ira

I know that some of these names maybe out their, but I like uncommon names. I was talking to Misty and Colby about how I feel about names over the Christmas Break. I want my children to define their own name. Many people name their children after someone important to them. Even though I have nothing against it for other families. I've heard people talk about who they were named after their great grandpa or their favorite artist or whatever. Sometimes they talk about trying live up to that name. I just want their name to help represent their individuality. Also I hate middle names. There is not reason for them as far as I'm concerned. So their is a piece of my mind.

Untold Storys of the ER... From a volunteer Episode 1

2009-11-22T20:34:00.004-07:00

******Disclaimer******

Names have been changed to protect the identity. The mental images that come to your head may be graphic. Reader discretion advised.

Sundays I volunteer in the ER. This sunday started out very typical, I was stocking the carts. Unfortunately most of it was done already. I found things to do, like clean the supply closet. Which is really frustrating because its probably is just as unorganized by now and my 4 hour shift ended 40 minutes ago.

Now to the juicy stuff. As I was doing my "rounds," asking patients if they wanted anything, like something to drink, a blanket, or food. I saw some one being wheeled into the star room. (the star room is the where the life and death situations occur) One of the perks of volunteering is to see these situations. I hesitated entering for a bit, but went for it.

I entered and just listened and watched the medical staff do there thing. It was amazing! There were 3 doctors, 4 nurses, an EMT and me. Yes me. I got to help a little. My role will be explained later in this episode. It was just like when you watch the real ER show. Doctors and nurses barking out stats and orders.

Paul, the patient, had been intentionally hit by a car. The incident was gang related and Paul waited 2 hours to come into the ER. Paul was intoxicated as well. When he entered the Star room he was not talking or responding to anyone. As time went on he started to respond randomly to the doctors and nurses. They were extremely concerned about an head injury.

Paul was not staying still. This is where I came in. A nurse asked me to get 3 inch tape. I brought it over and taped Paul's head down. The attending speaks and starts to give orders. He wants xrays and ct. A doctor was already doing an ultra sound.

The ultra sound looked good on the right side but on the left side the doctor could not make out anything. Paul really need to get more precise imaging. The xray technician came in and performed a few xrays and confirmed broken ribs.

It was time to go to CAT scan. My help was asked of again. I helped get him prepped to make the journey. When we arrived at CAT scan I help move him from the bed to the machine. As he was receiving the CAT scans I watched the screen. In the room with me was two nurses (Casandra and Sally), an EMT (Chris), a radiology tech (Seinna) and the Attending (Dr. Wellington). As we were waiting for the CAT scan I got the courage to talk to Dr. Wellington, the attending. It was amazing it wasn't a great conversation, just getting to know him a little.

When the imaging was available every eye was watching to see the damage. I saw that his heart was working in overtime. I wasn't surprised because he was having a hard time breathing. I saw some broken ribs. Then I saw his abdomen. Wow his right side was all messed up. His right kidney was in the middle of his abdomen. It was hard to see a lot of the right side. It was probably bleeding making hard to see.

Once he was done with CAT scan I helped transfer him from the CAT scan machine to the gurney. We took him back to the ER where another doctor gave him an exam.

Unfortunately that is where my story ends. I had to leave to get home for dinner. I'm sure they took him to surgery shortly after I left. I probably won't know how it ended for Paul, but I was glad I was there to observe and to help.

This experience just solidifies my resolve to become a doctor. Helping out in the ER has made really think about becoming an ER doctor. I feel more at home. I have always know I think clearly in intense situations. So I think that my second home my become an ER somewhere in America.

My New Medication

2009-11-15T08:58:00.002-07:00

So I've been training for a marathon. Those familiar with the training process know that there is a day where you have a long run. My long run isn't that long yet but for a beginner like me eight miles can be challenging. I've been sore the past couple of days so when my Saturday run came I was contemplating whether I should run or not. I came to the decision that I should take a break. Besides I workout everyday for at least and hour and the marathon isn't until June 12.

So I went on with my day, the usual Saturday cleaning. Even though I wasn't going to run for a long time I was going to run later in the day. Well when it came time to run... I said screw it and I ran 8.4 miles. It was great! I felt good while I was running and when I got home I felt like I could keep going. While I was lost in the area of Denver called Green Valley Ranch I realized that I have a new drug. Get ready for this Sariah... its running. Yes I am so surprised I finally got the running bug. It is just so exhilarating to to run for an hour or so. It clears your mind and relaxes you. So I say forget about Zoloft or Prozac. Running is my medication and its common side effects are very desirable.

The Motions

2009-11-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

From small pins to fiery burns,
These are the signals of my dying nerves
Singed by the heat of your lines and curves
Into a fire that could scorch the earth
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through 'em
But I can't remember how to feel
If this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical
Oh if this is chemical
Then I am not afraid to be bound to the impulses of science
If this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Then I am not ashamed to be owned by the impulses
From small shocks to surgin' bolts
These are the signals of my spinal post
Sent down the wires through their lines and folds
Into a riot on my frontal lobe
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through 'em
But I can't remember how to feel

Chris Carrabba

Feeding My Self an Idealistic Future

2009-10-25T21:48:00.002-06:00

So i was just reading my scriptures about Sariah... not my sister Lehi's wife, was really worried about her sons. I'm sure her frustrations drover to make the accusations she did toward her husband. She called him a visionary man. Lehi doesn't deny his visions to here but tells her that his visions are what are saving them. His exact quote was "I know that I am a visionary man."

Now I'm going to take this out of context a little but I think its OK. I thought I'm a visionary man too. I'm not saying that I have divine visions. I'm saying I have visions of my future. Today I'm not who I want to be or where I want to be, but I can see where I will be. I have my visions of my self that I need to work for.

I know, I know I'm just using vision for the word goal but I like it better. It seem less cliche and you all know how I don't like cliches. Any way its my visions that give me the motivation to continue and work hard. When I start to loose those visions my hope starts to dwindle.

So I feel like I really have learned something today about myself. The times when I am most motivated are when I am working to fulfil my vision. I need to be a visionary man.

Believe it or not Mark's walking on air

2009-10-13T21:52:00.005-06:00

So today was my first day in the ER at the hospital. I was really nervous because I didn't want to ruin this great opportunity. As I was waiting to be orientated I was pulled away by Albert (an EMT) and taken back to assist with triage. I was helping with IVs, blood draws, vitals and all other sorts of stuff. I was shocked I was able to do all that... but I could! I started to feel somewhat like a medical professional. Even though I was nervous I wasn't nervous about doing in any of the tasks. It was the usual meeting new people nervousness. I felt so much at home. I jumped into action where needed. I saw interns, doctors, etc. discussing patients and treating them and it felt normal and so right.
I've been worried if I could handle the task of Medical School, but I know now where I belong. Is like I discovered myself for the first time. I feel a huge sense of euphoria. Before my experience today euphoria only came from music, however it wasn't complete. I new that I could never be a musical poet. I knew it wasn't me, even though I wish I was. I love how Matt is a musical genius, but I knew I didn't have his gift. Today I felt that euphoria and knew that could be me. So today was a real turning point in my life. My drive is stronger, therefore my abilities are greater.

If I Do, So Do You.

2009-09-24T22:13:00.003-06:00

So I was thinking about the tradition of asking the father for his daughter's hand in marriage. Many of you know I hate that tradition. I think that it is demeaning to me and my future wife. Our decision to get married has nothing to do with her father. I know it's tradition but there are a lot of traditions not worth keeping.
If this tradition was important to my future spouse I would do it. I wouldn't like it but I'd do it. I came up with a way for me to feel a little better if such an occasion. I will require my future spouse to ask my mom if she can marry me. If I have to do a useless exercise so will she. I say useless not because I don't think my mom will have a hard time "giving me up," or that I don't care what she thinks. Its useless because I know my mom respects and trusts my decisions. Therefore if i have to ask so does she.

The Good Fight?

2009-09-23T21:41:00.004-06:00

Once there was a man. This man was just an ordinary guy trying to do good and make his world a better place. He did everything in his control to make his world perfect, but it wasn't. In fact his world was a joke. You know the story... we see it in the movies and sitcoms. Some nice guy (or girl) is at work making life better, not just for him, but for others too. But there is always comical opposition, whether its accidentally lighting the backyard on fire or tripping and pulling down the curtains while trying to stop from falling. Except this is real life and much worse. He constantly tries to fix his mistakes and unfortunate events. The clean up is wearing him down. However what destroys him isn't the clean up... its the guilt. You see he takes responsibility for everything that goes wrong, even the unfortunate ones. This man is broken to the point that he struggles with the basics. Things will change for him soon.
Now this is where you finish the story for him. Consider the odds and the obvious. Does this man give up a greater good or continue as he planned? What is right for him? Is it right for him to care so much or is that one of his flaws he needs to fix? How good is the fight?

Public Service Announcement

2009-09-11T09:33:00.003-06:00

I need to let everyone know that Chris Carrabba has finished his latest album "after the ending." I am so excited because this means new music form one of the most talented musicians. Also this means that I will see Dashboard Confessional very soon when he starts touring. It has been almost a year since I have seen him in concert. I needed a fix. The album will be released November 10th. Let the countdown begin!

Can We Please Behave Like Adults

2009-09-09T21:21:00.005-06:00

OK so I have kept fairly quiet but I'm sick of all the put downs and lies. Lets make things clear. Obama is not a socialist. His plan with a government option is not socialism. A public option will help anchor the cost of health care. Private insurance companies will still exist. So capitalism will still be part of the picture. Capitalism has flaws. Capitalism is based on ones greed. When people are vulnerable and desperate they will do just about anything. Death makes people extremely vulnerable. So health care cost doesn't respond normally in the market. So we need legislation to control the health care market. We have not had that control. So insurance companies do what makes them money. They make money by people enrolling in their plans and not making claims. So the insurance company does what they can to accomplish the goal of profit. We also need that competition of a capitalistic market. So a public option acts as a non profit insurance to bring down and anchor the cost of health care. People without health care who end up in the emergency room often can't afford the cost, so doctors and hospitals don't get paid. Doctors need to cover their expenses so they raise their prices. Health insurance companies raise their premiums and/or cut coverage. More people can not be covered because of health care premiums are too high. So capitalism has not worked for us. A public option makes it possible to control prices and still have competition. Most of the problem with health care is the insurance companies, so its should be called health insurance reform.
I am sick of all the childish bickering. People need to discuss the issue like adults and control our emotions. Politicians and political commentators need to be open minded and discuss solutions. Its understandable that we won't agree on everything. That is what makes America so great. We need another great compromise. Name calling and attacking, attacking others character and negativity is counterproductive.
So on that note I wanted to share a couple of my favorite quotes form Obama's speech last night.

"That is heartbreaking. That is wrong and no one should be treated that way in the United States of America. "

This quote references to victims of our current health care system.

"Our health care problem is our deficit problem"

Health care costs are major factor in our deficit

"The time for bickering is over"

This is funny and true at the same time. We are not arguing effectively to produce solutions.

Maybe Take My Shoe Laces and Belt Away

2009-08-16T21:38:00.004-06:00

So even though I moved out early, due to extreme conflict with a roommate, I had a great weekend. I got to spend some time with friends and it was great. I talked to my Mom, which is always good. I find myself wishing I could bleed out these feelings. I don't know why my mind thinks if I bleed I'll feel better. Maybe its not feeling better just feeling different.
I watched the Best Two Years and my depression revisited me when I saw the Elder depressed. I feel like I don't have a purpose any more. I know the generic and general purpose. But what is Mark's purpose. How am I going to make this world better? I don't even know why I die anymore? The only reason I keep going is because I don't want to disappoint my family and good friends. This will keep me going for now but will keep me going on when that isn't enough? I have to figure it out... SOON. However maybe I'll get lucky and I won't wake up in the morning. Yes its seems bad but waking up to this life isn't any better. So good night... hopefully for good.

Disenchanted

2009-07-30T22:54:00.004-06:00

So today I thought a lot about the song "Disenchanted" by My Chemical Romance. I just wanted to understand it better because I love it. I know what thoughts and feelings it provokes in me, but I wanted to understand the thoughts and feelings of the author. So after analyzing the lyrics and musical tones. I really think that this song is an exchange between two people one the teacher and the other the student. I think the teacher is frustrated because his or her pupil is not getting the message. The teacher knows what will help the student, but is not being received.
The melody I think brings a sense of hopelessness. I think this comes from the student. I think the student knows the teacher is right but thinks its too late to change. Now the student is stuck in the same pattern of decisions and will have to live with consequences. The student has become disenchanted. He felt like before his life was a grand skeptical of fun and excitement, or dare I say enchantment. However he realizes a lot of his overly positive out look took him from reality and now he has to get back to happy medium.
The lyrics cry out desperation for change while the melody crys personal failure. I know that is how things are in life. We can be logically explained principles but we cannot live by them unless we feel those principles. Sometimes the only way to get the feel of these principles is by experience.
That is where disenchanted comes in. At times in our lives we have moments where we are hit by the reality of our poor choices. We are no longer in a state of personal acceptance. However we are in a state of "disenchantment." We are no longer living a dream, but a nightmare. Unfortunately I am in the season where enchantment left and I am with a glass half empty. Some how I have to find my fairytale plot line live with my half full glass.
I'm have a sleep right now so hopefully it makes sense.

This is From Mt. Nebo...The pictures speak for themselves.

2009-07-26T20:08:00.002-06:00

My Campsite and Going down the Glacier

2009-07-25T19:19:00.005-06:00

Living the life of a Mountain Goat

2009-07-25T18:43:00.008-06:00

A view while hiking to the top.

This is a Picture at the top of a Mountain.

A nice view of flowers... my phone can only do so much.

This is where I camped

Some more Flowers.

I camped among these goats... there were many more goats.

I love flowers... I wish I had better pictures.

I love this ground cover

A picture of me along the way.

Something you could enjoy if you go on the same hike.

These flowers were everywhere toward the summit.

This is me at the top of Timp. You can see Utah county.

Will I Die Championless?

2009-07-16T22:41:00.004-06:00

So tonight I'm full of a lot of emotions. It started out as anger. My lazy ass roommate Bryce can't seem to clean up after himself after his huge meal last night with his girlfriend. His girlfriend had to come help him clean his room. Seriously he is like a little child. Then I was angry because I drove all the way to REI and it was closed. Although I am very angry I am also very depressed. I don't want my sentence of Hell to be over. I thought I was doing well this summer but obviously I am not. What else does God want from me. What else can I do. It doesn't help that I live with someone who I trusted and sacrificed so much for turned out to be a big ass hole. I am reminded of the pain he caused and is still causing every day.
So here I am again lying in bed fighting sleep to avoid the awful dreams that will come. Being so tired I won't be able to fight it off for too long. My energy to keep doing the right thing is fading fast. These obsessive thoughts create lengthy battles within my neurons. My only defence from the urges to bleed is to remind myself that I'd probably have to explain the bandages. I guess I'll keep up the "Good Fight" and hope that I don't wake up again.

Wow! I Thought Tea Parties Were Meant to be an Event Full of Love, Happiness and Acceptance.

2009-07-06T20:03:00.003-06:00

So today I was just browsing my friends facebook pages. I came across some pictures that an old friend had where she and her family attended the Denver Tea Party. This is the first time I heard of this. I must have missed this in the news because of finals week. I read the signs that the protester made. They seemed to be anti-Obama rhetoric. So I had to do more investigation. I read about it for a little while. I quickly realized that this was associated with the ultra conservatives. This may be too judgemental of me but it seemed like the dumb ass Sean Hanity would have loved to be there.
So I just wanted to share my feelings about some of the signs. First the one my friends were holding. "Don't Mortgage My Child's Future" My response well if Bush didn't ruin Clinton's hard work to get us out of debt maybe we wouldn't have to borrow so much money. The next sign I want to comment about is "Can I just send my Taxes to China?" A sarcastic wow is appropriate here. Another sign Keep your Change "I'll keep my freedom, Guns, and Money" Well if we kept up with Bush's plan China would own us. Obama will never take away our freedom, come on people he doesn't have that much power. Try learning about the way the government works. If you want to keep you freedom then you need to give up some of your money to the government to help it run and so that China won't own us. As far as the guns I do agree I think that guns should be regulated but not so hard to own. I support peoples right to own a gun, even if I have no desire to own one myself. So the next sign that needs to be commented on says "Don't tax me, Bro!" I don't know if you realized that but it takes money to have a good government and all the programs many people enjoy. We have one of the lowest taxes in the world, please educate your self. If you don't want to mortgage your child's future then you are going to have to pay more taxes.
So I don't know how much my friend has thought about these views she hold or her explanations. However if her arguments are like Sean Hanity's then she needs to study the truth and re asses her views. I realize many are afraid of Obama's plans and that is ok. That is what is so great about America, we are free to have and express our opinions. Obama won't change that. Lets be more rational and logical. Speak and think with your heart and don't forget your mind. They need to work together. So to end this blog we need another sarcastic Wow for all those Sean Hanitys out there in America.

I'm Sorry You Parents Have Trouble Controling Your Kids, But Don't Put That Evil on Me.

2009-07-05T23:02:00.004-06:00

So I volunteered at the Freedom Days on the fourth. I have in the past and I liked it. This time I had a rough day. I'm guessing it was as rough as it was because I didn't eat much that day. So I was first put on duty at the Jumping jungle gym blow up thing. I was just told only 8 at a time. So I formed a line and let 8 in at a time. it took a little while to get it a good organized flow. Once there was a good flow I was asked to man another blow up jungle gym thing. This one was much more chaotic. I was given no instructions. There was no limit to amount of children. So I stood at the end where there was a slide and regulated the kids the best I could. I figured out that I needed to instruct the children to continue the flow and not linger at the end of the slide. Some children would try to climb back up the slide. This was not safe with so many children on the blow up jungle gym thing. I was yelled at parents a lot for other kids behavior. The worst time was when I went up to direct a kid down the slide and prevent him from going backward through the blow up jungle gym thing. Well a father came and yelled at me and told me don't touch my child. While I do understand the father's concern. The father needed to a better job of watching his child. I had called out to his son many times before I attempted to help him. This man was accusing me of wanting to take his child. I was done with being yelled at by parents for their negligence. I told the man I was doing my job. He continued to yell at me. So I told him his son was no longer welcome on the blow up jungle gym things. This was not the only parent who tried to make the blow up jungle gym thing their babysitter. One mother, although she did try to control her kids, allowed her son to go on the blow up jungle gym thing with a bloody foot. So I had to shut it down and disinfect the blow up jungle gym thing. I was hard keeping children off of it because parents kept telling their kids they could go on it. A sarcastic wow is appropriate at this point.
It was very frustrating to be yelled at for volunteering my holiday to help other have a good time for free. I do enjoy serving others but would expect that the parents would be the difficult ones to control. I thought it would be the children, however, it was the children who minded the best. Once again a sarcastic Wow appropriate. After I ate much later in the day, at about 8:30 I felt better about my day and realized I had more fun than frustration. My 4th was a success.

5 Kilometers, One Hill and a Crashing iPod.

2009-07-05T08:39:00.015-06:00

So I ran my first race it was great. I can't say the run was actually fun, cuz it was so hard for me. I will say this though it felt good at that end. I prepared the night before my clip was on my shoe, clothes were ready, and I went to bed early. So the race came, I started out way too strong. It was just too crowded with people, I had to get out of there. I kept a strong pace for about a mile and half. Even though I was running at a good pace this little 8 year old girl passed me. She ran so effortless and with perfect form. Then the worst thing happened... my iPod crashed! As many of you know about my iPod going to heaven (if you don't read the public service announcement). I was able to revive it and its hanging on. Once my iPod died that was it. The race started to get hard and I slowed down. As I was coming up that blasted hill I thought many times I can't do this and was going to walk. I pushed forward. I kept running... slow. Then I was almost at the finish and my friend Jeff caught up. I thought he had past me by then. As we were trying to finish strong some other 8 year old girl passed us. We finished the race strong and with the exact time. Now my goal was to get under 24 minutes. Well I completely failed. My time was 25:38. I may not have achieved my goal but I finished my first race. So enjoy the pictures. The blond guy is my good friend Jeff.

We Don't Need No More Truouble

2009-06-30T22:54:00.004-06:00

So tonight I watched a great movie. The movie is called Amazing Grace. It was an excellent film with a even better story to tell. I know some of you who have seen it are like "What?! Mark you just now saw it!" Well I agree with you it is my type of movie and I loved it. Today was a good day to watch it too. Earlier today at work I was teased by my co-workers, nothing out of the ordinary. I always get teased about my ideals and convictions. I'm sure that they think I am naive to stand by some of the things I say. Any way we stopped at Wal-mart for soap for washing windows. Many of you know I have personally boycott Wal-mart. I knew there was going to be teasing. As usual I try to control it. So I set them up so that I could control it. This method usually works, but today I ruined it. The problem is I sometimes take things to seriously, especially when I am tired. I was definitely tired today.
Any way I got frustrated because my friend/co-worker was saying that Wal-mart was no different than Smith's or Target or any other big corporation. To a degree he is right. However he doesn't seem to understand why I hate Wal-mart. Wal-mart doesn't only hurt small business in rural America, but the corporation lies, cheats, and takes advantage of the poor citizens in not only our country but others. I have read and heard too many stories of Wal-mart's horrible management.
I don't want this to be a rant about Wal-mart so I'll move on. What was upsetting to me is that his attitude was so pessimistic. Many, like the dumb ass Sean Hanity, would say that my friend was just being a realist. I think that there is a difference between a realist and pessimist. A realist sees the world as it really is. Our world is filled with corrupt people. The difference between a realist and a pessimist is that a pessimist sees that person/ or thing as unchangeable. A realist sees that person or thing as stubborn but definitely not changeable. Isn't that the whole point of agency is to change who you are to a better you? Realism is not accepting things the way they are but realizing that everything can change.
The movie Amazing Grace reaffirmed to me the true meaning of realism and strengthen my convictions to change what I can. To all those that think that Obama is just our campfire leader leading us in a song of Kumbaya remember that Love is the best motivator to become better. That is what Christ taught us. So many love and follow him because he loved us so much. Like Bob Marley says "One love, one heart lets get together and feel alright."

This is a Public Service Announcement!

2009-06-20T09:51:00.002-06:00

This is a public service announcement to provide warning. Mark May's iPod is DEAD! It happened approximately at 8:21 this morning while Mark was jogging on the Provo river trail. Mark was running and thought his battery had died. Mark has since then charged it and is not functioning at the moment. Due to this crisis you may want be easy on Mark. When Mark doesn't have his daily dose of poetic music he may become irritable. You may need to approach him with caution. Mark becomes unpredictable and can attack at any moment. Also do not ask him to spend money. All extra money will be saved until he has raised enough to purchase a new iPod. If you follow these instructions you might remain unharmed. However you just don't know what Mark is capable of. Thank you and take great caution.

I know This is Late but Who the Hell Cares as Long as You Get to See Them

2009-06-18T13:38:00.009-06:00

If you would go hiking you could stare at this while you are just living.

Seriously no landscaper can recreate this in someones yard.

The best flowers are natural

This was random

Once again landscapers have tried and cam close to recreating this but they always fail.

Many People Don't Know that California is Where my Roots Are.

2009-06-18T13:23:00.008-06:00

This is an Awesome Oak tree just out in the hills by Concord. There were "happy" cows of California. I didn't think they were too happy, look at their food.

This is the awesome veiw of the hills in Concord

This is at the Marina. My Grandpa helped build that bridge!

This is a freakin sweet Tree!

This is a sea lion relaxing at Peir 39. Peir 39 was my favorite

Back to Provo, Depression and Loneliness

2009-06-17T21:22:00.005-06:00

So I just got back from California. Wow was it an adventure! I had a great time and am so glad to be home in Provo. We only took on fun day in San Fran, but I enjoyed everything (except knocking doors). I do have pictures and I'll put them up sometime. Any way I just wanted to note a couple of things. First it was so nice to have a friend to hang out with, even if it we were working the whole time. I know I have friends but they are all married so I don't get to spend as much time with them as I like. I guess I could be a pest and come over all the time, but no one likes that. It was so nice to get to know someone better and have great meaningful discussions. Even if I'm not so smart and experienced.
Second it was so nice to see my friend Jeff re-unite with his family. I could tell that he missed them a lot. When we pulled in to his drive way and his wife saw him she was so excited. His boys were just as excited to see him. I could tell that Jeff was a great father and husband, no matter what he thinks.
It was really nice to see that reunion. I want that in my life someday. A family that I can devote my life to. Whether I end up having the traditional family (i.e. father, mother, daughter and son) or a more nontraditional family (me and those I help in far away countries) I want that same unconditional love with someone I care for and about. But until that day when I feel like I can connect with others on a full time basis. I will continue to travel this road of life a lone. As for right now I'm going to watch south park to block the nociceptor of my emotional network.

I'm Just Gonna Take a Minute.

2009-06-15T00:34:00.004-06:00

So I know I just blogged but I'm going to do it again. So I had a great discussion with my friend Jeff mostly about inner moral conflicts. I really enjoyed the discussion because I now understand him and know him more. By learning about him and his feelings and thoughts I was able to correct some of my thoughts and feelings. I know my logic is not perfect and I find many contradictions. So I always try to look for ways to make my logic more correct.
After discussing many topics with Jeff I have learned some good ways to correct my logic. I have learned a greater understanding of the south and its past and current situation. I feel much more comfortable with the confederate flag and most importantly I re learned that I need to broaden my understanding of others.
The best part of the discussion with Jeff is that I felt like I mattered and made a difference while talking to him. I never know if I'll ever come out of this depression, but its nice to hear someone still think you are worth it when you feel you aren't worth shit. I want to thank him for his friendship and hope that I will gain the courage soon. But if not and he reads this. Then I'd like to say "thank you, Jeff. You have helped me more than you realize. Your assistance seemed to b e involuntary because it didn't seem like you trying to help me. I felt like you were just being yourself. Thank you."
Every night I go to bed and wish death by morning. However, tonight I look forward to a morning where I will accomplish great things, be successful and do it all alive.

Emancipate Yourself from Mental Slavery!

2009-06-14T21:40:00.003-06:00

So this week I ended up in California. To catch everyone up its raining a lot in Utah and therefore there is no work. So I was invited to go to Concord, California to wash windows. (they pronounce Concord like conquered) Jeff and I are staying at his in-laws house. They are so nice to let us stay here. It has been so wonderful. They are gourmet cooks and treat Jeff and I like royalty. They are great people, but I'm in a dilemma.
You see these people are pretty Conservative. As you may have guessed I am not. I am proud to be liberal. I want to just talk about my political views in the open but I tested the waters and they would get pretty bad if I let my views be known. So I'm going to release some of this right now here it goes:
I love Obama, I think our health care system primarily caters to the upper middle class and the rich. I think the Iraq war does not help the greater good. Everyone should recycle and treat our planet with more respect. We should be more worried about other than filling our fat asses with money and crappy foods. We need to empty our bellies and feed those in other countries who need food, not destroy their land and way of life. I believe that Love and Education are the only things that will rid us of hate. And yes I think that we need to study stem cell research and the abortion laws are great. I don't care if the legalize marijuana or gay marriage. No I don't think if we governed our country the way the founding fathers started. (Seriously that's why they didn't make the constitution so rigid). So to all you other liberals that are oppressed its OK. We are not just some unrealistic hippies that want to sing around the campfire. We know reality we see it every damn day of our lives but we know reality can be so much greater for so many other people. So long live Bob Marely ideals and Ghandi's principles. Most of all Praise Jesus for teaching us Love really does conquer all! (please excuse the cliche)

My Chemical Romance Changed its Status to Most Played on my iPod

2009-05-27T22:20:00.004-06:00

So the past couple of days I have been listening to the album The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. I don't know why I didn't realize how awesome their music was. I have loved the song Welcome to the Black Parade, but I never really listened to many of the other songs. Wow! (I don't mean the sarcastic wow I am known for) So I never really understood how emo this band was. I am so used to listening to bands a lot more mellow. As I listened to the lyrics of songs like Mama and I Don't Love You. I realized that these guys are actually poetic. To someone who is repulsed by the "hardness" nature of the music would miss the meaning. I was analyzing one of the harder songs on the album and realized how well the music matched the lyrics. I love when the actual music speaks the same language as the lyrics. So its not that My Chemical Romance has received a thrown in my music library. I would recommend this album to everyone, but I realize not everyone is into this kind of Music. If you are a big fan of Tim Burton movies, like The Nightmare Before Christmas or That Bride Corpse movie I think you'll enjoy the dark art of The Black Parade. But since I know the majority of people who read this are my sisters. I can't imagine Si or Misty jamming out to a song that they would probably call heavy metal (so you know Misty and Si, it would be an insult to My Chemical Romance to call their music heavy metal, heavy metal is dead and should stay that way. ) My Chemical Romance please grace me more with your musical and lyrical poetry.

These Borrowed Words

2009-05-05T23:11:00.004-06:00

Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always one reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the dayI need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be emptyAnd weightless and maybeI'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fearYou are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverieYou're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fearYou are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverieYou're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there You're in the arms of the Angel May you find some comfort here

My Mental Movie Theatre Only Plays Dramas

2009-05-04T22:02:00.004-06:00

So I haven't had the best dreams in my life. I still have some of the same nightmares over again. However their is something that has always been in my dreams. First they are all in black, white and red. Also I die at the end of all of them. Not only would I die but I could sometimes feel the bullets or knife piercing my skin. This has been the pattern ever since I can remember. Most of the dreams didn't bother me for whatever reason. However the ones that keep coming back must have because I always remember them and always will. This pattern changed on my mission I started to dream in color. The color was weird at first. Kind of like when watch an old black and white movie that has been digitally enhanced with color. Then I stopped dying at the end of the dreams. My dreams continued to be weird however I stopped dying and saw other colors than black, white, and red.
About a one and half years ago my dreams started to be so emotionally draining that I never slept well at night. My dreams were so frustrating for me that when I woke in the morning I would be depressed and frustrated. Luckily my nightmares are not so frequent anymore.
Now I have gone back to old ways. Color has left my sleep and only see different shades of gray. I don't always die in my dreams anymore. When I do die in my dreams it isn't another person who does the killing, its me.
Maybe it was me all along killing myself. Who knows. What I do know is I have to keep my dreams as dreams and not let them become reality. That is a daunting task.

Cliches Have an Inverse Relationship with Personality

2009-05-03T19:03:00.007-06:00

So I know that it has been forever since I have blogged, but not too many people read it any way. So today I want to talk about cliches. People who know me know I hate cliches, even though I do use them at times. In fact me stating my hatred for cliches is probably a cliche its self. This hatred seems to be non-existent at times but I assure you that it is always there. Some things provoke this hatred and create frustration with in me.
Today the event that brought this hatred from depths of my prefrontal cortex to my hippocampus was because of Church. Church is where cliches seem to bother me the most. Although I heard cliche after cliche, I did enjoy the meeting.
The problem with cliches in this case is that they are phrases used to represent an emotion associated with a belief. The problem with such phrases in not the intent, it is that the phrase looses its impact the more it is used. When someone bears their heart to me using too many cliche phrases it feels like that person isn't really bearing their heart. Although the person maybe betraying their true feelings, the emotional impact of the their words become empty.
In the church cliches seem to be so prevalent and have some theories as to why. I think that that the church has adopted the a social normality that seemed to be prevalent during the height of the cold war. During the cold war the worst name you could call another wasn't a bitch, fag, or bastard. In fact it was the c word, a communist. Many Americans were accused of being communists just by being different. Fear entered the hearts of many Americans and so Americans became more and more similar. In the church many are called in active, less active, or apostate for being different. Those names or implications have similar effects on members of the church. A good example is a member's attire during a service. If a man has any of the following some may question his testimony in the gospel: long, trendy, or facial hair, or color on his shirt. For women people question her loyalty to the gospel because she is dresses trendy. The trend that is not accepted in our chapel is for women to where pant suits. Looking different than others provoke thoughts and feelings that the person's testimony may not be genuine. So just like in cold war days members of the church become less and less original. So cliche phrases enter the Mormon culture.
This push to be the same has everyone else has been in existence ever since the first human walked the earth and does have its place. I guess I just hate when people leave their individuality out when expressing emtions. So when I hear someone using overused phrases I have a hard time connecting with that person even though I may be able to connect to emotion or belief being betrayed. I only see the emotion not the person with the emotion. Individuality is so important otherwise God wouldn't have made us so different.
Even though I hate cliches like that stupid heart shape. Seriously a heart doesn't look like some person's ass or a women's chest. It looks so much cooler than that. Any way as I was saying, even though I hate cliches I understand why they are here and try not to judge other's based on their use of cliches but please everyone bring your individuality. I want to connect with you not relate to a cliche.